Worst jokes ever

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What's the most dangerous insect?

 

Quote

Hepatitis Bee

 

and

 

The most dangerous place to swim?

 

Quote

Hepatitis Sea

 

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An old man on his death bed is talking to his friend:

"Oh, my friend , you were by my side when I got shot in the legs in World War One...

 

you were by my side when I got shot in the arms in World War Two...

When I got demobbed, you were by my side when I started up my own business and by my side when I went bankrupt.

 

And, now I'm dying and you are still by my side."

 

Old man's friend: " heartfelt words, my dear friend. What is your message?"

 

Old man: " you're a fucking jinx."

 

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Husband wins 50 million euros on the lottery and says to his wife: " I've won 50 million euros on the lottery. Pack your bags."

 

Wife: " oh!  Pack my bags! Where are we going?"

 

Husband: " Just pack your bags and bugger off."

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" My husband's so fat. Ok, he eats 8 times a day. But that's not the problem. He only has one arse."

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Old man to his wife: " are you angry with me because I forgot our wedding anniversary?"

 

Old woman: " we're married?"

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Man goes to the doc and asks him how long he'll live. 

Doc: " till you're 80."

Man: " I AM 80."

Doc: " what did I tell you! "

 

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Husband:”Honey, where do you go?”

Wife:”Fitness studio. Today, we do belly, legs and butt.”

Husband:”Honey , you really have enough of those. Why don’t you do breasts?”

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Brian is looking for a new job in public relations and advertises his services, including his CV and the claim " I can help your company grow. I know everyone."

 

A big boss in New York contacts him and gets Brian flown over all the way to New York. The boss sits in the car with his chauffeur and is about to greet Brian coming out of the airport when he spots Paul McCartney hugging Brian and saying " how ya doing, mate?"

 

The boss finally shakes hand with Brian but is interrupted when Bill Gates spots Brian, hugs him and says " meet up for a drink sometime next week? Good to see you again!"

 

The boss is impressed. " Not bad, Brian. Let's have a chat at my favourite Italian."

As they are entering the restaurant, Johnny Depp spots Brian, smiles, gives him a hug and says " good to see you, man! Let's meet up soon!"

 

The boss is seriously impressed but thinks to himself.." this is unbelievable."

" Brian, we're flying to Rome to St Peter's Square in my private jet."

 

The boss and Brian are standing in front of the Vatican balcony but the boss needs to attend a call of nature. When he gets back, Brian is missing. He asks a Japanese tourist :" who is that guy on the balcony with the funny clothing chatting with?"

 

Tourist: " That's Brian talking to the Pope."

 

 

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Something similar.

 

2 guys in California saw Clint Eastwood in a bar and bought him a drink. He told them that was really nice and asked them why? They asked hin to greet them the next time they saw each other.

The following weekend, the 2 friends were trying to impress a couple of girls and took them to the same bar, Luckily he was there and came over to their table.

 

"Nice to see you boys! How are you doing?"

"Bugger off Clint. Can't you see we're busy?"

 

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NASA's Artemis Program will see the first woman on the Moon by 2024, does it need cleaning then?

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Two hardcore Trump supporters die and ascend to heaven. God meets them at the pearly gates and asks if they have any questions. One of them says "Yes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud?". God says "My son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square, 306 to 232". After a few seconds of stunned silence, the one guy turns to the other and whispers "This goes higher than we thought!"

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Jerry Hall has told the reason for her divorce from Rupert Murdoch ... ... ... ... ... he lived longer than she expected.

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So a bloke with a huge scar on his  throat walks into a pub in London and finds it difficult to order but finally manages to whisper " a pint of bitter, please."

 

The barman is sympathetic and asks " Sir, if you don't mind my asking, how did you get that scar on the throat, which obviously makes it difficult for you to speak?"

 

The customer takes five minutes but finally manages to whisper: " Falkland Islands."

 

The barman says: " my respect, Sir! As a patriotic Englishman, I can only salute you for your bravery. May I take this opportunity to offer you free drinks life long in this pub?"

 

The customer takes five minutes before finally whispering: " muchas gracias."

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So a bloke with a huge scar on his  throat walks into a pub in London and finds it difficult to order but finally manages to whisper " a pint of bitter, please."

 

The barman is sympathetic and asks " Sir, if you don't mind my asking, how did you get that scar on the throat, which obviously makes it difficult for you to speak?"

 

The customer takes five minutes but finally manages to whisper: " Falkland Islands."

 

The barman says: " my respect, Sir! As a patriotic Englishman, I can only salute you for your bravery. May I take this opportunity to offer you free drinks life long in this pub?"

 

The customer takes five minutes before finally whispering: " muchas gracias."

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In France, British comedian Lee Mack is known as ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... "The Raincoat".

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In France, British comedian Lee Mack is known as ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... "The Raincoat".

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