Worst jokes ever

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A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. 
She was thrilled at the speed.
"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.
"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.
And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.
Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. 
The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.
"Go and get help!" he cried.
"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"
"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."
Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. 
Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."

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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'

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confucious say..  when lady say 'no' she mean 'perhaps' when she say 'perhaps' she mean 'yes' but when she say 'yes', she not a lady

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Q: Did you hear about the Buddhist monk who refused Novacane during root canal treatment? 
A: He was attempting to transcend dental medication!

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Quote

I picked up a hitchhiker last night. 

He said thanks but how do you know I’m not a serial killer?

I replied the chances of two serial killers being in the same car are astronomical.

 

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What would happen if a neutron bomb went off in the kitchen?
It would leave the dishes intact, but would certainly stop the grumbling about the food.

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I went to the supermarket and I saw they had a special on, he was collecting the trolleys.

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I went to an Ann Summers shop and told the assistant I wanted a thong, she sang "Jethuth Chritht, Thuper Thtar".

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On 5/30/2018, 2:06:24, Clive2677 said:

News coming in of a cheese factory exploding in France.  All that was left was de Brie.

And the quote system again...

 

Went to the Zoo in the next city last week. 

Only had one dog in it. 

 

Was a shitzu.. 

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Two hunters are walking through a forest looking for deer when all of a sudden, a giant bear jumps out and scares the hell out of them.

 

They drop their guns and run until one of the hunters stops, opens up his backpack and laces up a pair of Running shoes.

 

His buddy looks at him and says, "What are you doing? Are you crazy? You can't outrun the bear!"

 

To this the hunter says, "I know, all I have to do is outrun you!"

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MALE LOGIC ... FLAWLESS
 
THIS IS A CONVERSATION BETWEEN A MAN AND HIS WIFE.
PLEASE NOTE THAT SHE ASKS SEVEN QUESTIONS, WHICH HE ANSWERS QUITE SIMPLY.
BUT THEN SHE IS SPEECHLESS AFTER ANSWERING ONLY ONE QUESTION FROM HIM.
 
 
WOMAN: DO YOU DRINK BEER?
MAN: YES
 
WOMAN : HOW MANY BEERS A DAY?
MAN: USUALLY ABOUT THREE
 
WOMAN: HOW MUCH DO YOU PAY PER BEER?
MAN: $5 WHICH INCLUDES A TIP (THIS IS WHERE IT GETS SCARY!)
 
WOMAN: AND HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING?
MAN: ABOUT 20 YEARS, I SUPPOSE.
 
WOMAN: SO A BEER COSTS $5 AND YOU HAVE THREE BEERS A DAY WHICH PUTS YOUR SPENDING EACH MONTH AT $450. IN ONE YEAR, IT WOULD BE APPROXIMATELY $5400 CORRECT?
MAN: CORRECT
 
WOMAN: IF IN ONE YEAR YOU SPEND $5400, NOT COUNTING FOR INFLATION, THE PAST 20 YEARS PUTS YOUR SPENDING ON BEER AT $108,000 CORRECT?
MAN: CORRECT
 
WOMAN: DO YOU KNOW THAT IF YOU DIDN’T DRINK SO MUCH BEER, THAT MONEY COULD HAVE BEEN PUT IN A STEP-UP INTEREST SAVINGS ACCOUNT AND AFTER ACCOUNTING FOR COMPOUND INTEREST FOR THE PAST 20 YEARS, YOU COULD HAVE NOW BOUGHT AN ASTON MARTIN?
 
MAN: DO YOU DRINK BEER?
WOMAN: NO.
 
MAN: WHERE IS YOUR ASTON MARTIN?
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