Worst jokes ever

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I went to the hospital to visit a friend and saw a sign saying "Stroke Patients". I'm due in court next month.

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Where do the Aristocats live?

 

Downton Tabby.

 

Where did their delinquent kittens end up?

 

Pawstal. 

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8 hours ago, Janx Spirit said:

Where do the Aristocats live?

 

Downton Tabby.

 

Where did their delinquent kittens end up?

 

Pawstal.

 

Quick edit:

 

And when caught for tax evasion, they ended up in that bleak gaol, "Dartpaw Prison"

 

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My wife said she was thinking of having a gastric band, I told her it shouldn't be too expensive as she already has the wind section.

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Paddy says to Murphy, "My mate came off his motorbike yesterday".

Murphy replies "Did he now".

Paddy added, "Yes, he's got two broken ribs, dislocated kneecap, fractured elbow and blurred vision".

Murphy says, "Jesus Christ, no wonder he fell off".

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"I went to my first Origami lesson last night".

"Oh yeah, how did it go?"

"Pretty good, I made a hat out of a large piece of paper".

"Foolscap?"

"No, a Fedora".

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I confused the hell out of a office meeting once where we had to tell a bit about ourselves.

 

I said I had a black belt in Origami -- and the unwitting actually believed me !

 

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My son recently got a job as a Customs Officer at the airport and he's keen to get on.

If they ever ask for a volunteer, he'll always put his hand up.

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I've been invited to a hair washing party this evening, I don't want to go but can't think of an excuse to get out of it.

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I gave that Park and Ride a try out yesterday ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... or dogging as it's more commonly known.

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I'll tell you what I really hate about my new Thai bride.
She keeps leaving the toilet seat up!

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My mate went to Thailand and ended up in bed with two prostitutes. He thought he'd won the lottery,  they had six matching balls.

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My wife has a body of a woman half her age ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... I guess I should call the police.

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The Job Centre offered me a job as a coach.
'Course I said no. What do they think I am? A bloody pumpkin!?

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At a wedding ceremony, a shy priest greets the wedding guests into the Chapel. He's very nervous and doesn't say much...
As the couple approach the altar the priest steps up and gives the best speech anyone has ever heard. He's full of confidence, incredibly expressive and has everyone in fits of laughter!
After the vows, the priest is extremely shy again and barely says a word to anyone.
The groom approaches the him and asks, "Why are you so shy? You seemed like a different person when you were giving that speech!"
"I know..." Says the priest, " That was my altar ego".

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Got home yesterday and there was a bloke stood outside my house jumping up and down screaming.

It was the window cleaner.

I thought "He's lost his rag."

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Why can't two women play monopoly together?

There's only one iron.

 

 

I’ve hidden somewhere.

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