My Canadian experience...
Money: may be donated in memory to the deceased's favorite charity ( obituary would give detail details).
In trend these days: Go fund me sites for familes who need money for the funeral and expenses ($10,000 CAN on average)
Money to family ( like in Germany) for the grave /flowers /upkeep is not at all common: every graveyard I have ever seen has headstones set in a lawn mowed and tended by graveyard staff. Also: gravesites of the deceased are for forever. Where my family is buried, the gravestones are flat to the ground for easy maintenace. (I had a pretty well off bachelor uncle who left his money to the upkeep of the village graveyard. The extended family should be able to quietly rest in tidy surrounding for the next century...).
The custom of visiting the graves is not as common in Canada, in my experience, but tends to also depend on your faith/heritage.
What to do?
If I was far from home, I would appreciate food but even more an offer to have my child looked after /entertained/fed... while the parents spend hours on the telephone/computer with funeral/travel long distance planning,
