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Posts posted by Neil373

  1. Valentine's Day Messages

    Roses are straight,


    Violets are twisted,


    Bend over love,


    You're about to get fisted.


    Roses are crap,


    Violets are wanky,


    Oooh I've just come,


    Pass me a hanky.


    Roses are stupid,


    Violets are silly,


    Grease up your flaps,


    Cos here comes my willy.


    Roses are awful,


    Violets are the pits,


    Lift up your shirt,


    And show us your tits.


    Roses are crap,


    Violets are shit,


    Sit on my face,


    And wiggle a bit.


    Roses make me laugh,


    Violets make me titter,


    You're a dirty bitch,


    And you love it up the shitter.


    Roses are red,


    But I like carnations,


    You're so crap in bed,


    That I fucked your alsations.


    Roses are red,


    Violets are finer,


    Chickens are fowl,


    Just like your vagina.


    Roses are red,


    It's elementary,


    Let's ring up a friend,


    And try double-entry.


    Roses are shit,


    Violets are crap,


    Show me your clit,


    And I'll cum in your lap.


  2. It's funny how, as we get older, our priorities change. The other morning I awoke to see my wife standing beside the bed, dressed in very skimpy underwear and holding several pieces of velvet rope.

    "Tie me up and you can do anything you want", she purred.

    So I tied her up and went fishing.


    Relationships are sometimes difficult to handle.

    It's like a full time job, and we should treat it as one: if your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, he/she should give you two weeks notice and, they should organize you a TEMP!!!



    For me the standard of life is better in Frankfurt than most cities in the UK

    According to Mercer HR Consulting, the quality of living in Frankfurt is better than ALL cities in the UK... but not as high as Zurich. :P


    That said, despite not being able to pay by credit card (whats's wrong with an EC card?), I haven't found people to be that rude at all. Unless of course you walk up to them and in a loud and patronising voice bawl "Do you speak English?" in which case they are quite within their rights to be rude to you.


    In fact, I like Frankfurt so much I think I'll jump in my car at 4pm and drive the 422kms from Zurich to visit the Ford of the Franks for the weekend !!!


  4. Here are a few suggestions:


    Arosa in Switzerland, journey time 7 hours


    ICE from FFT to Zurich

    Regionalbahn from Zurich to Chur

    Funky mountain railway from Chur to Arosa village (station is less than 100metres from main ski lift)


    Zell am See, Austria, journey time 7 1/2 hours (4 trains)


    Kitzbühel, Austria, journey time 6 1/2 hours (4 trains)


    Alternatively, open up both of the following sites:






    Use Bergfex to pick a ski resort, then to see how long it takes to get there by train.


    If cute friend needs a ski guide in Switzerland then let me know :P



    I think Tunisia might offer what you are after, but having never been I can't really say anything about it. Temps 8-18 in March.

    I've been to Tunisia, the country is OK, the people are another matter. You get hassled a lot by kids trying to drag you into their uncle's carpet shop, or generally trying to rip you off. If you're white, female and scantily clad you will get a lot of unwanted attention from the local men (fortunately, they left me alone though), so if that sort of thing makes you feel uncomfortable then I'd advise against Tunisia.


    How about Brazil? Sure, the flights a little longer, but if you want hot weather, white sand and warm seas at this time of year you're either going to have to go to the southern hemisphere or somewhere near the equator.



    Sounds good so far...are the women lovely and clean too? How about the culture there and expat community? (Are the people in general relatively friendly to foreigners?)

    The women are lovely and clean, they shower or bathe daily and even wash their hair. They also have a lot less body and facial hair than their neighbours to the south in Italy. :D


    Anyway, you can judge for yourself here


    There is a large expat community (predominantly based around pubs of course) and the locals are generally very friendly to foreigners as long as you are from a reputable EU country (not the lot that joined last year). Basically, if you´re a Brit then you´ll be just fine.


  7. If you get a job then getting a permit for an EU citizen is very simple.


    At the moment the type of permit you get depends on where you live, each Canton has a set number of five year "B" permits that they can give to citizens of each country, if the quota has been filled you just get a 1 year "L" permit (I´m now on my second one). But as of May 2007 all bilateral visa quotas with the EU will be scrapped and all EU citizens with a job in Switzerland will automatically get a B permit. After five years you then get a C permit which lasts until you get full citizenship.


    And yes, the money is lovely and clean... I think they only use it once then throw it away! I´ve never seen a scruffy banknote here!


  8. Oi you lot... don´t forget Zürich... A big financial centre, and prettier than Koln, Berlin, Hamburg, Frankfurt and Munich combined. Oh, and almost everyone speaks English and you pay very low tax.


    Right, I´m just off to collect my commission cheque from the Swiss Tourist Board :D


  9. A cracking selection of readers' letters from Viz


    Hats off to the England cricketers for their achievements in the Ashes this summer, which rightly earned Andrew 'Freddie' Flintoff BBC Sports personality of the Year. Winning a two-team tournament against a nation with a much smaller population once in every ten attempts, then never shutting up about it makes me proud to be British.

    Ben Hunt


    The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish they'd make their minds up.



    'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.

    Colin Hill


    I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail lose around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery.

    L Palmer, London


    The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the law, so will I.

    P Boddington, Ringway


    Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's m!nge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?

    P, Leeds


    On holiday a few years back, I took part in a quiz and managed to reach the final only to lose out after what I consider to this day, to be a correct answer. The question asked 'What 'C' would you associate Jeremy Clarkson with?' to which I confidently replied '<unt'. Not only was I told the answer was incorrect, but I was asked by the holiday rep to leave the premises immediately! Has anyone else experienced such appalling treatment whilst holidaying with one's family?

    Noel, Leeds


    My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to make than this?

    Alun Daniel


    I'll never understand my neighbour. He has recently started wheel-clamping his own caravan when he finds he has inadvertently parked it in his own drive! I wonder if he is a sadist, a masochist or both.

    Alan Thakray


    Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson's remake of the classic Life of Brian wasn't anywhere near as funny as the original?


    On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road

    Alan J., London


    Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits climbing into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should get some faster cars.

    T Barnham, London


    Could the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on muslim cleric Abu Hamsa.

    Les, Barnsley


    How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for the rich and another for the poor.

    Reg Ashcroft, Bradford


    The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the poor sods?

    John Campbell, e-mail


    Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.

    Mike Woods, e-mail


    With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces soldiers try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include a couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the tw*t quickly enough the last time he played hide and seek with them.

    Shuggie, e-mail


    Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour.

    Chris Scaife, Jesmond


    I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David Kelly took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much, but isn't this taking gloating just a little too far?

    Dave Owen, Edinburgh


    I was extremely saddened to hear of Richard Whiteley's recent death. But I was cheered to imagine his life support machine making the famous Countdown "da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da! Booooooo!" sound as he took his final breaths.



    I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My dad is Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs.



    What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.

    Thomas J


  10. Amusing Insults


    I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!


    I don't think you are a fool. But then what's MY opinion against thousands of others?


    I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside.


    I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?


    I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!


    I heard you went to have your head examined but the doctors found nothing there.


    I know you are nobody's fool but maybe someone will adopt you.


    I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.


    I would ask you how old you are but I know you can't count that high.


    I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?


    I'd like to leave you with one thought...but I'm not sure you have anywhere to put it!


    I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.


    I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying.


    I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?


    I've seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission!


    If I ever need a brain transplant, I'd choose yours because I'd want a brain that had never been used.


    If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.


    If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it would be genocide!


    If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's invulnerable.


    If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.


    If your brain was chocolate it wouldn't fill an M&M.


    Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent.


    Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!


    Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.


    So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.


    Some day you will find yourself - and wish you hadn't.


    There is no vaccine against stupidity.


  11. A few Facts about 24's Jack Bauer


    - You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.


    - If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.


    - If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.


    - Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.


    - Every time you masturbate Jack Bauer kills a terrorist. Not because you masturbated, but because that is how often he kills terrorists.


    - Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.


    - Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.


    - Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.


    - 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.


    - Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days. Wait, that is a real fact.


    - Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.


    - Jack Bauer let the dogs out.


    - Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.


    - If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.


    - Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.


    - Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.


    - When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer fucking hates lemonade.


    - When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.


    - Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.


    - The quickest way to a man's heart is through Jack Bauer's gun.


    - Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.


    - Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.


    - People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.


    - It would only take 1 bullet for Jack Bauer to kill 50 Cent.


    - Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.


    - Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better fucking do it.


  12. WOMEN !!!




    First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.


    Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.


    Third date: You get to have s e x but only in the missionary position.




    First Date: You both get blind drunk and have s e x.


    Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have s e x.


    20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have s e x.




    First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.


    Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.


    Third Date: You have s e x, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring.


    5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having s e x.


    6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.




    First Date: You get dynamite head.


    Second Date: You get more great head.


    Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.




    First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.


    Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.


    Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you already realized nothing is going to happen.




    First date: Meet her parents.


    Second date: Set the date of the wedding.


    Third date: Wedding night.




    First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.


    Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.


    Third Date: You get to pay her rent.


    Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.




    First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have s e x in the back of her car.


    Second Date: She's pregnant.


    Third Date: She moves in. One week later: her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Rio Grande.




  13. One of the British national daily newspapers is asking readers "what it means to be British" Some of the emails are hilarious but this is one from a chap in Switzerland...

    "Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, and then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.


    And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of anything foreign."


  14. You know you've been living in Switzerland too long when ...


    you think getting up early is good.

    you actually get interested in the local elections.

    you expect the shop clerk to say goodbye after you purchase something.

    you try to defend cartel based economics to a visitor.

    you think that plaid jackets with flowery ties don't look that bad.

    you think it's fair that you can only wash clothes once a month.

    you wonder why anyone would want to shop outside of working hours.

    you think it's OK to drive slow on Sundays.

    you feel like you're broke if you have less that SFr. 300 in your pocket.

    you dress up to go grocery shopping.

    you understand why Chinese food should cost more than normal food.

    you prefer Swiss wine.

    you wish that your hometown had expensive garbage bags too.

    you think it's OK for a Chinese restaurant to be run by a Swiss and staffed by Spaniards and Portugese.

    you start thinking, 'Why can't they just speak Schwizerduetsch?'

    your German is better than the waiter's.

    you start preparing costumes for Fasnacht.

    you join a Guggemusik band.

    you think Thursday night shopping is really convenient.

    you think that large American cars are 'cool'.

    you think it's cool to drink expensive imported American beers.

    you prefer fizzy mineral water to tap water.

    you throw a party and expect everyone to leave by 11:30 pm.

    you clean up during parties.

    you expect dinner guests to help with the washing up.

    you begin to understand the subtlety of the Swiss cuisine.

    you appreciate the differences between the cantons.

    you feel really hungry if you don't start eating lunch by 12:00.

    you have breakfast cereal for dinner.

    you say Gruezi to everyone, and consider it impolite when they don't say it back.

    you don't mind paying SFr.16 for a paperback book.

    you think that Swisscom approved telephones are better.

    you buy a new one instead of getting it repaired.

    you think that 3% unemployment is high.

    you believe it was through its own efforts that Switzerland stayed out of World War II.

    you consider getting goats and sheep to graze in your backyard.

    you only eat fondue in winter.

    you complain to your neighbour about the noise when he flushes his toilet after 10 pm.

    you become interested in the myriad of insurance offerings.

    you take part in Jazz festivals.

    you get interested in Schwingen.

    you volunteer to help organise the Dorffest.

    you expect to be delayed by road works every summer.

    you become concerned about the colour of your neighbour's curtains.

    you put Aromat on all your food.

    you worry about getting a cold when there's a draft.

    you think spontanaeity is OK, as long as it's planned.

    you become offended when reading this.


  15. I don't think Greenpeace killed the whale... although the article doesn't adequately explain how the whale died.


    And although I think their stunt isn't perhaps in the best of taste, I do think it is a good way of drawing attention to their cause.


    There used to be a need for commercial whaling, but we can make soap out of other things nowadays, and you can use plastic in corsets instead of whalebone so I really don't understand why the Japanese are still hunting them. This crap about killing a certain number for research really shouldn't be tolerated by the world community any more. The Japanese have caught and killed more than enough to complete their research, and if they want to find out more about whales why don't they just tag them.


    If they want to go whaling they should be made to do it using hand thrown harpoons and wooden rowing boats... oh, and it should be televised... what a great reality TV show that would be, a 50 ton whale getting pissed off with ten Japanese men in a rowing boat trying to stick harpoons in him.



    Part of the problem at the moment is that the only people having kids in any numbers are the unemployed - busily producing next generation unemployables.

    I have two somewhat draconian but nevertheless effective suggestions to combat this:


    1. If you're unemployed and reproduce then you get your benefits reduced, not increased as is the case today. If the state has to support you in the first place then you shouldn't be irresponsible enough to increase the burden on the state by having children. And before any of the fairer sex beat me up for sexual discrimination, I believe the cutting of benefits should apply equally to the mother and the father.


    2. Compulsory I.Q./Aptitude tests - If you don't pass then you get sterilised. I know a short Austrian bloke with a funny moustache advocated this back in the 1930s/40s, it's a bit harsh, but not entirely without merit. Selective breeding of the stupid should of course continue to be allowed under licence, otherwise we'd have nobody to serve the food at McDonalds or sit gormlessly behind the cash desk at petrol stations. :D



    Ever heard of interest? Assuming the given rate of interest your retirement fund will look like this:

    3% €1,286,194

    4% €1,641,613

    5% €2,119,472


    Let's take the middle one (4%), let's assume 2% inlation and that's worth €1,020,050 in today's money.

    Assuming the same rates of interest and inflation, that's worth €5,160 per month for the next 20years.


    My point is you don't need to save that much.

    Of course I've heard of interest, my example was overly simplified and was just to illustrate a principle.


    In real life a person's pension savings increase dramatically over their 40 year working life, but so do their living costs as they become accustomed to a better quality of life.


    Government/official inflation rates are always somewhat understated. Did your cost of living only increase 2% last year? I find that hard to believe.


    Also, interest rates are not that high, your pension salesman might sell you a pension showing an example giving payback assuming a rate of 5%, but it doesn't really work like that, as most pension companies fail to achieve those targets, hence the problems in the UK in recent years with endowment policies etc.


    So, all that said, if your pension fund grows at 1% over inflation and you want to have a pension that will pay out a not unreasonable figure of EUR 5.000 per month (pre-tax) for 20 years of retirement then you will have to save an average of EUR 22.000 per year for 40 years.


    Personally I'm going for the "Die early while you've still got enough money to cover the funeral costs" plan :D


  18. What a ridiculous thing to put in a contract, everyone needs to blow off a bit of steam now and then with a good old whinge. It's a damn sight better than someone bottling it all up and then going nuts in the office with a handgun.


    and the "constructive suggestion" part almost voids the clause anyway.


    "You're all a shower of useless bastards and I hate this fecking job" might get you sacked, but if you were to say:


    "You're all a shower of useless bastards and I hate this fecking job... so I suggest that the company sponsors me on a round the world cruise to raise my morale"


    then you wouldn't get fired... errrr right !


  19. The only reason that the government is fretting about population shrinkage is that they can't pay the pensions bill.


    In the old days, when old age pensions were introduced it was fairly simple. You had a growing population supporting a relatively low number of pensioners (because they tended to die not long after retiring).


    These days, it's become expensive to raise a child according to today's standards (designer clothes, Xbox games, mobile phones etc.) so people are having less children, whilst at the same time, the pensioners of the 21st century aren't dying off a few years after retirement, they're living 20+ years as pensioners, drawing on the state.


    Just do the maths yourself. Let's say you're a German, aged 25, just started work, and you have a wife who will be a stay at home mother/housewife. You will work for 40 years, until you are 65 and then retire and live another 20 years, and there are no official pension schemes, you just have to save the cash on your own. In order to maintain your lifestyle when retired (and just looking at today's value of money and no career development etc.) you will have to save 1/3 of your salary for 40 years so that you can spend the same amount of money for the 20 years that you're retired.


    Say you take home EUR 50.000p.a netto


    For 40 years you live off 50.000 x 2/3 = EUR 33.333 p.a and save EUR 16.666 towards your retirement.

    When you retire you then have EUR 666.666 to last 20 years, or EUR 33.333 p.a.


    Now tell me how many of us can afford to save 1/3 of our salaries, even if you didn't have to pay Govt. pension contributions?? Not me, that's for sure.


    And basically, that's the problem. So what's been the government's strategy... simple, no one wants to have to pay 1/3 of their earnings into a pension, so as long as the population is constantly growing then there'll be enough young people paying into the pension scheme at a lower proportion of their income to support the current batch of pensioners. Each successive government (all over Europe) has had pretty much the same attitude - As long as population keeps growing it'll be OK, and hopefully some other buggers will be in charge by the time it gets to be a problem!


    All very well, but the exponential population growth needed to make this strategy work simply isn't sustainable. So giving mothers an extra allowance to have more children is plainly ridiculous.


    The real answer is simple:


    1. We do need to save more for our retirements, so governments should cut the taxes that we have to pay for these ridiculous child allowances.

    2. Old people should be encouraged to take up high risk sports, drink & smoke heavily and sleep with 18 year old hookers as soon as they are diagnosed with a heart problem!


    Vote Neil373 at the next General Erection !! :D


  20. True Story:


    A Swiss joker had his last wish fulfilled when his obituary was published as a change of address notice.


    The obituary published in the Tages-Anzeiger newspaper read:


    "Change of address for Roland Jacob"


    "My new address is the Rehalp cemetery, plot number 4276. I look forward to your visit."