Worst jokes ever

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As I get older and remember all the people I’ve lost along the way, 
I think perhaps I wasn't the best tour guide.

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I got a rejection letter from the origami university today,

I’m not sure what to make of it.

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I swapped phone numbers with a woman I met at a bar last night, now I've got creepy men calling me up.

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Two Punks are Talking to each other the one asks. Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz.

No Replys the other I shave them off.

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On a slave farm producing cotton in 1821, the boss went into the sorting shed, where the females were separating the cotton from the husk, 14 hours a day, receiving only 1 very basic meal a day, while the men reaped the cotton in the fields. The boss shouted, "where is Tom" who's job, was to go to the fields to bring the crop to the sorting shed, because he was very old, he was told, "he's gone for cotton" this happened many many times, Tom not being in the shed. But gone to get cotton from the fields.
Then one day Tom died, the boss told the slaves, as Tom was such a good worker, he would allow every slave an hour away from work, to see Tom buried.
So they all went to the small plot, to say their goodbyes.
There on the piece of wood used as a headstone, were the words:- 
HERE LIES TOM GONE BUT NOT FOR COTTON

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Detectives thought they had found the whereabouts of the missing 1981 Derby winning horse, close but no Shergar.

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I went to see my doctor as I had ringing in my ears. He gave me some drops and said if it was no better in a week, give him a bell.

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Only seven people have died as temperatures as low as -42F wreak havoc across the American Midwest. Apparently guns don't work so well in those temperatures!

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A bar goes into a man.  Have YOU been injured at work? call us on 0800 1078 556

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In Mick Hucknall's recently compiled list of top 10 most generous Impressionists, Monet was too tight to mention.

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An old lady was very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant she saw him she started crying. 
The mortician walked over to comfort her. Through her tears  she explained that she was upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his fervent wish to be buried in a blue suit.
 
The mortician apologised and explained that traditionally they always put bodies in a black suit, but he'd see what he could arrange.

The next day she returned to the funeral parlour to have one last moment with Albert before the funeral the following day.
When the mortician pulled back the curtain, she managed a smile through her tears as Albert was resplendent in a smart blue suit.
 
 She said to the mortician, "Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful suit?"
"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit,"
The mortician replied. "His wife was quite upset because she wanted him buried in the traditional black suit."
Albert's wife smiled at the undertaker.

"After that," he continued, "it was just a matter of swapping the heads."

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I've just joined Alcoholics Anonymous. I still drink but under a different name.

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What are some of the games you played as a kid?
In my home town of Liverpool, we played forwards, backwards, sideways.
You would hit a kid over the head with a spade, and see which way they dropped.

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Two Muslims have crashed their boat into the Thames Barrier, both the EDL and UKIP think it's the start of Ramadam.

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