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Posts posted by Neil373

  1. I was thinking more along the lines of the Molotov cocktail that consists of filling a milk bottle with petrol and stuffing a rag in the top.


    But yes, the less lethal variety of Molotov cocktail is just vodka with a splash of 150 proof rum in the top which you set fire to (but blow out before drinking) :D


  2. 10 Vodkas in one cocktail!!


    Sounds like a Molotov Cocktail... but why do they even bother with the Grenadine? The last thing you're going to be thinking when you're passed out on the floor after drinking one is... hmm that Grenadine really gave that cocktail a kick !


  3. I had a few problems with this when I first came to Germany because when I cancelled my UK policy and asked for a no-claims bonus they first of all sent me a confirmation which specifically stated that it was only valid in the UK.


    After a few irate phone calls I managed to get them to simply write a letter stating that I had been insured for X number of years and had not made any claims, and this was finally accepted by my German insurance company.


    The best thing to do is phone a few of the German insurance companies and ask them what they will accept as proof of no claims, then at least you can instruct your UK insurer to give you an NCB letter that will be accepted.


  4. The answer is really very simple.


    Before it's too late, Britain should hold a referendum. The population should be allowed to vote on whether they wish to be British and protect their culture, or be Multi-Cultural and continue to bring in laws to appease every single religious, racial or sexual minority.


    I'd say that a very firm majority would vote to keep Britain British. No one is forced to live in Britain, after all, all British Citizens have freedom of movement in the EU, and as far as any immigrants are concerned it's quite simple, "Welcome to Britain, this is how it is, this is how it's staying, if you don't like it you are free to leave at any time".


    My wonderful hosts here in Switzerland haven't had to bring in any laws to make me feel at home, I'm happy to adapt to their way of life (I now have my own fondue and a raclette set :D ) and so it should be with all countries.


    All of course in my most humble opinion




  5. It's hard to believe people like this exist. Some of them are determined not to be helped. They must have been born & raised in a deep mineshaft and only brought out for these shows!



    Bamber Gascoigne: What was Ghandi's first name?

    Contestant: Goosey, Goosey?



    Anne Robinson: In traffic, what "J" is where two roads meet?

    Contestant: Jool carriageway.


    Anne Robinson: Which Italian city is overlooked by Vesuvius?

    Contestant: Bombay.


    Anne Robinson: What insect is commonly found hovering above lakes?

    Contestant: Crocodiles.

    Anne Robinson: Wh...?

    Contestant (interrupting): Pass!


    Anne Robinson: In olden times, what were minstrels, travelling entertainers or chocolate salesmen?

    Contestant: Chocolate salesmen.


    Anne Robinson: The Bible, the New Testament. The Four Gospels were written by Matthew, Mark, Luke and...?

    Contestant: (long pause) Joe?


    Anne Robinson: Who was a famous Indian leader, whose name begins with G, revered by millions, who was assassinated and received a state funeral?

    Contestant: Geronimo!



    Eamonn Holmes: What's the name of the playwright commonly known by the initials G.B.S.?

    Contestant: William Shakespeare.



    Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?

    Caller: Japan.

    Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.

    Caller: Er... Mexico?



    1) Something a blind man might use? - A Sword


    2) A song with the word Moon in the title? - Blue Suede Moon


    3) Name the capital of France? - F


    4) Name a bird with a long Neck? - Naomi Campbell


    5) Name an occupation where you might need a torch? - A burglar


    6) Where is the Taj Mahal? - Opposite the Dental Hospital


    7) What is Hitler's first name? - Heil


    8) A famous Scotsman? - Jock


    9) Some famous brothers? - Bonnie and Clyde.


    10) A dangerous race? - The Arabs


    11) Something that floats in a bath? - Water


    12) An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers? - A horse


    13) Something you wear on a beach? - A deckchair


    14) A famous Royal? - Mail


    15) Something that flies that doesn't have an engine? - A bicycle with wings


    16) A famous bridge? - The Bridge Over Troubled Waters


    17) Something a cat does? - Goes to the toilet


    18) Something you do in the bathroom? - Decorate


    19) A method of securing your home? - Put the kettle on


    20) Something associated with pigs? - The Police


    21) A sign of the Zodiac? - April


    22) Something people might be allergic to? - Skiing


    23) Something you do before you go to bed? - Sleep


    24) Something you put on walls? - A roof


    25) Something slippery? - A conman


    26) A kind of ache? - A fillet of fish


    27) A jacket potato topping? - Jam


    28) A food that can be brown or white? - A potato


    29) Something sold by gypsies? - Bananas


    30) Something red? - My sweater



    Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?

    Contestant: Barcelona.

    Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.

    Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.



    Wright: On which continent would you find the River Danube?

    Contestant: India.


    Wright: What is the Italian word for motorway?

    Contestant: Espresso.


    Wright: What is the capital of Australia? And it's not Sydney.

    Contestant: Sydney.



    Judy Finnegan: The American TV show 'The Sopranos' is about opera. True or false?

    Contestant: True?

    Judy Finnegan: No, actually, it's about the Mafia. But it is an American TV show,so I'll give you that.



    Paul Wappat: How long did the Six Day War between Egypt and Israel last?

    Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.



    Presenter: Bob Hope was the fifth of how many sons?

    Contestant: Four



    Wood: What "K" could be described as the Islamic Bible?

    Contestant: Er...

    Wood: It's got two syllables... Kor...

    Contestant: Blimey?

    Wood: Ha ha ha ha no. The past participle of run...

    Contestant: (Silence)

    Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I...

    Contestant: Walked?



    Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?

    Contestant: Holland?

    Daryl Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.

    Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?

    Daryl Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?

    Contestant: No.


  6. Who Needs a Man ?


    If you want someone who will do anything to please you, get a dog.


    If you want someone who will bring you the newspaper without tearing through it first for the sports page, get a dog.


    If you want someone who'll make a total fool of himself because he's so glad to see you, get a dog.


    If you want someone who eats whatever you put in front of him and never says his mother made it better, get a dog.


    If you want someone who's always eager to go out any time you ask and anywhere you want to go, get a dog.


    If you want someone who can scare away burglars without waving a lethal weapon around, endangering you and all the neighbours, get a dog.


    If you want someone who never touches the remote, couldn't care less about Monday Night Football, and watches dramatic movies with you as long as you want, get a dog.


    If you want someone who'll be content just to snuggle up and keep you warm in bed, and who you can kick out of bed if he slobbers and snores, get a dog.


    If you want someone who never criticizes anything you do, doesn't care how good or bad you look, acts as though every word you say is worth hearing, never complains, and loves you unconditionally all the time, get a dog!


    On the other hand...


    If you want someone who never comes when you call him, totally ignores you when you walk in the room, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, prowls around all night and comes home only to eat and sleep all day, and acts as though you are there only to see that He's happy...


    Get a CAT!


  7. Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't?

    A. A navel.


    Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?

    A. Call her and tell her.


    A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."


    A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a case of beer, any kind except Schlitz. The bartender says, "What's wrong with Schlitz, don't you like it? The man says, "I hate that shit". Last night I drank a whole case of Schlitz and blew chunks. The bartender says, "You drink a case of any beer you're going to blow chunks". You don't understand said the man, Chunks is my dog.


    A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat. During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck. Suddenly a really ugly man, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly man walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar with the two of the most beautiful women you ever saw. Disheartened by all this, the good looking man asks the barman, 'Excuse me, but that really ugly man just came in here and left with those two stunning women - what's his secret? He's as ugly as sin and I'm everything a girl could want but have not been able to connect all night - What's going on?' 'Well,' Said the Barman, 'I don't know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows...'


    Once there were twin brothers by the name of Jones. John Jones was married, and Joe Jones was single. The single brother Joe was the proud owner of a dilapidated row boat. It happened that John Jone's wife died the same day that Joe's rowboat filled with water and sank.


    A few days later, a kindly old lady met Joe and mistaken him for John said; "Oh Mr. Jones, I am sorry to hear of your great loss, you must feel terrible".


    Joe smiled and said, "Well I am not a bit sorry, she was rather old from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up and she smelled of dead fish. Even the first time I got into her, she made water faster than anything I ever saw. She had a bad crack and a pretty big hole in her front, and that hole got bigger every time I used her. It got so I could barely handle her, but if anyone else used her she leaked like anything. The thing that finished her was four guys from the other side of town. They came down looking for a good time and asked if I could lend her to them. I warned them she wasn't so hot, but they could take a crack at her if they liked. Well, the result was the crazy fools tried to get inside her all at once and it was too much for her. She cracked right up the middle".


    Before he could finish the old lady fainted!


  8. Exactly the same happened to me as well, which was a bit confusing because I was responding to two different posts, and even though my posts were consecutive, they should have been separate as they made no sense when joined up.


    Let's see if I can repeat the problem:


    *****This is the end of my first post*****


    and here is my second post... I wonder if it will be merged?


    >>>Third post - well I guess that answers that question... :D


  9. LOL... what's better to admit to... being drunk at work or not being able to type?


    I'd hate to be thought of as not being able to type :P


    Besides Muffin, if people wanted to laugh at you I'm sure they could find something funnier about you than your typing... :ph34r:


  10. I had my eyes fixed in 1997, but I didn't opt for a laser.


    I just got to the stage one day where I was really sick of walking into the pub on a cold winter's day and my glasses steaming up immediately, then I'd take my glasses off and stumble blindly around the pub until one of my friends called out to let me know where they were.


    The problem with a laser is that it burns a sort of U-shaped gully in the eye, which is fine for improving really bad eyesight, but it can take a while to heal and it isn't terribly accurate.


    I went for microsurgery which involves the use of a diamond tipped scalpel which cuts a clean V-shaped groove in the eye which heals faster and allows for more accuracy, the only problem is that it can't be used if your eyesight is really bad.


    The whole procedure was really very quick and painless. Fist of all my eye was frozen with eyedrops and I was given some valium so I wouldn't fidget, then an electronic scanning pen was rubbed over my eye and this created a 3D map of my eye on a computer which then calculated the location, length and depth of the 4 incisions which would be made in the eye. These were then set into a cutting guide which was placed onto the surface of my eye (which was held open by clamps), and I just looked up into a microscope light (whilst comfortably lying down), my eye went blurry four times over the space of two minutes, and then I was told that it was all done ! I had to wear an eye patch for the rest of the day and use eye drops for a few days, but it just felt like I had a bit of sand in my eye. When I woke up the next morning I could see perfectly through my "new" eye!


    For the next two weeks I wasn't allowed to put my head lower than my waist, and I wasn't allowed to do anything that would increase my blood pressure (sex & exercise were banned) so as not to mess up the incisions as they healed. After two weeks I then went back and had the other eye done.


    @Bombi - As I was short sighted, the surgeon deliberately under-corrected by 0.5 dioptres, which isn't enough to notice, but means that when normal people become long-sighted with age and need glasses, I won't. And seven years on, I'm happily typing this without glasses, and had an eye test last month for my Swiss driving licence and they stamped the form to say I don't need glasses to drive.


    I can't remember exactly how much it cost, but I got change from two grand, and if you add up how much you spend on glasses and contact lenses, it's a bargain.


    I thoroughly recommend it to anyone who wears glasses or contacts.


  11. In America they put woman on a pedestal but in Wales they've put her on their national flag.




    A man moves to a village in Wales and gets talking to an old man from the village.

    He asks the old man what his name is, but the old man gets very irate at this point and says:

    - See that line of houses over there? I built them all, but do they call me Jones the house builder? Do they hell!

    - See those railway lines over there? I laid them all, but do they call me Jones the engineer? Do they hell!

    - See those bridges over that river? I built them all, but do they call me Jones the bridge builder? Do they hell!

    - But, a long long time ago, I fucked ONE sheep...




    The Welsh Assembly announced recently the opening of Wales's second airport, the Gurnos Estate International Airport in Merthyr Tydfil.

    The first flight to arrive was the 11.50 Virgin Airlines Cross-Atlantic flight from America. The people from Gurnos estate were so excited that they raced to meet the flight, as it was the first Virgin seen in the area for 20 years.




    C: Faint o athrawon prifysgol sydd rhaid am newid bwlb golau?

    A: Pedwar cant ac un. Un i wneud y gwaith, a phedwar cant i sefyll mewn pwllgor yn Aberystwyth i gael gair am "ffilament".





    Hospitals right across Wales are getting ready for a birth explosion this coming Xmas and are already trying to recruit extra medical staff to cope. "It's is a worrying side effect of foot and mouth, with the country side closed off and so many dead sheep, our women are bound to be getting a bit more attention" said Gwyn Lloyd Jones of South Glamorgan Health Trust.


    The UFWWL (Ugly Fat Welsh Women's League) has reported that they are overjoyed with the situation and are campaigning for a stop to sheep farming in Wales for good. "It's wonderful. All the women in our village are getting some at the moment", said a 25 year old fat Welsh munter.




    In the beginning, the lord God almighty turned to his best mate, the archangel Gabriel, and said: "Gabby, today I am going to create a beautiful part of the earth and I will call it Wales. I will make a country of breathtaking blue lakes, rich green forests and dark beautiful mountains. Which from time to time will be snow covered. I will give it clear, swift rivers, which will overflow with salmon and trout. The land shall be lush and fertile on which the people can raise cattle and grow their food, as well as being rich with precious metals and stones that will be sought after the world over.


    Underneath the land I shall lay rich seams of coal for the inhabitants to mine. Around the coast, I will make some of the most beautiful areas in the world. Golden sandy beaches and cliffs that will attract all manner of wildlife. With lots of islands that will be like a paradise to all who visit them. In the deep blue waters around the shores, there will be an abundance of sea life. The people who live there will be called the Welsh and will be the friendliest people on earth."

    "Excuse me sir," interrupted the archangel Gabriel, "dont you think your being a bit too generous to these Welsh?" "Don't talk rubbish," replied the lord. "Wait till you see the neighbours I'm giving them"!


  12. Prince Charles was driving around the Windsor Castle estate when he accidentally ran over his mother's favourite corgi, crushing it to a pulp. He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass, totally distraught. The whole world was against him anyway, and now his mother would go ballistic. Suddenly, he noticed an old oil lamp half buried in the ground. He dug it up, started cleaning it up, and immediately a genie appeared.

    "You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment," said the genie. "As a reward, I shall grant you one wish."


    "Well," said the Prince, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog." They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog. "Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?" the Prince asked.


    The genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head. "This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Is there something else you would like?"


    The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos. "I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana," said Charles, showing the genie the first photo. "But now I love this woman named Camilla," and he showed the second photo to the genie. "You can see that Camilla isn't beautiful at all, so do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana?"


    The genie studied the two photographs and, after a few minutes, said, "Let's have another look at that dog."


    At last - decent chain letter as opposed to the normal and stupid chain letters or pyramid schemes. This one costs nothing, and you can only win. Simply send this email to six (6) of your mates or work colleagues.



    Anesthetize your wife/girlfriend, put her in a large carton (don't forget some ventilation holes), and send it to the person who is at the top of your list.

    Soon your name will be at the top of the list, and you will receive 823,542 women through the post.


    Statistically, among those women will be at least:


    - 0.5 miss worlds


    - 2.5 models


    - 463 wild nymphos


    - 3,234 good-looking nymphos


    - 20,198 who enjoy multiple orgasms


    - 41,743 bi-sexual women.


    In total, that is 65,641 women who are simply hornier, less inhibited, and tastier than the grumpy old bag you posted off. And, best of all, your original package is guaranteed not to be one of those that come back to you.



    One bloke, for example, who sent the letter to only five instead of six of his friends got his original bird back, still in the old dressing gown he sent her off in, with the same old migraine attack, and the accusatorial expression on her face.


    On the same day, the international supermodel he'd been living with since he sent off his old girlfriend moved out to live with his best friend (to whom he had not sent the chain letter).


    While I am sending this letter, the bloke that is in 5th place above me has already received 837 women and is lying in hospital suffering from exhaustion. Outside his ward are another 452 packages.



    This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying sex life!


    No expensive meals out, and no lengthy conversations about trivialities (that only interest women) just so that you can screw her. No further obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, and no unpleasant surprises like marriage or engagement.


    Do not hesitate... send this letter today to six of your best friends or work colleagues NOW!


    PS. Even when you have no girlfriend, you can send your vacuum cleaner.


    PPS. This letter may also be copied to women you know so that they can prepare themselves for the great adventure that they may soon undertake.



    That is a bit unfair of them!!

    Yup ! That was Commerzbank... that's one of the myriad of reasons I parted ways with them after only 11 months. Now I have a much better arrangement... I'm the boss of the department :P


  14. Christmas Cake Recipe




    1 cup of water


    1 tsp baking soda


    1 cup of sugar


    1 tsp salt


    1 cup of brown sugar


    lemon juice


    4 large eggs




    bottle Vodka


    2 cups of dried fruit


    Sample the vodka to check quality.


    Take a large bowl, check the vodka again.


    To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.




    Turn on the electric mixer.


    Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.


    Add one teaspoon of sugar.


    Beat again.


    At this point it's best to make sure the vodka is shtill OK.


    Try another cup ... just in case


    Turn off the mixerer.


    Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.


    Pick fruit off floor.


    Mix on the turner.


    If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver.


    Sample the vodka to check for tonsisticity.


    Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who giveshz a shit.


    Check the vodka.


    Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.


    Add one table.


    Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.


    Greash the oven.


    Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.


    Don't forget to beat off the turner.


    Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the vodka and kick the cat.






  15. Whenever I used to apply for holiday on a Brückentag it used to get turned down because I'd applied only four or so weeks beforehand and ze Germans in my department had already handed their holiday request forms in on 1st January.


    Still, I quite enjoyed those days at work, all ze Germans were away and myself and the other blissfully ignorant expats in the office had a much better laugh without them.


    So if you want Brücketag holidays then book now... and you still might be too late !


  16. The Death of Santa Claus

    There are about 2 billion children of the age 18 or below in the world, but since Santa Claus will ignore those believing in Islam, Hinduism, Judaism and Buddhism (except Japan), therefore according to the data from Census, the workload of Santa Claus includes only 15% of all the children, i.e. 378 million. According to statistics, there are on average 3.5 children in each family, so if we assume that there is at least one good child in each family, then Santa Claus has to go to 108 million families.


    Thanks to the self rotation of the earth and different time zones, if Santa Claus starts his journey from the East, and goes along to the West, then he would have around 31 hours of Christmas to finish his job. In this period, he must visit 967.7 families per second, i.e., putting the gifts in the stockings, placing the remaining gifts under the Christmas Tree, climbing up the chimney, jumping on to the sleigh and depart for the next family.


    For simplicity, let us assume that the 108 million families are evenly distributed on the surface of the earth. Then, the average distance between 2 families are about 780m, and the whole journey is as long as 75,500,000km, and this doesn't include taking rests and going to bathroom. Therefore the Santa Claus's Sleigh needs to travel in a speed of at least 650km/s, about 3000 times the speed of sound. Comparatively, the fastest ever artificially accelerated solar probe - Ulysses, travels at a sluggish speed of 27.4km/s only. Superman can fly at 1km/s. An ordinary reindeer at most can just run at 15km/h.


    There is another issue about loading. Assume that the gift that each child receives is just an ordinary Lego package (about 2 lb), then merely the gifts will consist of 500,000 tons. On earth, an ordinary reindeer can pull a weight of 300 lb. Assume that a flying reindeer has 10 times the power of an ordinary one, then Santa Claus still requires 360,000 flying reindeers to transport the gifts. But the total weight of 360,000 flying reindeers itself weights over 54000 tons, together with a sleigh that can afford such a weight of loading, this makes the total weight over 600,000 tons. This is about the weight of 30 Godzilla, or 78 Queen Elizabeth Ocean Liner.


    Similar to a space shuttle traveling back to earth, an object of 600,000 tons traveling at a speed of 650km/s in the atmosphere will have friction with the air and generate heat. The 2 reindeers in the front of the group will absorb 1.43 x 10^19 Joule energy per second, this make the poor reindeers explode in an instance, and the power will involve all the other reindeers behind and all of them will explode into ashes. Furthermore, the Ultrasonic wave pulse generated by traveling at 3000 times the speed of sound will destroy all the troop of reindeers, the sleigh and the gifts, everything will dissipate into thin air in the period of 0.00426 second, this is exactly when Santa Claus reaches the 5th family.


    However, all of the above are not important anyway. This is because when Santa Claus accelerated from rest to 650km/s in a period of 0.001 second, (recall that Santa Claus need to visit about 1000 families in 1 second) he must withstand 17,500G of gravitational acceleration. Even if Santa Claus is as slim as 250 lb only, he will still be crushed onto the backseat of the sleigh by 4,315,015 lb of pressure acting on him, crushing his organs and skeleton in an instance, leaving only a mince of meat.


    Therefore, if there were Santa Claus, he would be dead.