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Posts posted by Neil373

  1. Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."


    His buddy said, "I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she'll probably be thrilled."


    So the fellow did. The next day his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"


    "Yes, I did," said the fellow.


    "Did she like it?" His buddy asked.


    "Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"


  2. What do an intelligent blonde and a UFO have in common?


    You often hear about them, but you never see one.




  3. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies:


    The Japanese eat relatively little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.


    The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.


    The Japanese drink relatively little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.


    The Italians drink generous amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.


    The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and other fatty foods and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.


    CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.


  4. I blame the airlines, if tickets cost the same six hours in advance as six months in advance then we'd all be able to live fun, spontaneous lives...


    Just a thought about organising all this, esp. for those who will have to stay in hotels - Does anyone know if there are any exhibitions at the Frankfurt Messe on these weekends? It can be almost impossible to get a hotel room in Frankfurt when there's a big Messe on, and I'm not sure if there'll be room for all of us to stay at Number10's apartment, even if it is sparkling clean :D


  5. No need Muffin, I'll save you the effort


    Here's the application form:


    The minimum number of people is 22, which gets you a single unit tram for EUR 77 per hour, then you can add either another one or two carriages taking capacity up to 44 or 66. The price for 44 people is 128 p/h and for 66 people it's 169 p/h.


    The minimum renting time is two hours.


    Surprisingly reasonable - even for just 22 people, a three hour trip will only be just over EUR 10 per head (plus drinks of course), and you get to decide the route!




  6. FROM: Patty Lewis, Head of HR

    TO: All Employees

    DATE: October 01, 2005

    RE: Christmas Party

    I'm happy to inform you that the office Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if the Chief shows up dressed as Santa Claus!


    A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over £5 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for Chester House! The Chief will make a special announcement at that time!


    Merry Christmas to you and your family.






    FROM: Patty Lewis, Head of HR

    TO: All Employees

    DATE: October 02, 2005

    RE: Holiday Party


    In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognise that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.


    Happy now?


    Happy Holidays to you and your family.






    FROM: Patty Lewis, Head of HR

    TO: All Employees

    DATE: October 03, 2005

    RE: Holiday Party


    Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table. You didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?


    Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that £5 is too much money and executives believe £5 is a little chintzy. NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.






    FROM: Patty Lewis, Head of HR

    To: All Employees

    DATE: October 04, 2005

    RE: Holiday Party


    What a diverse group we are! I had no idea about the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?


    Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, yes, this is allowed.


    We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!


    Did I miss anything?!?!?






    FROM: Patty Lewis, Head of HR

    TO: All F****** Employees

    DATE: October 05, 2005

    RE: The F****** Holiday Party


    Vegetarian pr**ks - I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your ******* salad bar, including organic tomatoes.


    But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die,


    The B**** from H***!!!




    FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Head of HR

    DATE: October 06, 2005

    RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party


    I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.


    Happy Holidays!


  7. A mechanic was removing the cylinder head from the engine of a Jaguar when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his garage.

    The surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come and take

    a look at his car.


    The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, could I ask you a question?"


    The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic.


    The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, take a look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks when you and I are doing basically the same work?"


    The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running."


  8. Does anyone know what the Britboard's record number of posts on one topic is?




    If you started reading this thread from the beginning and haven't taken a break yet then now is the time to do so. Stretch your legs, go to the bathroom, grab a coffee and a bite to eat, it could be another four hours before you get to the end of the thread !




  9. Here´s what has to say:


    Für entgeltpflichtige Hunde werden die gleichen Fahrpreise wie für zahlungspflichtige Kinder erhoben. Diese Regelung gilt sowohl für den Normalpreis als auch für die Sparpreise.


    - Die Mitnahme von kleinen Hunden (bis zur Größe einer Hauskatze) im Transportbehälter ist unentgeltlich.


    - Größere Hunde müssen angeleint sein und einen geeigneten Maulkorb tragen (Ausnahme: Blindenführhunde).


    - Bei internationalen Reisen ist für Hunde grundsätzlich der Kinderfahrpreis 2. Klasse zu zahlen.


    - Für NachtZug-Verbindungen gelten besondere Bedingungen.


    - Für Hunde können keine Sitzplatz-Reservierungen getätigt werden.


    But please remind your dog that smoking is only permitted in designated smoking carriages !


  10. Hi Neil


    There´s a list of english speaking doctors at the British Embassy website:



    and of course, the U.S. Consulate has an even bigger one:



    Or just go into a chemist (not one you would visit regularly) with an empty inhaler and ask for a new one in English, and when they tell you that you can´t have one and you have to go to the doctor for a prescription, tell them that you´re only here on a stopover and have to take a 14 hour flight to singapore in two hours time... after a bit of stomping of feet and making huffing noises the chemist normally gives in and gives you the inhaler just to get rid of you !!


    Good Luck