Worst jokes ever

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."So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.
I turned around and saw an old lady. She said to me, "Sonny, would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."

"Sure," I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.

"What a nice lady," I thought, while happily munching on the nuts.

A few minutes later, I felt another tap on my shoulder and there she was again, offering some nuts. I gladly accepted and she went back to her seat.

After about 10 minutes, she tapped me on the shoulder, once again offering some nuts.

I asked her, "Why don't you eat them yourself?"

"Because we've got no teeth," she replied.

"Then why do you buy them?" I asked.

"Oh, because we just love the chocolate around them."

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I've just seen a car being driven by a sheep wearing a swimsuit.
 
 It was a lamb bikini

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A man walks in to a pet store and asks the shop attendant for 10 bees. The attendant obliges and begins to count the bees into a tub "1 bee, 2 bees, 3 bees, four bees, five bees, six bees, seven bees, eight bees, nine bees, ten bees, eleven bees, There you go sir" and he hands them over. 
The man responds "I asked for ten, why have you given me eleven?"
To which the shop attendant replies "oh, that last one, thats a freebie"

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Guy went to the doctor with a swollen knee.  “Doctor, my knee is swollen up, can hardly walk”.   Doctor says “Sit down open your mouth and say ahhhh for me”.    Guy said “ It’s my knee why do you want me to say ahhhh?”   Doctor said “ My dog died last night”.  

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Which weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?

 

A gallon of water.  butane is a lighter fluid.

 

 

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Ate four cans of alphabet soup the other day.  Not only did it spell trouble, it spelt disAssTer!  Had the largest vowel movement ever..

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The teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word "fascinate."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My famiy went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was Fascinated." The teacher said, "good, but I wanted the word "fascinate."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him.

Johnny said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only "fasten 8."

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