Worst jokes ever

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A British man is visiting Australia. The customs agent asks him, “Do you have a criminal record?” The British man replies, “I didn’t think you needed one to get into Australia anymore.”

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A Scotsman took a girl for a romantic ride in his taxi...She was so beautiful he could hardly keep his eye on the meter.

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The inventor of the Italian for ‘see you later’ has died - RIP Harry Vederci.

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2 hours ago, Clive2677 said:

The inventor of the Italian for ‘see you later’ has died - RIP Harry Vederci.

who dat?   i prefer the Hungarian, Harry Houdini for 'now you see me now you don't'

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The world's oldest man died yesterday, his father is devastated!

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I was in my room and I saw a group of 10 ants just running frantically.

 

I felt bad, so I made a small house for them out of a cardboard box. 

 

This technically makes me their landlord and they are my... 

 

Tenants

 

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Just heard about a bloke that steals sweets and sticks them up his arse ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... takes all sorts.

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A man is in a hospital bed wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth

‘Nurse’, he mumbles. ‘Are my testicles black?’ Nurse raise his gown, hold his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. She take a close look and says ‘there nothing wrong with them sir’. Man pulls off the oxygen mask, smile at her and says very slowly, ‘ Thanks for that, it was lovely but listen very very carefully, ‘ are-my-tests-re-sults-back?’

 

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On 8/20/2019, 5:44:34, Clive2677 said:

The world's oldest man died yesterday, his father is devastated!

Speakin of devastation..  A very sad day today. After seven years of training in the medical fields and hard work, a very good friend of a friend of my friend was fired after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his clients and can now no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and an absolutely brilliant mortician.

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My friend suggested I register for a donor card.

He's a man after my own heart.

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I've got a job working for Slimming World and it's my duty to weigh the members every week.

They've given me the nickname "Chubby Checker".

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How do you turn a Duck into a soul singer.

Stick it in a microwave until it's Bill Withers

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Q. What goes 99 click 99 click?

 

A. A centipede with a wooden leg. ...

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I thought all my flowers had died but they suddenly started blooming again, 
I wasn’t sure what type of flower they were but I now think they are reincarnations

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I was fired from my job when I asked a customer if they wanted 'smoking' or non-smoking'..

 

Apparently, the correct terms are 'cremation' or 'burial' 

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On 8/20/2019, 4:33:03, HEM said:

I was in my room and I saw a group of 10 ants just running frantically.

 

I felt bad, so I made a small house for them out of a cardboard box. 

 

This technically makes me their landlord and they are my... 

 

Tenants

 

 

You fool, this is Germany.  They now have more rights to your home than you do!

 

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Husband, "It's my shed".

Wife,        "It's my shed".

Judge,      "It's clearly a He Shed, She Shed situation".

 

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