Clive2677

Please excuse if seen before.    

My four year old grandson went to bed at 7:30-ish on Christmas Eve and, about 3 hours later crept downstairs where his parents were tidying up prior to going to bed.    He looked around and exclaimed “Santa has drank his sherry already!”   Bless him.  

I bought a turkey dinner from the supermarket  today for just £1.79, but when I opened the packaging all I saw was a few corn seeds !

My friend, a divorce lawyer, is very straight and honest. He has put up notice on his office wall... . . . . SATISFACTION GUARANTEED OR YOUR HONEY BACK!!  

WARNING - a risque joke.     Texas Sex The Rodeo Position Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favourite sex positions. One said, "think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." "I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it ?" "Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's.' Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds."  

Guy went to the doctor with a swollen knee.  “Doctor, my knee is swollen up, can hardly walk”.   Doctor says “Sit down open your mouth and say ahhhh for me”.    Guy said “ It’s my knee why do you want me to say ahhhh?”   Doctor said “ My dog died last night”.  

A Man walks into a bar with an amphibian on his shoulder. The bartender says “What an interesting pet, what’s his name?”  “Tiny” the man replies. “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?” "Because he’s my newt."