Worst jokes ever

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Consider this a 'visual' joke that will make you groan..next time you walk into a restroom, you may see one of these wipee dispensers. Yeeeechhh!

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An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

 

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

 

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

 

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

 

'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

 

'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

 

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered - 'Is that one word or two?'

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On a bitterly cold winter's morning a husband and wife in northern Minnesota were listening to the radio during breakfast.

They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through", so the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."

The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the car in the garage?"

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I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail loses around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery

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There are these two American hiking in the forest, and one of them sees a German using the tree as latrine and says to the other how grosse that act is. The German replied Danke.

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At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.

 

The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, 'Do you want to go up or down?'

 

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat! When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

 

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady , 'Up or down ?'

 

There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again. This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

 

She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'

 

The woman replied, 'Down.'

 

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, 'Up or down ?'

 

She replied, 'Up.'

 

This really confused the gentleman so he asked, 'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'

 

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were fuck or drown...

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The Butcher picks up the Rabbit and nails him to the wall next to a crucifix.

 

On a related subject: It is actually a shame that Jesus was crucified and not

just drowned, it would be a lot nicer to have an aquarium in every classroom

in Bavaria ...

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Wives are funny creatures. They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does.

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A women's prayer: Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him and Patience for his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for strength, I'll beat him to death!

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Why I Fired My Secretary.

 

I woke up early feeling depressed because it was my birthday, and I thought, “I’m another year older,” but decided not to dwell on it. So I showered and shaved, knowing when I went down to breakfast my wife would greet me with a big kiss and say, “Happy birthday, dear.” All smiles, I went into breakfast, and there sat my wife reading the newspaper as usual.

 

She didn’t say a word. So I got myself a cup of coffee and thought, “Oh well, she forgot. The kids will be down in a few minutes; they will sing ‘Happy Birthday’ and have a nice gift for me.” There I sat, enjoying my coffee, and I waited.

 

Finally the kids came running into the kitchen yelling, “Give me a slice of toast! I’m late! Where is my coat? I’m going to miss my bus!” Feeling more depressed than ever, I left for the office.

 

Then I walked in, my secretary greeted me with a big smile and a cheerful. “Happy Birthday, boss,” She then asked if she could get me some coffee. Her remembering my birthday made me feel a whole lot better. Later in the morning, my secretary knocked on my office door and said, “Since it’s your birthday, why don’t we have lunch together?” Thinking it would make me feel better, I said, “That’s a good idea.”

 

So we locked up the office, and since it was my birthday, I said, “Why don’t we drive out of town and have lunch in the country, instead of going to the usual place?” So we drove out of town and went to a little out-of-the-way inn and had a couple of martinis and a nice lunch. We started driving back to town when my secretary said, “Why don’t we go by my place, and I will fix you another martini?” It sounded like a good idea, since we didn’t have much to do at the office.

 

So we went to her apartment, and she fixed some martinis. After a while, she said, “If you will excuse me, I think I will slip into something more comfortable,” and she left the room.

 

In a few minutes, she opened her bedroom door and came out carrying a big birthday cake.

 

Following her were my wife and all my kids,

 

and there I sat with nothing on but my socks.

 

 

 

 

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I was asked to take part in a funrun, I politely declined.

They asked me again saying, it's for the blind and retards.

I thought to myself, "Wait a minute, I could win this".

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Hooper:you´re really scraping the barrel with that one!I like barrels..a greenie for you!!

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