Worst jokes ever

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Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they lactose.

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Paddy goes to bed with his new bride on their honeymoon night.

She strips off and lies spread-eagled on the bed.

She asks him "You know what I want, don't you?".  He answers, "The whole bloody bed by the look of it".

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boyfriend is moving in...

 

him: "hey, can I set up a cloning lab in the basement?"

me: "of course!  make yourself at home!"

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British Gas,    "You have an outstanding bill".

Donald Duck, "Why, thank you very much".

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A man says to his Wife darling we will make love but i am going to the pub vith the lads to have a drink if i am not back in a hour you start vithout me

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My Grandad loved to tickle the ivories, until he got trampled to death by an elephant.

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I prefer to have sex with the lights off, that way there's less chance of the car getting a flat battery.

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I was really looking forward to the Jeffrey Epstein trials.


He really left me hanging.

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Pay it Forward:

 

I was at Walmart and this lady was sobbing because she lost all of her tax money out of her purse. She couldn’t pay for her groceries. I don’t know why but I decided to give her $200. I had just found $3,000 in the parking lot and since I was blessed I was inclined to help her too.

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The other day I took my Grandma to one of those spas where the little fish eat your dead skin..


It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.

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I love laying naked on a bear skin rug in front of a fireplace.


Apparently there are rules against this at cracker barrel... 

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Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.

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A book just fell on my head. I’ve only got myshelf to blame.

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I invited the new neighbours over yesterday and the guy asked me what I did.

 

"I'm a barrister." I replied.

 

"Oh, rustle us up a cup of coffee then."

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Old Sandy McPherson was dying. Tenderly, his wife Maggie knelt by his bedside and asked, 'Anything I can get you, Sandy?' No reply. 'Have ye no' a last wish, Sandy?' Faintly, came the
answer ...  'A wee bit of yon boiled ham.' 'Wheesht, man,' said Maggie, 'ye ken fine that's for the funeral.'

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