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About cybil

Profile Information

  • Location NRW
  • Nationality American
  • Gender Female
  • Year of birth
  • Interests Photography, historical fiction, creative writing, cats

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  1. What are you watching right now?

    The black and white German sci-fi series 'Raumpatroullie Orion'   The plastic space helmets remind me of those Dickmann's chocolates you see at the grocery.     
  2. Coronavirus

    I came across a thoughtful article from the New York Times that contains various people's reflections upon their lives since the corona virus began: Emerging from the Coronavirus:   When will the holding pattern feeling end...will there ever be a going back to 'how it was' and what would we like the future to be like for each of us individually? What are our hopes, what can we do right now, where are we as humans in the whole lockdown (from light to emergency brake mode) world? 
  3. Coronavirus

    Scheduled for the COVID vaccination for next week. This would mean it took about a month to ge to the actual day of the vaccine. First week was a phone call from my Pflegegrad 5 FIL's house dr. asking if he and up to two family members wanted the vaccine. Yes, so my husband and I are going to get vaccinated. Second week some paperwork to pick up at the dr. office, fill out at home and return to dr. office via their mailbox. Third week FIL's house dr. called  in to say in the fourth week someone is coming to our home to vaccinate all three of us at a specified time.   The paperwork only mentioned BioNtec/Moderna and that there is a chance of getting a case of Bell's Palsy from the vaccine. Oh, that sounds awful to me actually. But better than thrombosis of the sinus (Johnson & Johnson of late) or the brain (Astra Zeneca) I hope none of us has any kind of ill side effects. In the  back of my mind this week I am very aware that things CAN go terribly wrong and each day up to 'vaccine day' feels like 'perhaps the last day I am able to blink with both eyelids' or 'perhaps the last day I have a symetrical facial expression' or 'the last day before a stroke ruins the rest of my life,' etc. Yes, I am worried.  
  4. Transnational family in a pandemic world :-(

    I haven't seen America since 2009. My whole family lives in America but each member in a different state.   Mom died there this January and Dad had no funeral, just took the urn of ashes home and showed it to us in Skype one day. By 'us' I mean the one sibling that still shows up in Skype or responds to emails/group emails.   The other sibling in America has fallen off the cyber map. As long distance calling is free within America, Dad tries to stay in touch with that one by phone of late but doesn't get any kind of conversation going. He took up calling that sib after Mom died as the absentee sibling was having mental health decline while Mom's own health was in decline/Mom suspected sib had signs of early dementia (mid-50s) but never got around to saying so to sib/sibling still in communication and I suspect spousal abuse due to a cryptic phone call mentioning hubby wanting to put her in a mental hospital. But no follow-up/way to get over there and see what's going on in person.    Another person left falling through the cracks while corona drags on. 
  5. Personally, I would like to have the real covid-19 test (not the latest at home kit type) to see if I unknowingly already have the antibodies before I say sure, I want that double dose vaccine. Why waste vaccine others need when you already have unwittingly had covid anyway? Shouldn't we all get a proper test before a jab?
  6. Why are you unhappy today?

    I want to thank you all for taking the time to send such kind words and support. It feels like longer than ten days since Mom entered hospice.   My father chose not to set up Skype at the hospice while Mom was still able to at times speak. A few days ago he packed up, having decided Mom was 'gone' because he just couldn't see her with the death rattle breathing. He stayed away a few days and even when the pastor called to say Mom seems close to passing, he at first said he didn't want to see her and hung up on them. This news really distressed me. He is so close and can touch her, and then I am so far and can't. But it was all too much for him, so I have to accept his choice. I told him I believe Mom is still there as long as her body is alive. Later that day he changed his mind and did go and hold her hand a while. Thank goodness! I hope he goes back again.    It took me a long time to get ittogether and just figure out using Skype-to-Phone would do and I was finally able to call and talk to my mom at the hospice last night. The nurse held the phone by her ear. I had written what I wanted to tell her, like a script, in case I lost it and cried but I managed ok. I heard Mom breathing, and a tiny sort of rasp like you hear when someone has bronchitis. When I was finished talking, the nurse was very bright on the other end and said 'She responded! She took some deep breaths! That's great!' Which, for me was a great relief. I didn't want her to go without knowing I had been aware of where she was and that she was dying.   As I type I don't know if Mom is still on Earth or has passed over to...wherever we go. When I'm in the house on my own, I sing a few quiet songs sometimes that remind me of my childhood with her, stuff from musicals that I downloaded a few days ago as a playlist titled 'Mom' and play whenever I like. That's a bit 'Gaurdians of the Galaxy' isn't it? A mix of cheery and romantic tunes with swelling notes and catchy lyrics.       
  7. Why are you unhappy today?

    Today my father wrote that he took my mother to hospice. Only yesterday, after a trip to the ER did they get the news that Mom has three brain tumors and multiple other large tumors throughout her body. They gave her a week to three months to live. This after her four years with contained sepsis in her right knee that started with a routine knee replacement surgery. A month ago the orthopedic dr. said it was time for Mom to have her left hip replaced but she'd have to have that sepsis knee and leg below it amputated first so the sepsis couldn't get into the new hip area.   My family, scattered across America and no sibs near my parents, me over here in DE, all thought her rapid cognitive decline in the month after that news was depression, wondered about her strange memory issues, thought maybe it was dementia creeping in at 78, then Dad wrote about needing to buy Mom diapers, after some years of them both getting up in the night up to six times to get Mom's swollen leg fluid all peed out on a proper toilet.   Today I went to work an hour after reading the hospice bit, totally messed up the cash register, blabbered to co-workers and guests, and the tears just kept on flowing. Managed to drive to/from work ok. Not managing to sleep tonight. Won't be managing a flight to see Mom now or help Dad out when she's gone any time soon. Glad for Skype and hope it works at the hospice so I can see my Mom one last time at the very least. Overwhelmed but also glad she'll soon have no more fear about an amputation to deal with and no more massive lack of sleep (Dad as well). Sorry already  for my Dad who will be on his own in that house at 81. She was his entire world.