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Everything posted by Pesar

  1. Last year I posted a topic  How to date without tinder. The idea was that I'm looking for a long time relationship and for some reason (Not being photogenic), online dating apps has never ever worked for me (And still are the same). So I was looking for other ways to find a date. There were several suggestions on that topic. Only a few of them slightly helped me on the way, for which I'm thankful of all people who responded there. General idea was to form a social circle slowly until someone within this circle is a young and single woman and is interested in starting a relationship. In the end, except a few unsuccessful cases, I could almost never find a date. Building such a social circle in Germany could take years if not decades. But then the corona lockdown came and it was officially a gameover to any effort to find a date out of online services. Whoever is doing ok with apps like tinder, I'm happy for you. It just never works for me. So what I'm writing here is about my experience in the past (Before corona) and asking for some ideas for future when hopefully things get back to normal. Emotionally Unavailable I was looking for a partner for a long time relationship until I hit this wall. It means people who are just unavailable for anything emotional. Anything! If you search the term online you find its symptoms. I was subscribing to a speed dating event and paying the fee and waiting more than a month for the date to come and wearing my best cloths just to see that absolutely no one from the opposite sex is there! Women were paying in advance to book a sit there, but they were just not showing up! Simple as that. None. No body. Empty sits. I was going to meetups of various topics, talking, flirting, making young women laugh, finally exchnage phone number, just to never hear back. Letting it sink a bit and then message the other person..., just radio silence. Never any reply. Sometimes seeing the same person who ghosted me again in another meeting and asking her like "Hey! Where have you been. I've messaged you". - "Oh! Yeah. Honestly I'm very busy and I never have any chance to reply to any of my messages. Actually all of my friends complain that I never return their messages...". Going to a XYZ event, enjoying the event alone, having a glance at girls whom are there alone too, planning to talk with a few of them after the event. But once the event is over, they all run away as fast as possible with headphones in, so that no body can talk to them. I experienced it always everywhere I went. Dance class, language class, concert, standup comedy, theater, even church service. It happened to me a few times to insist on talking to a women after an event and the result was the other person honestly telling me that the reason she is running away is that she doesn't want to talk to anyone! After a long time research I realized what I'm facing is called "Emotional Unavailability". And I was able to see it everywhere. Men and women more or less never wanted anything involved with emotions. Everyone is seeking just temporary excitement and always every time with No Strings Attached. They enjoy activities like gym, dance, language, or church, but they don't want to be emotionally involved with anyone anywhere anytime. Seems like people just want to be alone. Gender Disparity in Emotional Unavailability So are men and women equally emotionally unavailable? I think there's a gender disparity here. I was seeing almost all men were attending the speed dating event while almost no woman was attending. In some cases that I was organizing a meeting of various topic, number of women who RSVP'ed but never showed up was by average 5 times higher than that of men. In cases when I was asking my acquaintances out, most of the time women were answering by "I check my calendar and I get back to you" which was never happening. I barely received this response of my male friends. It might be that men are more interested in finding friendships and relationships and committing to it than women. How do people have sex then? Let me tell you what I, as a thirty and something years old single man am seeing in this society: There's a lot of one-night-stands going on in a city like Berlin. For women, No Strings Attached Sex is always free (If not even compensated). All they have to do is to approach a man in night club and ask for sex. They never receive a negative response. Naturally though, every such person would prefer to approach the sexiest man they can find. For men though, it's usually comes with a price, unless the man has extraordinary and exceptionally gorgeous and astonishing body and face. The price is not that high, but the man should be willing to sleep with a prostitute. Be it paid in a brothel or for free after a nightclub, for men and women it's the same: Meaningless experience with no emotional strings attached. Nothing. Just living in the moment. Am I the only one who is looking for a relationship? I'm not saying that every young person is promiscuous. There certainly must be people whom are looking to have sex only in a relationship. But the question is how many percents of young people are looking for a relationship? If you search google maps for Dating Coach service, how many results do you find in a city like Berlin? Zero! None! Nothing. Not because no body ever thought of this idea of helping people find a date or just match making. I think because there is no customer for this business at all. I'm getting to the idea that if I'm not the only person in this country who is in his thirties and is single and is looking for a relationship, at least I belong to a minority. I can see people in their forties or fifties and are looking for a partner. But hardly any younger person. (Now whenever I talk about it with my friends they keep insisting on me having a relationship with someone ten or twenty years older than me! I'm tried of describing why I don't want that. I'm just done with that topic). So... what? First of all, corona means death of dating for people who does not receive any benefits from online dating apps (Refer to my other topic). Let's imagine Germany gets back to normal with dance classes and gyms and parties: Any idea how to meet young women who want a relationship is highly appreciated. Anyone with similar situation (are you a man or woman? How old are you?) Please share your experience here. Anyone thinks any of my arguments above is wrong is welcomed to correct me. Because I would be more than happy to find out that the atmosphere around me is not as dark as I am seeing and that there are things that I overlooked and opportunities to find love that I just neglected.
  2.   Most obvious outcome is the birthrate that goes down and suicide rate that goes up. There are more complicated outcomes as well. For example more and more dependant toward government help for old and single people with no children.
  3. In this city most men and women feel like you sir.
  4. Let me clear some things a bit to guide the conversation. The topic is not that OP is being rejected. Rather the topic of this post is that there is almost no way singles who look for a partner can actually find each other in Berlin and online-dating does not work for most people. If you go to any activity, there is no way to know who is single and which of those singles are looking for a relationship. Asking people left and right will label you as harasser or needy! Online dating is out of subject I can create a separate post about it. But I never want to argue with people over that. It is like arguing with fans of a smartphone company or a car company. Each company has its own loyal customers and they jump in the forum and start attacking the OP. It just doesn't work for me (And I believe it doesn't work for anyone). Not everyone feel the problem equally The problem is situation is bad for everyone and worse for some. One of those who have it worst, comes to a forum and complains about it. It is as if there is water shortages in a city. If your apartment is ground floor you won't feel it. Maybe a little less water pressure. But those who are living in higher stories will complain. If I was a 20 years old man from north europe and blond hairs and blue eyes and 2 and half meters tall and from a very wealthy family, they I wouldn't complain either. It's simple. Exceptions always happen And they haven't happened for me yet. One can win the lottery and become rich. Does that mean there is no economic problem in his country? Short time relationships doesn't count If your goal is just a six month fling, or a sex partner for weekends, then you can drop all your moral and physical standards and just settle down for anything. But that is not the topic here.   LAST AND MOST IMPORTANT: Dating is different than hookup A lot of people who say "But I am dating in Berlin and I have no problem with that", don't realize that they actually are not dating. It is easy if your goal is just to have sex. You can easily put these three factors in a table and get laid almost every night: Your age Your attractiveness Your money Now here is a table of different scenarios of successful casual sex encounters that can happen (I am writing about this to ensure you that I know what it is and it is not dating and it is not what I am after and I advice you to not go after either): A 20 years old man but not very attractive and not very rich sleeps with a woman 15 years older than him but attractive. Here age is exchanged with attractiveness. A 40 years old man but very attractive and handsome sleeps with a woman 15 years younger than him but not attractive. Here again age is exchanged with attractiveness but in the opposite direction. A 40 years old man and not attractive sleeps with a woman 15 years younger than him and very attractive. The man pays for the prostitution service after that! Here money is exchanged for age and attractiveness. A 50 years old woman and not attractive sleeps with a man 15 years younger than her and very attractive. The woman pays for the callboy service after that! Here money is exchanged for age and attractiveness in the opposite direction! I don't want to bring more examples. I despise it. I just want to say that all the above examples might claim that they are dating! The fact that they ARE dating means that they are not actually dating. Because if you are successfully dating, you must be in a relationship by now. Dating is not an activity for the rest of your life! You will settle down at some point. Many times I have talked with friends of mine who told me they easily can have ANY woman. And the point is any woman. A friend of mine who has a long experience with casual sex once gave me these two facts: Your personality, religion, mindset, goals, job, education, language, health, etc. does not matter. Just have sex! When you can't have sex with women younger, go for older. As old as you can finally get laid!! Problem is, that is not my goal.
  5. I'm saying dating in Berlin according to statistics I provided is not working for more and more people. More and more people are living alone. Let's assume I'm the worst person in the universe (if that makes you feel good about yourself)! Now let's get back to the discussion about how this situation is happening for everyone in the city. You can forever blame me. But read this article and see that it is not me: Berlin, capital of loneliness   As for me, My best therapy: run away from Sodom! Live somewhere else before you get old.
  6. I think what you wrote sir, is BS! Society doesn't meet at all! Please read my first post carefully. No one wants to meet.
  7. Thank you. Pretty much i agree with all you said.
  8. Yes. A small company. Why?
  9. I wonder if those who judged me here and generously insulted me (desperate, need therapy, etc.) are in a relationship themselves? According to statistics (EuroStats), Berlin is among the cities with least number of people in a relationship. Most people (specially those below 40) live with a cat or dog or a child from a previous relationship. Let's assume all the accusations and personal attacks here against me are correct. So what? Does that mean there is no problem in Berlin and in Germany for relationships? If everyone are happily in a relationship then why are you living alone and trying to "love yourself"?? I'm just brave enough to start a discussion around this.   Here is what I have found: When someone cannot find something (Relationship or Apartment or Job, whatever), he might go to a forum and report the problem. That is natural. Now some people jump to post a comment like "Oh you sound so desperate. That is why you cannot find a girlfriend/partner/soulmate/wife/etc). In simple words, this fallacy can be written as below: If you are reading this post because you feel like me, then an advice from me to you: Once you're done looking for a relationship in Germany, look who the hell has any relationship at all! Almost everyone are alone. People go in groups of girls-only/boys-only to outdoor activities. And an army of dog owners walking everywhere! So what's the solution? I think I know the solution, but it is impossible for a me, as just an average person in the city, to apply this solution. Here is the solution in an imaginary utopia: People must stop loving themselves and give and seek love outside And all the rest depends on this!