Acton

Not everything here is about you John.

After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. Corona's president sits down and says, "Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. Then Budweiser's president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. Coors' president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, the only one made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

Mother’s milk… Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote: 1) It is perfect formula for the child. 2) It provides immunity against several diseases. 3) It is always the right temperature. 4) It is inexpensive. 5) It bonds the child to mother and vice versa. 6) It is always available as needed And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test he wrote: 7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it. He got an A+.

These are actual complaints received by a holiday company from dissatisfied customers: 1. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax." 2. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food." 3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish." 4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price." 5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room." 6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow." 7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned." 8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared." 9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers." 10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts." 11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun." 12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair." 13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller." 14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service." 15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners." 16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning." 17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel." 18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes." 19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

Reminds me of the story: A 69 year old millionaire  walks into his club with a stunning  blonde  on his arm. His friends asked if he had lied about  his age. He said yes, he had told her he was 89 years old.

I can't believe that anybody in those times could possiblly be so fat!

At a conference about uncontrolled world poulation growth, the speaker said,   "Somewhere in the world, a woman is giving birth to a baby every 8 seconds." (Yes, this story is very old).   Someone from the back shouts,   " Somebody has to find this woman urgently and stop her!"

You can find many more if you look.

I wonder what Keith thinks of all these jokes about him?

Wow! Aren't  WE posh! A fermata indeed.

It's nice to know that people here share my sense of humour.  

Eat what you like to live. Not live to eat. That's my philosophy anyway.

A person from Save the Children was giving a lecture to a group of people at a fund-raising event. He told the audience, " Every time I clap my hands together, a child dies in Africa". And proceeded to clap his hands every second.   A lady shouts from the back, " For heaven's sake man, stop clapping your hands then!"

Is the cat wearing a Santa Claus coat?

For some reason, this always brings a tear to my eye and I wanred to share it. I'm half Welsh, bye the way.   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AARrVAHnkdY

R.I.P Crypto.

Some people have more money than sense.

 

Of course not. Not as an investment.