Worst jokes ever

[fuzzytony 4,969]

The Invisible Man goes to the doctor.

 

Doctor says, "I can't see you right now."

[fuzzytony 4,969]

R.I.P. to my best friend Brian...

 

 

 

...eaten by a pack of dyslexic zombies.

 

[arunadasi 7,074]

OK, I'm not one for telling jokes, laughing at jokes, or remembering jokes, but I LOVE this one.

First, you have to remember Lothar Späth, the Baden-Württemburg Minister-Präsident a few years ago.

 

OK. Lothar Späth, invites Mitterand and Ronald Raegan to dinner. He gets his wife to serve a bottle of wine and picks up the corkscrew. However, instead of aiming the screw at the cork, he aims it into the middle of the label and starts screwing. (Keep your dirty thoughts in check at this point please!)

Mitterand and Raegan stare at him in astonishment. WHat on earth are you doing? They ask.

 

Lothar Späth points to the label and says, "Es steht doch doh: Bore Doh!" (It's written there: Bore Doh (there in Swabian dialect))

 

OK I know... grooooooaaaaaan.

[HEM 11,074]

We'll be having the "Dangeroos" joke next...

[punkinside 1,153]

A plateau is a high form of flattery

 

*doesn't even bother to get his coat and runs away*

[AncientBrit 1,934]

 

The Invisible Man goes to the doctor. Doctor says, "I can't see you right now."

 

Well, I told (German) Mrs AB this joke just after reading it on TT and her response was "How come the doc knew that the Invisible Man had arrived?"

One can only assume that the German version would have to read:

"The Invisible Man goes to the doctor and asks Herrn Doktor XYZ for an immediate Termin. Doctor says, "I can't see you right now."

No wonder Germany isn't the joke capital of the world...

[hooperski 29,417]

The Turkish immigrant credited with inventing the kebab has died in Berlin aged 80.

Unfortunately, Kadir Nurman didn't patent his invention, so made no money from it's huge success.

I bet he's turning in his grave.

[hooperski 29,417]

Although I've been married for a long time now, my wife still has to beat me off with a stick.

Might sound a bit freaky, but it's the only way I can orgasm.

[fuzzytony 4,969]

Wanna read a joke about paper?

 

 

 

Never mind, it's tearable.

 

[fuzzytony 4,969]

First woman on the moon:

 

Woman: "Houston, we have a problem."

 

Houston: "What is it?"

 

Woman: "Never mind its nothing."

 

Houston: "What is the problem?"

 

Woman: "Nothing..."

 

Houston: "Tell us what the problem is!"

 

Woman: "NO!"

[fuzzytony 4,969]

What did the hat say to the other hat?

 

"You stay here. I'll go on a head."

[AKJeeper 30]

"How my brother-in-law lost weight"

 

Wanted to update you on my diet plan.

 

I called the company and ordered their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

 

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before me a

 

voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of

 

Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

 

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

 

The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

 

Without a second thought, I took off after her. A few miles later

 

huffing and puffing, I finally gave up.

 

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

 

On the fifth day, I weighed myself and am delighted to find I

lost 10 lbs. as promised.

 

I called the company and ordered their 5-day/20 pound program.

 

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most

 

stunning, beautiful, sexy woman I have ever seen in my life. She is

 

wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck

 

that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.

 

Well, I'm out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in

 

excellent shape and I do my best, but no such luck. So for the next

 

four days, the same routine happens and I'm gradually getting in

 

better and better shape.

 

Much to my delight on the fifth day when I weigh myself, I

 

discover that I have lost another 20 lbs. as promised. So I decide to

 

go for broke and calls the company to order the 5-day/50 pound program.

 

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our

 

most rigorous program."

 

"Absolutely," I replied, "I haven't felt this good in years."

 

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when I open it I find

 

a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running

 

shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you,... you're mine."

 

I lost 63 pounds that week.

[hooperski 29,417]

In medicine today, there are machines that can see through your skin and see your bones and organs.

There are machines that can keep you alive if you are brain dead or in a coma.

Tests that can determine your parents from just a drop of your saliva.

And yet, to check my prostate, my doctor still has to stick his finger up my arse.

[Techsmex 13,358]

"Masturbation can help relieve depression and lead to a higher sense of self-esteem, as well as reduce the risk of prostate cancer."

 

Is apparently not an appropriate answer when questioned by the police as to why I was wanking on the bus.

[Techsmex 13,358]

One time I was at the doctor and he told me he had to check my prostate. So I bend over and feel his finger go in me. It was then I realized both of his hands were on my shoulders.

I swear I will never go to that dentist again..

[fuzzytony 4,969]

A guy went to his friend's fancy dress party with nothing but a girl on his back.

 

"So what the hell are you supposed to be?", the host asked.

"I'm a snail," the guy replied.

"What a load of crap!", the host spat. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that girl on your back?"

"That's not just any girl, dude," the guy replied, "that's Michelle".

[hooperski 29,417]

Sent my Nan an iPad last week so that could keep in touch with the family.

I phoned her today to see how she got on with it.

She said it's not as absorbent as the Tena Lady.

[hooperski 29,417]

I like my women like my golf scores, in their 70's and with a slight handicap.

[hooperski 29,417]

My grandad is always moaning about the price of things.

"One pound for a cup of tea, 75 pence for jam on toast, bloody disgraceful".

In the end I had to say "Look grandad stop moaning, you popped around, I didn't invite you".

[fuzzytony 4,969]

The worst job I ever had was working in a factory making cowboy records.

 

Howdy pressing.