Worst jokes ever

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I recently earned my second million. I guess that makes me a billionaire now.

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Me, "Do you ever have conversations in your head?"

Me, "No".

Me, "Me neither".

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Have you ever tried blindfold archery? ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... you don't know what you're missing.

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During this hot weather I asked my wife "Do you like this heat?"

She replied. "I'm not a fan"

I said, "I wish you were".

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I used to play the lead guitar ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... it was ever so heavy.

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“I used to date an air stewardess from Helsinki.

“I dropped her off at work one day and she just vanished into Finnair.”

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And The Lord said unto John, "Come forth and receive eternal life"
...but John came in fifth and won a toaster.

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On 27/07/2019, 02:29:47, Techsmex said:

“I used to date an air stewardess from Helsinki.

“I dropped her off at work one day and she just vanished into Finnair.”

 

 

Well she did used to fly to HEL and back!

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Have your Kotztüte ready before reading this one...

 

Quote

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman,
'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'

 

The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.

 

The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.

 

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.

 

The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

 

The next night, the pub is packed.

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'

 

The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

 

The next night there is standing room only in the pub.

 

Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.

 

The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year

 

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'

 

The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties.'

 

The rabbit looks aghast.

 

The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says,


'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.

 

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'

 

The crowd's bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.

 

The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'

 

'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'

 

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.

 

He then waves to the crowd and leaves...

 

NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

 

One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.

 

When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.

 

The barman says, 'Who are you?

 

To which he is answered,
'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'

 

The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.

You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'

 

The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.'

 

The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'

 

The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.'

 

The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'

 

'I DIED', said the rabbit.

 

'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'

 

After a short pause, the rabbit said ...

 

'Mixin-me-toasties

 

 

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My mum and dad were dwarfs.  All their lives they struggled to put food on the table.

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I recently took a pole of 100 campers, and all their tents collapsed.

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The doctor who devised the cough/testicle test has passed away, his colleagues will hold a ball in his honour.

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Patient, "Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a pig".

Doctor,  "I will cure you".

Patient,  "Sqeeeeeeeeeal".

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I've never had a single day off work due to illness

 

 

I always manage to make it stretch for at least a week!

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I went to a party tonight and thought I would be the clown and tell a few jokes.

I said, "What do you do if an epileptic has a seizure in the bath ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... throw in your dirty washing".

A man tapped me on the shoulder and said, "My mate was an epileptic and died in the bath".

I was mortified and humbly asked, "Did he drown then?"

To which he answered, "No, he choked on a sock".

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Doctor: Okay sir, we're going to deliver the baby now.


Man: Actually, we'd like him to keep his liver

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My first time in Oxfordshire, England, being from Texas and craving barbecue, I asked a local fella, ‘Is there a BBQ in Henley?’ He said, ‘No, there’s an H, an E, an N, an L, and a Y…

 

fecker misspelled his own townname

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This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada.

After a hard day on the slopes he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain.

After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall.

He asks the barman, "What the heck is that?"

The barman says, "It's a Moose."

The Scottish chap says, "Bloody hell! How big are the cats?"

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