Worst jokes ever

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The local jeweller died this morning.

 

He left a shop full of clocks, watches, and various chronographs. 

 

They say it'll take a year to wind up the estate.

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I used to work in a grenade factory.
it was so quiet you could hear a pin drop.

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The little paper bag.

A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors.

'Doctor, I don't feel too good,' said the little Paper bag.

'Hmm, you look OK to me,' said the Doctor, 'but I'll do a blood test and see what that shows, 

Come back and see me in a couple of days.'

The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results. 

‘What's wrong with me?' asked the little paper bag.

'I'm afraid you are HIV positive!' said the doctor.

'No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!' Said the little paper bag.

'Have you been having unprotected sex?' asked the doctor.

'NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!'

'Well have you been sharing needles with other Intravenous drug users?' asked the doctor.

'NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!'

'Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a Jab or a blood transfusion?' queried the doctor.

'NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!'

'Well', said the doctor, 'are you in a homosexual Relationship?'

'NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm Just a little paper bag!'

'Then there can be only one explanation.' said the doctor . . .

SCROLL DOWN

 

 

 

.

'Your mother must have been a carrier'

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Tonight's meeting of the Self Harm Support Group has been cancelled due to staff cuts.

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I’ve recently been dating a homeless woman and things are getting serious...

She wants me to move out with her.

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Did you hear about the man that cut the end of his penis off?   He won the Nobel Prize.

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Whenever I visit France, I only have an egg for breakfast.  Because that's un oeuf.

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Q: What does a mathematician do when he is constipated?

 

A: He works it out with a pencil. 

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I tried to teach my dog to dance but he’s got two left feet.

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A nurse came in and said "Doctor, there’s a man in the waiting room who thinks he is invisible. What should I tell him?"

 

The doctor said, "tell him I can’t see him today"

 

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What is about being blind that makes you want to walk the dog all the time.

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It's a tough job being a Custom's Officer, you have to start at the bottom and work your way up.

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So I walked into the shop and said to the man in the white coat that I needed my eyes tested, he agreed and sent me to the opticians next door. Nice chap that Butcher.

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Two Jews playing dominoes in a cafe frightened to knock incase the waiter came over.

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