Neil373

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Posts posted by Neil373

  1. Posted

    20 Things you can only get away with saying at

    Christmas

     

    1. I prefer breasts to legs

     

    2. Smother the butter all over the breasts!

     

    3. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!

     

    4. I've never seen a better spread!

     

    5. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

     

    6. Are you ready for seconds yet?

     

    7. It's a little dry; do you still want to eat it?

     

    8. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

     

    9. Don't play with your meat.

     

    10. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will

    go.

     

    11. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these

    people at once?

     

    12. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same

    time!

     

    13. You still have a little bit on your chin.

     

    14. How long will it take after you put it in?

     

    15. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

     

    16. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.

     

    17. That's the biggest bird I've ever had!

     

    18. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning

     

    19. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and

    still want more!

     

    20. I do like a good stuffing.

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  3. Posted

    Health and Fitness - Your questions answered

     

    Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

    A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

     

    Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

    A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

     

    Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

    A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

     

    Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

    A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

     

    Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

    A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain - Good

     

    Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

    A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

     

    Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

    A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

     

    Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

    A: Are you crazy? HELLO... Cocoa beans... another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

     

    Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

    A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

     

    Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

    A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

     

    Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets and remember, "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - strawberries in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - WOO HOO! what a ride!"

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  5. Posted

    @Muffin

     

    We certainly do... we men never like to have to stop and ask for directions... to anywhere :D

     

    Funnily enough, I've asked Santa for a GPS for Christmas :P

     

    @Jonnyboy - I have absolutely no complaints about rack quality in Frankfurt, I always found it of the highest calibre. :ph34r:

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  11. Posted

    Getting tickets seems to be damned near impossible, and even if you can get one, five hundred quid for 90 minutes of watching what could be quite a dull game is a bit steep.

     

    Add to that the pubs full of football louts getting hammered and thousands of police who err on the side of caution and treat everyone as a potential hooligan...

     

    I just can't get excited about it... I think I'll go sailing instead.

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  12. Posted

    I work for a bank in Zürich and I hardly ever speak German at work. Even outside of work, you don't need much German to get around. Even my telephone bill is printed in English!

     

    When I arrived, I spoke Hochdeutsch but no Schweizerdeutsch, and it didn't take long for my Swiss colleagues to point out that they preferred speaking English rather than Hochdeutsch... who was I to complain !! :D

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  13. Posted

    Double Entendres - TV's Hilarious Gaffes

     

    MIKE Hallett on Sky Sports discussing snooker during a match where Steve Davis kept missing easy pots "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

     

    MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

     

    STEVE Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."

     

    Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

     

    JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edward's tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."

     

    WINNING Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."

     

    ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."

     

    DURING the 1989 British Masters golf tournament, the commentator observed: "Notices are appearing at courses telling golfers not to lick their balls on the green."

     

    CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."

     

    CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

     

    JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

     

    THE new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away..."My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."

     

    WILLIE Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."

     

    USPGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my god! What have I just said?"

     

    David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics - "And there goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class."

     

    Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

     

    Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."

     

    Ted Walsh- Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

     

    New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

     

    Pat Glenn- Weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

     

    (non sports) Chris Tarrant discussing the first Who wants to be a Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."

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  16. Posted

    Psyched up to watch Dirty Dancing... Oh dear

     

    Presuming that the DVDs played in German, then it won't be a problem with the DVD Player - unless of course you forgot to RTFM, in which case you probably have an operator interface problem :P

     

    EDIT: @Maaph... you beat me to it !

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  17. Posted

    @Big-Bonus

     

    Well you'll have to ask Mummy Muffin if she'll let you have a Christmas Party, but the following are all quite lively:

     

    Sausalitos - Bockenheim (excellent pint sized cocktails for happy hour)

    Joe Pena's - Bockenheim

    Garibaldi's - Just off the fressgasse

     

    On the other hand, if the Bonus is Big enough, you could always hire out Restaurant Merton :D

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  19. Posted

    I found that Skype suffered from quite severe time delays and broken speech.

     

    Because Googletalk is a simple, no whistles or bells VOIP programme it concentrates on getting the important things right rather than adding fancy videoconferencing facilities.

     

    It took me a while to get family and friends moved over as well, but it's worth it, especially when I see how low my phone bill is.

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  21. Posted

    A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.

     

    He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

     

    His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.

     

    The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

     

    "But why?" asks the man.

     

    "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

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  22. Posted

    After spying a beautiful blonde walking by, a man says to God, "God, why did you make blondes so beautiful?"

     

    God responded, "So you would love her."

     

    "But God", the man replied, "Why did you make her so dumb?"

     

    God replies, "So she would love you."

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  23. Posted

    One day there was a knock on the Pope's office door. When he answered it, the salesman said, 'Hello, my management team would like to discuss a proposal with you.' After taking a seat in his office, the salesman said, 'I am with Kentucky Fried Chicken. We would like to offer you a contract to the church if you can change the Lord's blessing from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'daily chicken'.'

     

    The Pope said, 'I'm sorry we just cannot do that.' The salesman went back to his office where he discussed the outcome of the meeting. He returned to the Pope's office a week later with the same proposal, only he had upped the bid to 4 million.

     

    The Pope gently declined, again. The next week he came again and offered the Pope an offering of 10 million. The Pope said, 'Let me think it over.'

     

    The Pope then called a meeting with the elders of the church and said, 'Well gentlemen, I have good news and bad news. Kentucky Fried Chicken has generously offered us 10 million dollars to change the Lord's Prayer from 'daily bread' to 'daily chicken'.

     

    The bad new is that we will lose the Wonder Bread Contract.

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  24. Posted

    Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different.

     

    The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Katy-Sue got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Katy-Sue got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Katy-Sue didn't get pregnant again."

     

    Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

     

    Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Katy-Sue with me."

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  25. Posted

    There were three blokes talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third bloke remained quiet.

     

    After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, 'Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?'

     

    The third fellow says, 'I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.'

     

    The first two blokes were amazed. 'What happened then?' they asked.

     

    'She said, 'GET OUT FROM UNDER THE BED AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN!'.'

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