Worst jokes ever

5,439 posts in this topic

 

I know this is on the wrong thread, I'll wait for the knock on the door later.

 

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Gestapo, Ve ask ze qvestions!

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A man walks into a bar with his giraffe and the giraffe gets so drunk it passes out on the floor.

The bar tender says "You can't leave that lying there"

 

The man replies "That's not a lion, it's a giraffe."

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At the Brit Awards, the Spice Girls hinted they may get back together again and release a record for Haiti.

A Haiti government spokesman has commented "We aren't THAT desperate".

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I think it's too soon for Haiti jokes...should wait for the dust to settle.

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A rich man wants his wife got rid of, a divorce would cost him half of his wealth so he enlists a hitman.

He tells the hitman it must be quick, clean and clinical.

The hitman tells him he is a professional, there will be just one bullet aimed two inches below her left breast.

The man replies, " I want her dead, not kneecaped".

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Why was Jon walking backwards on the first day of school?

 

Everyone kept saying it was back to school time.

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At the funeral service of her husband, the undertaker came up to the widow and asked "How old was your husband?".

She replied "98, two years older than me".

The undertaker answered "So you're 96 then",

The widow replies "Yes, hardly worth going home, is it?".

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I'm getting on a bit and my body is starting to pack up, so I asked my doctor if it would be OK to start excercising.

He said that would be a great idea and suggested I join an aerobics class for senior students.

So today I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down and sweated for an hour.

But by the time I got my leotard on, the class was over.

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Two young wives go out for a night on the town and end up very drunk and take a shortcut home through the graveyard.

They both get taken short so squat down for a pee. One wife feels in her bag and pulls out a tissue to dry herself.

The other wife isn't so lucky so she fumbles around in the dark and takes a ribbon from a wreath.

The next morning one of the husbands phones the other and says he is concerned as to what happened the night before.

His friend asks him to explain to which he replies "I found a card wedged in the cheeks of my wife's arse and it said"

"We will never forget you, from all the lads at the Fire Brigade".

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The European Union(EU) has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl rite n styl.

 

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas. we haf wayz of makin yu talk to pepol.

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