Worst jokes ever

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Did you here about the Irish exorcism?

The mother had to call the Devil in, to get the priest out of her son

 

 

 

 

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Mum is clearing her 12yr old son’s bedroom and finds a load of bondage gear and fetish mags!

 

She asks her husband, "What should I do?"

 

He says, "I'm not sure, but whatever you do don't fecking spank him."

 

 

 

 

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She asks her husband, "What should I do?"

Well, 2B_orNot2B, that is the question.

 

I got the right thread anyway.

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Walking past a butcher's shop I saw a sign in the window, it said "Venison £15 a lb". I thought "That's deer".

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HER DIARY:

 

Dear Diary:

 

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

 

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

 

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

 

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster...

 

HIS DIARY:

 

The Triumph wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid

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Father Blasuis isn't well so his deacon is standing in for confession and he is a bit nervous about it.

 

A young woman comes into the confessional and after the ususal "Forgive me etc" gets down to the good stuff, sorry starts repenting her sins.

 

"Oh Father I have had evil thoughts about my mother"

 

" Ok 10 Hail Mary and think kind thoughts"

 

"and I took the Lords name in vane, used profane language and didn't pray at all last week"

 

"That will be a further 20 Lords prayers and an hour asking the lord for forgiveness for what you did wrong"

 

"one last thing Father ... I had oral sex with my boyfriend last week!"

 

This stumps the deacon as he has no idea what the punishment for such a thing might be.

 

He quickly opens the door and sees the altar boys waiting outside "Quick boy, what did Father Blaisus give for oral sex?"

 

"Oh a mars bar and a can of coke usually!"

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A brunette and a blond are heading for the beauty parlor.

 

Says the blond, "Should I get a pedicure or a manicure?"

 

Says the brunette, "Blondie, what you have can't be cured."

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I found out last night my Grandmother made a porno movies back in the 70s, don't know what disgusted me more.

The fact that she made it, or that I still kept wanking even after I recognised her.

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They say the London Olympics will restore British national pride.

 

Wouldn't it have been better to take the 9 billion and write "FUCK OFF GERMANY" on the moon with a laser?

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A woman asks her husband if he knows of a way to make her bust bigger.

He replies rub toilet paper on your tits, it worked on your arse.

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My uncle just got struck off the medical register for having sex with his patients,

which is a real shame as he is a really good vet.

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Newsflash.

The was a power cut in Berlin today in one of the major department stores.

Things are getting back to normal now but a spokesman said that people had been stuck on the

elevator for more than 2 hours.

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A Glaswegian paedophile has raised issues with E-Bay, the Wii Game boy that he received was not quite what he ordered.

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I was in Belfast last week and asked a local, is there a B + Q in Belfast.

After a long pause he replied, I know there's a B, but I'm not sure about the Q.

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An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists the Top End. On their way to Kakadu he was describing the abilities of the Australian Aborigine to track man or beast over land, through the air, under the sea. The Americans were incredulous.

 

Then later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and discovered, lying in the middle of the road, an Aborigine. He had one ear pressed to the white line whilst his left leg was held high in the air. The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine.

 

“Jacky,” said the tour guide, “what are you tracking and what are you listening for?”

 

The aborigine replied, “Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Valiant ute. It’s red. The left front tyre is bald. The front end is out of whack and it has dents in every panel. There are 9 fellows in the back, all drinking warm sherry. There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 6 dogs on the front seat.”

 

The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge.

 

“Goddammit man, how do you know all that?” asked one.

 

The Aborigine replied, ”I fell out of the bloody thing about half an hour ago.”

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A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Jimmy, the only aboriginal in the neighbourhood. He held the party around the pool n the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ and flirting. At the

height of the party, the host said, "I have a 15ft man-eating Crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.

 

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Jimmy in the pool! Jimmy was fighting the croc and kicking its ass! Jimmy was jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of shit like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Jimmy and the croc were screaming and raising hell. Finally Jimmy strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a K-mart goldfish. Jimmy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. Finally the host says, "Well, Jimmy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars." "Nah, you right, I don't want it," said Jimmy. The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet." "How about half a million bucks

then?" "No thanks. I don't want it," answered Jimmy. The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?" Again Jimmy said no. Confused, the rich man asked, "Well Jimmy, then what do you want?" Jimmy said, "I want the name of the c*#t who pushed me in the Pool.

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Two Australians walking by the river when they see an Aborigine bloke being eaten by a croc, the thing has half swallowed the guy,

 

One Aussie turns to the other and says "How the fuck did he afford a Lacoste sleeping bag?"

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