Last year I posted a topic How to date without tinder. The idea was that I'm looking for a long time relationship and for some reason (Not being photogenic), online dating apps has never ever worked for me (And still are the same). So I was looking for other ways to find a date. There were several suggestions on that topic. Only a few of them slightly helped me on the way, for which I'm thankful of all people who responded there. General idea was to form a social circle slowly until someone within this circle is a young and single woman and is interested in starting a relationship. In the end, except a few unsuccessful cases, I could almost never find a date. Building such a social circle in Germany could take years if not decades. But then the corona lockdown came and it was officially a gameover to any effort to find a date out of online services. Whoever is doing ok with apps like tinder, I'm happy for you. It just never works for me. So what I'm writing here is about my experience in the past (Before corona) and asking for some ideas for future when hopefully things get back to normal.
I was looking for a partner for a long time relationship until I hit this wall. It means people who are just unavailable for anything emotional. Anything! If you search the term online you find its symptoms. I was subscribing to a speed dating event and paying the fee and waiting more than a month for the date to come and wearing my best cloths just to see that absolutely no one from the opposite sex is there! Women were paying in advance to book a sit there, but they were just not showing up! Simple as that. None. No body. Empty sits.
I was going to meetups of various topics, talking, flirting, making young women laugh, finally exchnage phone number, just to never hear back. Letting it sink a bit and then message the other person..., just radio silence. Never any reply.
Sometimes seeing the same person who ghosted me again in another meeting and asking her like "Hey! Where have you been. I've messaged you".
- "Oh! Yeah. Honestly I'm very busy and I never have any chance to reply to any of my messages. Actually all of my friends complain that I never return their messages...".
Going to a XYZ event, enjoying the event alone, having a glance at girls whom are there alone too, planning to talk with a few of them after the event. But once the event is over, they all run away as fast as possible with headphones in, so that no body can talk to them. I experienced it always everywhere I went. Dance class, language class, concert, standup comedy, theater, even church service. It happened to me a few times to insist on talking to a women after an event and the result was the other person honestly telling me that the reason she is running away is that she doesn't want to talk to anyone!
After a long time research I realized what I'm facing is called "Emotional Unavailability". And I was able to see it everywhere. Men and women more or less never wanted anything involved with emotions. Everyone is seeking just temporary excitement and always every time with No Strings Attached. They enjoy activities like gym, dance, language, or church, but they don't want to be emotionally involved with anyone anywhere anytime. Seems like people just want to be alone.
Gender Disparity in Emotional Unavailability
So are men and women equally emotionally unavailable? I think there's a gender disparity here. I was seeing almost all men were attending the speed dating event while almost no woman was attending. In some cases that I was organizing a meeting of various topic, number of women who RSVP'ed but never showed up was by average 5 times higher than that of men. In cases when I was asking my acquaintances out, most of the time women were answering by "I check my calendar and I get back to you" which was never happening. I barely received this response of my male friends. It might be that men are more interested in finding friendships and relationships and committing to it than women.
How do people have sex then?
Let me tell you what I, as a thirty and something years old single man am seeing in this society:
There's a lot of one-night-stands going on in a city like Berlin. For women, No Strings Attached Sex is always free (If not even compensated). All they have to do is to approach a man in night club and ask for sex. They never receive a negative response. Naturally though, every such person would prefer to approach the sexiest man they can find. For men though, it's usually comes with a price, unless the man has extraordinary and exceptionally gorgeous and astonishing body and face. The price is not that high, but the man should be willing to sleep with a prostitute. Be it paid in a brothel or for free after a nightclub, for men and women it's the same: Meaningless experience with no emotional strings attached. Nothing. Just living in the moment.
Am I the only one who is looking for a relationship?
I'm not saying that every young person is promiscuous. There certainly must be people whom are looking to have sex only in a relationship. But the question is how many percents of young people are looking for a relationship?
If you search google maps for Dating Coach service, how many results do you find in a city like Berlin?
None! Nothing. Not because no body ever thought of this idea of helping people find a date or just match making. I think because there is no customer for this business at all. I'm getting to the idea that if I'm not the only person in this country who is in his thirties and is single and is looking for a relationship, at least I belong to a minority. I can see people in their forties or fifties and are looking for a partner. But hardly any younger person. (Now whenever I talk about it with my friends they keep insisting on me having a relationship with someone ten or twenty years older than me! I'm tried of describing why I don't want that. I'm just done with that topic).
First of all, corona means death of dating for people who does not receive any benefits from online dating apps (Refer to my other topic). Let's imagine Germany gets back to normal with dance classes and gyms and parties:
Any idea how to meet young women who want a relationship is highly appreciated.
Anyone with similar situation (are you a man or woman? How old are you?) Please share your experience here.
Anyone thinks any of my arguments above is wrong is welcomed to correct me. Because I would be more than happy to find out that the atmosphere around me is not as dark as I am seeing and that there are things that I overlooked and opportunities to find love that I just neglected.