Worst jokes ever

5,161 posts in this topic

One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.

 

Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

 

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

 

Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"

 

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

 

Perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

 

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your blessed sister for over 48 years."

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A skeleton walks into a bar –

"A pint of beer and a mop please."

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A Paramedic was called out to my vegan neighbour's house as they had overdosed on vegetables. First thing he did was to take their pulses.

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Why did the Chicken cross the road? To get to the other side.

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"I built a model of Mount Everest".

"To scale?"

"No, just to look at".

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My tailoring business making trousers for tall men is making huge strides.

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I just won a prize in a raffle and can choose between a Frank Sinatra record or a Chinese smartphone.  My Way or the Huawei.

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After a fishing boat discovered a "Russian spy whale" off the coast of Norway, experts suspect it may have a sinister porpoise.

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Tuna in to the BBC for an update on that story, Clive!

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A bishop decides to show his nun niece how to play golf. " I love golf, my dear niece, and I will show you the talents God gave me. "

" God be with you ", says the nun.

 

The bishop takes a swipe and the ball ends up in a tree.

" Fuck, shit, damn fucking shot", screams the bishop.

Niece: " my dear uncle...I am shocked at your language. "

" I´m sorry, it won´t happen again."

 

Bishop takes another swipe and the ball sails into the air...and ends up in a pond.

 

" Fuck, shit, damn...fucking hell."

 

" Please God, forgive my uncle for his language."

 

" I am sorry, my dear niece, if it happens again , may God strike me dead."

So he takes another swipe...and the ball ends up in a pond yet again.

 

" Fuck, shit, damned fucking shit.."

 

The clouds roll over, the sky darkens, a bolt of lightning comes shooting out of the sky...and kills the nun.

 

Seconds later, a wailing female voice from the Otherside..." oh, damn, shit, fuck..."

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My wife is a bit OCD and arranges her herbs and spices alphabetically.

I said to her "I don't know how you find the time".  She replied "It's next to the Saffron".

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The GP at the surgery had the cheek to say that my wounds were the result of self-harming.I almost said something to him, but I managed to bite my tongue. 

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I went to see a fantastic musical the other night. It was about a blind oriental girl. It was called Miss Eyegone!

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The Ford motor company has finally jumped onto the recycling bandwagon.

 

Their new model, the Pubic, will be made entirely out old Corsairs. 

 

 

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„ Anton, do you think I‘m a bad mother?“

“ My name‘s Paul.“

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