Worst jokes ever

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The Blackfeet tribe asked their Chief in Autumn, if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing the answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.

 

Being a good leader, he then went to the nearest phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?" The weather representative on the phone responded, "This winter was going to be quite cold indeed."

 

So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"

 

"Yes," the weather representative replied, "its going to be a very cold winter."

 

So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again and asks "Are you absolutely sure, that the winter is going to be very cold?"

 

"Absolutely" the weather dude man replies, "the Blackfeet are collecting wood like crazy!"

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A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an Old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain." The next day it rained.

 

A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm." The next day there was a hailstorm.

"This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather.

 

After several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks. Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?"

 

The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "Radio is broken."

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An Australian travel writer touring Canada was checking out of the Vancouver Hilton, and as he paid his bill said to the manager, "By the way, what's with the Indian chief sitting in the lobby? He's been there ever since I arrived."

"Oh that's 'Big Chief Forget-me Not'," said the manager. "The hotel is built on an Indian reservation, and part of the agreement is to allow the chief free use of the premises for the rest of his life. He is known as 'Big Chief Forget-me Not' because of his phenomenal memory. He is 92 and can remember the slightest details of his life."

 

The travel writer took this in, and as he was waiting for his cab decided to put the chief's memory to the test.

"G'dye, myte!" said the Aussie, receiving only a slight nod in return. "What did you have for breakfast on your 21st birthday?" "Eggs," was the chief's instant reply, without even looking up, and indeed the Aussie was impressed.

 

He went off on his travel writing itinerary, right across to the east coast and back, telling others of Big Chief

Forget-Me-Not's great memory. (One local noted to him that 'How' was a more appropriate greeting for an Indian chief than 'G'dye myte.')

 

On his return to the Vancouver Hilton six months later, he was surprised to see 'Big Chief Forget-me Not' still sitting in the lobby, fully occupied with whittling away on a stick. "How," said the Aussie.

 

"Scrambled," said the Chief.

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During a recent password audit at the Bank of Ireland it was found one customer was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin

When Paddy was asked why he had such a long password: he replied

''Oi was told me password had to be at least 8 characters long and include one capital''

Don't ever think you can outwit the Irish!

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Cow and horse in bed together,

Cow says, Mooooooove over,

Horse says, neighhhhhh chance,

 

The sheep walked in and said,

You are a pair of Baaaaaaastards.

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Why Indian students are attacked abroad?!

 

It was the first day of a school in the USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

 

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

 

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: ' Patrick Henry, 1775', he said

 

'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the earth?''

 

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863', said Chandrasekhar

 

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about our history than you do.'

 

She heard a loud whisper: 'F___ the Indians,'

 

'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General Custer, 1862.'

 

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

 

The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?' Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

 

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

 

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997.'

 

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.' Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004.'

 

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're screwed!' And Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'I think it was Lehmann Brothers, September 4th, 2008

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Why do women fake orgasms?

 

They think blokes care!

 

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

 

Purple mangrove elephant!

 

Skeleton goes into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.

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A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating, recurring dreams. First I'm a tepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a tepee, then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents.

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Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

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Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

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Barbara Bush has just sacked their maid over a misunderstanding.

The maid and George were in the kitchen when Barbara asked the maid to turn on the veg.

Barbara walked into the room to find the maid giving George a wank.

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A Glaswegian paedophile has raised issues with E-Bay, the Wii Game boy that he received was not quite what he ordered.

 

You can say what you like about paedophiles. At least they slow down in a school zone.

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Three men sitting in a pub chewing the proverbial, the subject of faux-pas crops up; one of them says: "Christ, I made a terrible faux-pas the other day, I was booking flights for a business trip, and i meant to say: I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh, but it came out as 'two pickets to titsburg".

The other guy says: "the same thing happened to me, I was in the butchers doing some shopping for Sunday lunch and I meant to ask for two plucked pheasants, but it came out as two fucked peasants, I was so embarrassed."

The third guy says: "that's nothing, the other night me and my wife were having dinner, and I meant to say: pass the salt please darling, and it came out as: you fucking bitch, you've ruined my life."

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Last night I phoned the spiritual leader of Tibet.

This morning I had a delivery of a long-necked animal.

Apparently I phoned Dial-a-Llama.

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