Worst jokes ever

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In my area recently there has been a spate of thefts by a one-legged man wearing camouflage clothing.

Police have said, he can hide but he can't run.

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First of all the Dodo died.

Then Dando died.

Then Dodi died.

Then Di died.

Dido must be shitting herself.

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A mechanic was working late one night when a man walked into his shop.

"Can you help me?" the man asked. "I think I am a moth."

The mechanic replied, "I am a mechanic. You need a psychiatrist."

"Yes, I know," replied the man.

"Then why did you come here?"

"Your light was on."

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A Rabbit was walking down the road one day and hopped into a butcher's shop, he asked the butcher "Got any Cabbages?".

The Butcher told him "I'm a Butcher, I don't sell Cabbages".

The next day the Rabbit went into the Butcher's shop again "Got any Cabbages?" he asked, the Butcher replied "No".

The next day the Rabbit went into the Butcher's shop again and asked him "Have you got any Cabbages?", the Butcher who by now was getting really pissed off with the Rabbit replied,

"I told you I am a Butcher, I sell meat I don't have any Cabbages and if you come around here again I will nail your fucking head to the floor, now fuck off".

The next day the Rabbit hopped into the shop and asked the Butcher "Have you got any nails?".

The Butcher answered "No", the Rabbit says "Right then, have you got any Cabbages?".

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You could replace the last two lines by:

 

The next day the Rabbit hopped into the shop and asked the Butcher "Have you got any Cabbages?".

The Butcher picks up the Rabbit and nails him to the wall next to a crucifix.

The Rabbit turns to the crucifix & questions "Did you also ask for Cabbages?".

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I recently treated myself by ordering a new Porsche from my local dealer.

Thought I would show off a bit and posted a message on Facebook saying that I was waiting for the new 911.

Next time I logged in, I had 3974 new Muslim friends.

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Why did the pervert cross the road?

His dick was stuck in the chicken.

 

What`s the difference between a magician`s wand and a policeman`s truncheon?

One is used for cunning stunts!!!

 

2 Buckets of sick are walking down the road. Suddenly one of them bursts into tears."What`s the matter?" asks the other. "Oh I get so nostalgic in this road" comes the answer through the tears " this is where I was brought up."

 

What do you call an Asian tourist on holiday with is incontinent father?

A snap happy Jappy with a crap happy pappy.

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A Jock copper chases Jimmy the Toerag and finally manages to biff him on the swede and bring him down at the corner of Sauchiehall Street and Kelvingrove Street.

 

Copper then grabs Jimmy by the hair and drags him down the road to Gray Street and then calls for the wagon.

 

"Watcha dee that feer" says Jimmy.

 

"'cos I can spell Gray Street ye wee shite" says the copper.

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...What`s the difference between a magician`s wand and a policeman`s truncheon?One is used for cunning stunts!!!

 

Another version

 

What's the difference between a womens track team and a tribe of pigmee's?

The pigmee's are a bunch of cunning runts.

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First of all the Dodo died.

Then Dando died.

Then Dodi died.

Then Di died.

Dido must be shitting herself.

 

It's quite funny, but the order is wrong.

 

First of all the Dodo died. (1650?)

Then Dodi died. (1997)

The Di died. (1997)

Then Dando died. (1999)

Dido must be shitting herself.

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A South African is enjoying a hearty breakfast - coffee, croissants, toast, butter & jam, etc. when an American, chewing gum, sits next to him and starts an unwanted conversation:

 

American: "You South Africans eat the whole bread?"

South African: "Of course."

 

American (blowing bubble with his gum): "We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle, rebake them into croissants and sell them to South Africa."

 

American: "D'ya eat jam with the bread?"

South African: "Of course."

 

American (chuckling and crackling his gum between his teeth): "We don't. In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, put all the peels, seeds and left overs into containers, recycle them into jam and sell it to South Africa."

 

South African: "Do you have sex in America?"

American: "Of course we do."

 

South African: "And what do you do with the condoms?"

American: "Throw them away of course."

 

South African: "We don't. We put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell it to America."

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The difference betwwen a flying trapeze and a policeman's truncheon, is that:

 

the former is used for cunning stunts, whereas the latter is used for aprehending cirminals ;-)

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Woman comes home from work and tells her husband that one of her colleagues told her that she still had the breasts of an 18 year old. "What about your 55 year old cunt?" enquires the sarcastic husband, "Oh, you weren't mentioned" says his wife...

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Faster than the speed of light

 

A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question.

 

Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

 

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, What is the fastest thing you know of?

 

The first man replied, A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. Theres no warning.

Thats very good! replied the interviewer.

 

And, now you sir?, he asked the second man.

Hmmm...let me see... A blink! It comes and goes and you dont know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest

thing I know of.

Excellent! said the interviewer. The blink of an eye, thats a very popular cliche for speed.

 

He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

Well, out at my dads ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall theres a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is

the fastest thing I can think of.

 

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. Its hard to beat the speed

of light, he said.

 

Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.

 

Old Bubba replied, After hearing the previous three answers, its obvious to me that the fastest thing known is

DIARRHEA.

 

WHAT!? said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

 

Oh sure, said BUBBA. You see, the other day I wasnt feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I

could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants.

 

BUBBA is now the new greeter at the local Wal-Mart! Remember this next time you're greeted.

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Sheikh's son goes to Germany to study. A month later, he sends a letter to his dad saying:

 

"Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but I'm a bit ashamed to arrive to school with my gold Mercedes when all my teachers travel by train."

 

Sometime later he gets a letter from his dad with a ten million dollar cheque saying: "Stop embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too"

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