Worst jokes ever

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2 minutes ago, hooperski said:

My dyslexic mate took a goose to a gender reveal party.

Boo! :P 

Worst joke ever! :D 

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Wanted to buy duck for Christmas and combine it with a Bruce Lee theme. Went to Lidl today - and found it!

” Ente the dragon. “

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2 hours ago, hooperski said:

My dyslexic mate took a goose to a gender reveal party.


Lived (sic) it 😜

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Did you hear about the two thieves that stole a calendar ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... they got six months each.

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Q. What's the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot? A. One's an Australian animal, the other is a Scotsman stuck in a lift.

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(Man in Bookshop)

 

Man,   "Do you have any books about Turtles".

Asst,  "Hard back?"

Man,  "Yes, with little heads".

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"As it was really frosty this morning, I put some food out in the garden for my favourite little birds".

"Blue Tits?"

"No, but my fingers went numb".

 

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Three men are on a boat one day, they all smoke and they've got four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So they throw one of the cigarettes overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

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Three little nuns were sitting on a park bench when all of a sudden a man jumped out of the bushes and flashed them.

The first one had a stroke,
The second one had a stroke,
And the third one couldn't reach.

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Records show that the first man ever to be circumcised was a Russian called Ivor Tipov.

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Richard and Patrick were coming out of a pub in Wales one evening when Richard spotted a Sheep with its head stuck in the railings.

"Look at that Paddy, we cant miss a chance like that" says Richard

So Richard walks up behind the sheep, drops his trousers and does this business.

Richard then says "Okay Paddy its your turn next"

So Paddy drops his trousers and stuck his head in the railings...

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Pat was walking through his field and saw a man drinking from the stream. He shouts over, in Irish, "Hey, don't drink the water, the sheep have got the runs!"

The man turns round and says, "What did you say? I'm welsh, I don't speak your stupid language!"

"Sorry, mate, to be sure! I said 'Use both hands, you'll be able to drink more of my wonderfully fresh stream!'"

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A young man moves to a village in Wales and gets talking to an old man from the village. He asks the old man what his name is; the old man gets very irate at this
point and says: "See that line of houses over there? I built them all, but do they call me Jones the house builder? Do they hell! See those railway lines over there?
I laid them all, but do they call me Jones the engineer? Do they hell! See those bridges over that river? I built them all, but do they call me Jones the bridge
builder? Do they hell! But, a long long time ago, I fucked *one* sheep..."

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A guy's doing a PhD in sheep shagging. He goes off touring Britain finding out how people do it in different areas. First he goes up to Aberdeen. He goes into a pub, buys a drink, and asks the barman where he can find the sheep shaggers. The barman points to the darkest, dingiest corner of the pub.

So he goes over to this corner and gets talking to the guys there. Once there he says:

* Actually I'm doing a thesis on sheep shagging, so could you tell me, how do you do it around here?
* Well we put on wellies, go into a field, and we grab a sheep. Then we shove its hind legs down into the wellies so it can't get away, and shag it.

Next he goes down to Cumbria and goes into a pub in Keswick. He asks the barman where the local sheep shaggers hang out, and he points to the darkest, dingiest corner. So he goes over to the corner, and asks the guys:

* Excuse me but I'm doing a thesis on sheep shagging, so would you mind telling me, how do you do it around here?
* Well we put on wellies and go out into a field looking for sheep. When we find a sheep we shove its hind legs down into the wellies, then shag it.

He then decides to see what they do in Wales, so he takes a trip to Aberystwyth. There he finds a dodgy looking pub, and asks the barman where he can find the local sheep shaggers. Once again, the barman points to the darkest, dingiest corner of the pub. So he goes over and asks:

* Excuse me, I'm doing a thesis on sheep shagging. Could you tell me how you do it in this area?
* Well, bach, we go out into a field looking for sheep. When we find one we grab it around the waist, hold it as tight as possible so it won't get away, and shag it.
* But, why don't you just shove its hind legs down inside your wellies? Wouldn't that be easier?
* What, no kissing?!

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Just had hospital on the phone, my son is in hospital he has swallowed his mobile phone doing some daft prank and it is stuck in his throat ... I'm gonna ring his neck..

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Clivezwei­tausend­sechs­hundert­sieben­und­siebzig, you need to chill, lose yourself to dance . Here's daft prank

 

 

 

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My mate is a DJ in the local deaf club. They call him ….'DJ Techno Notice'.

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I bought my wife (bless her heart), a prosthetic lower leg and foot for Christmas. It's a stocking stuffer.

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