Worst jokes ever

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A group of 40 year old friends are discussing where they should go for a meal, finally they agree on the Royal Oak as the waitress's there have nice tits and wear low cut tops.

10 years later at 50 years of age they meet up and again discuss where to have a meal. Finally they all agree on going to the Royal Oak as the food is tasty and there is a good selection of fine wine.

10 years later at 60 years of age they meet up and again discuss where to have a meal. They agree that the Royal Oak would be a good choice because they can eat in peace and the restaurant is smoke-free.

10 years later at 70 years of age they meet up and again discuss where to have a meal. After much discussion it is agreed that the Royal Oak would be the best choice as it is wheelchair accessible and has an elevator.

10 years later at 80 years of age they meet up to discuss where to have a meal.

They decide on going to the Royal Oak as they have never been before.

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I was walking down the street the other day when i saw an Afghan bloke on the 5th floor balcony shaking the crap out of a carpet.

I shouted up to him: What's up Abdul, won't it start?

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Fellow went into a bar and was sitting there, sipping a cold one and munching on the peanuts laid out on the counter when he heard a tiny, tinny voice say, "That's a really nice tie you're wearing. Outstanding."

 

The man looked around. No one there.

 

The voice came again: "And I love the shoes. Those must be Bostonians."

 

The man waved the bar-tender over. "Hey, listen," he said, "I've 0nly had one drink so I know I'm not smashed. But maybe I'm going nuts. I keep hearing these little voices saying nice things to me."

 

The barman said: "Oh, that's the peanuts. They're complimentary."

 

<sorry.

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A black mate of mine just came back from the jobcentre and told me they have jobs innit!

Turns out they have jobs in I.T.

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Yippee, it was me that shared half of the Euro lottery this week, I said to my wife, pack your suitcase.

She said "Where are we going, shall I pack something for hot weather?".

I said "WE aren't going anywhere, now just fuck off".

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Two taxis have crashed in the centre of Bradford, medical teams are on the scene treating 49 injured passengers.

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A man is away on a business trip so his wife thinks she will make the most of the situation and goes to a local bar, picks up a guy and takes him back to her house.

After a few drinks they go upstairs and start making love.

The wife then hears the key in the front door and tells the man to hide in the bathroom.

The husband goes upstairs and finds his wife naked in bed and she says she missed him and tells him to come to bed.

So the husband goes to the bathroom to freshen up and finds the naked man there.

The man, thinking on his feet, starts clapping his hands and waving a towel about.

The husband asks him who he is, the man says he is from the council.

And what are you doing asks the husband.

Killing moths, the man replies.

But you are naked, says the husband.

The man looks down and says, "Bastards!".

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Just lately I have been suffering from Amnesia and Deja Vu at the same time.

I keep thinking, I've forgotten this before.

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Near where I lived back in the UK, a firm called Otis had their head office in Reading.

So they would answer the phone...."Hello, Otis Reading".

If only Siemens had an office in Staines.

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A beggar asked me for 1Euro for a cup of coffee.

I gave him the money but he never gave me the coffee, bastard.

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hooper, you're on a laugh roll...you just won the green lotto mate..

 

I guess I should include an entry whilst here, you think?

 

Apparently some guy was having a birthday party, so his wife and some of his guests set up a practical joke. They bought a lottery ticket for him and also carefully grafted in the same numbers as the ticket into the winning numbers section of that day's newspaper. When the guy opened up his birthday card he found the lottery ticket. His party guests encouraged him to check the newspaper, which they happened to have handy. When the person opened the paper, he stared at the paper in shock. Then he stood up, turned to his wife and told her that he wanted her out of the house and out of his life immediately. He said he didn't really love her and that he had been sleeping with her sister for two years!

 

Oops..

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A man was sitting on the couch watching TV when he heard his wife’s voice from the kitchen.

 

“What would you like for dinner Love? Chicken, beef or lamb ?”

 

He said, “Thanks dear, I’ll have chicken.”

 

“Shut up!¨ she says, ¨I was talking to the cat!”

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During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

 

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

 

When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long

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Two brooms married each other. On their wedding night, BrideBroom had some big news for GroomBroom.

"We're going to have a little WhiskBroom!" she announced.

 

"How can that be?" GroomBroom wondered. "We haven't swept together."

 

oooooh it's bad...

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An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow were hired at a construction site. The foreman pointed out a huge pile of sand and told the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he said, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then said, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."

 

The foreman went away for a of couple hours, and, when he returned, the pile of sand was untouched. He asked the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replied, "I no hava no broom. You said to the Chinese fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere." Then the foreman turned to the Scotsman and said, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."

The Scotsman replied, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either." The foreman was really angry by now and stormed off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy.

 

Just then, the Chinese guy jumped out from behind the pile of sand and yelled...

"SUPPLIES!!!"

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Jokes that belong on the Worst Jokes ever thread:

 

 

Fellow went into a bar and was sitting there, sipping a cold one and munching on the peanuts laid out on the counter when he heard a tiny, tinny voice say, "That's a really nice tie you're wearing. Outstanding."

 

The man looked around. No one there.

 

The voice came again: "And I love the shoes. Those must be Bostonians."

 

The man waved the bar-tender over. "Hey, listen," he said, "I've 0nly had one drink so I know I'm not smashed. But maybe I'm going nuts. I keep hearing these little voices saying nice things to me."

 

The barman said: "Oh, that's the peanuts. They're complimentary."

 

<sorry.

 

 

 

Two brooms married each other. On their wedding night, BrideBroom had some big news for GroomBroom.

"We're going to have a little WhiskBroom!" she announced.

 

"How can that be?" GroomBroom wondered. "We haven't swept together."

 

oooooh it's bad...

 

 

 

An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow were hired at a construction site. The foreman pointed out a huge pile of sand and told the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he said, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then said, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."

 

The foreman went away for a of couple hours, and, when he returned, the pile of sand was untouched. He asked the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replied, "I no hava no broom. You said to the Chinese fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere." Then the foreman turned to the Scotsman and said, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."

The Scotsman replied, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either." The foreman was really angry by now and stormed off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy.

 

Just then, the Chinese guy jumped out from behind the pile of sand and yelled...

"SUPPLIES!!!"

 

Playing with language, puns, unexpected twists.

 

One example of a joke that is not a Worst Joke ever, just a bad joke:

 

 

Yippee, it was me that shared half of the Euro lottery this week, I said to my wife, pack your suitcase.

She said "Where are we going, shall I pack something for hot weather?".

I said "WE aren't going anywhere, now just fuck off".

 

There's a separate jokes thread for that.

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