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719 Awesome

About Chelski

Profile Information

  • Location Weinheim
  • Nationality British/Irish
  • Hometown Peterborough
  • Gender Male

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5,588 profile views
  1. What made you smile today?

    Really hard week at work. Finished, drove to pick up Mrs Chelski and proceeded to drive home.   Me: "I want beer." Mrs C: "Stop at Edeka. I'll wait in the car."   In my local Edeka I purchased a half crate of Paulaner. Plus a can of Jim Beam & Coke. The check out queues were long but I waited patiently. When my time came, like a good German I put one bottle on the conveyor belt and carried the half crate through. Bottle gets handed to me, and as usual it's the "Half crate? That's 10 isn't it?" convo. I play along and smile politely. I get handed the can of JB&C. And in all honesty, I think this is where the problem started...   Because I turned the can horizontally and pushed it into the two rows of beer bottles. I didn't want to carry two things. Totally forgetting of course that a can is a pressurised container and beer bottle caps have spikes. And a pressurised container will always rise.   Next thing was this fine liquid mist appeared to descend from the ceiling. I was confused and looked up. The check-out lady was confused and looked up. But she was quicker than me and make the fatal mistake of reaching for the can. Which then exploded all over her and her workstation.   I'm a considerate shopper. I know what's right and what's wrong. So my first thought was "gotta get another one!" I then fought myself through this wall of stern-faced Germans behind me (I love wearing a mask because "move motherfucker" said in a German death metal accent actually works) who probably had enough in their trolleys to feed a small African nation for a year, back to the fridge.   And when I turned around to come back, the stern-faced Germans had all closed ranks again. WTF? More German death metal grunts got me through back to the check-out. But this is what made me smile today...   The check-out lady was cleaning her work station but not herself. Loads of paper towel so I helped clean her. Dabbing. But she kept laughing; "Ever had a JB&C shower? I have!"   Top lady.        
  2. Fantasy Premier League 2021/22 (aka FPL)

    IB is over, FPL is back!   GW4 Deadline Sat 11 Sep 12:00   Obviously we still have the fall-out from the IB.   Will the Brazilians be allowed to start?   Will Ronaldo start?   Questions, questions...   Good luck all!
  3. Recognition of divorce

      That's very kind of you Metall but I have no idea where to start.   I just enjoy observing our host nation and thinking WTF? Especially when comparing it to Britain.   That then creates this huge cultural abyss in my head which is a great vacuum to be filled with humour.    Thank you for the compliment.
  4. Recognition of divorce

    Me and Mrs Chelski got married last year. I was divorced in the UK in 2006.   In preparation for the legalites we both took a day of work. She took all the relevant papers and we started at one Amt, then moved to another Amt and maybe another. I don't clearly remember as her instructions to me were: "Don't say a fucking word. Let me do the talking. Just sit there, smile and nod your head. Only speak when spoken to... and PLEASE don't steal any more fucking stempels!" *   Mrs Chelski is very good with Beamters. She adopts this lovely, bubbly, chatty personae. She can melt an Ice Dragon in 2 minutes flat and a male in 30secs simply by sitting up straight and sticking out her tits.  Which is a highlight for any Beamter who's just had people moaning and complaining day after day.   * My mate down the pub says that allegedly this may be a reference to when I first arrived in Germany. Mrs Chelski took me from Amt to Amt (register, social security, DAK etc). At every Amt when they found out I was British they just said "Ausländer Amt! Not here! Ausländer Amt" so we went around in a few circles but eventually got me sorted.   I couldn't speak a word of German and but the one thing I couldn't help notice was the stempels. How archaic! The first point of contact tended to have 3-4 hanging from a wooden stempel carousel. If we were referred to a senior colleague and moved desks into the inner office maybe 6-8. On two occasions we ended up in the Bosses office. Who had 12 or more. I was very bored and on many occasions people had to leave their desks to seek further advice. I like to do card tricks as I do have the sleight of hand.   My mate down the pub says that allegedly the final score that day was Germany 0 - 13 Britain.   I have no idea what he's talking about so couldn't possibly comment.
  5.   Just don't call it "Death by Mushroom".   It kinda gives the ending away...
  6.   This short film is so, so good.   I sent it to one of my school friends (who's now a senior lecturer in media studies at a UK Uni) and he played it to his students.   Loads of positive feedback from the kids.   Thanks for reminding me.    
  7. Fantasy Premier League 2021/22 (aka FPL)

    And so ends GW3 and we head off into a totally irritating IB to break our FPL concentration and focus.   Don't worry boys and girl, there's another totally irritating IB after GW7 as well to piss us off.   Elsewhere, I got a bit creative (still needs to be improved) and here are your scores on the doors...     Stuffington United are on a serious roll (well done Stephanie! ) so I guess we'll all be chasing her for the rest of the season.   See you all in 2 weeks. 
  8. Why are you unhappy today?

      Good call Metall.   And whilst we're on the subject of men's health can I remind all you gentlemen over the age of 50 to have a regular 2-year 'man medical'. It's a totally normal 1-hour procedure that culminates with your doctor strapping on a rubber glove and telling you to brace. I have no problem with this.   Prostrate cancer is a silent killer.   My brother-in-law (3 months older than me) used to boast about how he'd never been to the doctor in 15 years and seemed quite proud of it.   Then he collapsed at home and was rushed to hospital. He was diagnosed with T4 and M1 as the cancer had spread to his liver. He hung on for a year and passed away 4 weeks ago.   Prostrate cancer is a silent killer.   It's only a finger up the bum that can give you 20 years of future life.     
  9. I didn't even understand the first post.   Probably because it's Friday Night in/on many different homes, worlds, and all those kids out on the town trying to make their stars and planets collide.   What was the question again?
  10. It's an interesting topic and but I guess it's how much YOU let it effect your day/evening.   When I first came to Germany I did struggle with the cultural differences. Couldn't understand some of them and got angry.   Now...   Restaurants:   Go to a new restaurant and get shit service/food, don't go back. No biggie.   Go to a new restaurant and get great service/food, go back. Make a note for future visits.   Go to a regular restaurant where they fuck up the service/food for the first time in 20 visits is no big deal; it gets corrected. Chill.   I have walked out of so many (slow) restaurants after placing an order and got hit by a deluge of "You can't do that! You've gotta pay! We're gonna phone the Police" to which I always reply "No". (I've substituted "No" for "Fuck off!" in my restaurant vocabulary as in those situations it's less inflammatory and works better.)   Supermarkets:   Buying six cans of beer where the check-out lady hands them seperately to you to put in your bag. Great.   Buying six cans of beer where the check-out lady hurls them down the check-out and one tab starts to leak, spraying her with beer. Priceless.   I've also walked away from Christmas food shopping as it was getting hurled down so fast. Probably €400. The brilliant thing was that I just thought "No" and walked away and she didn't even notice. And kept hurling it down.   I've learned to adapt to my new culture. Germans will also adapt to you, if you give them half the chance and don't come in all guns blazing.   There's shit service in every country. There's brilliant service in every country.   And Germany is no different.    
  11. Fantasy Premier League 2021/22 (aka FPL)

    Ronaldo back to MUN confirmed.   £??.?m - Ronaldo £12.6m - Salah £12.3m - Kane £12.1m - Bruno £12.0m - KDB £11.9m - Mane £11.5m - Lukaku £11.0m - Sterling £10.5m - Vardy £10.1m - Son   It's not Pokemon and you can't have them all. Maybe 2 or 3.   Now things will get seriously interesting...    
  12.   You don't know until you try.   When I first came to Germany my (future) wife just added me to her bank account as I needed to transfer the funds from my UK house sale. Her/our bank manager had no problems.   A year later I wanted a credit card. Again we went to the bank manager and she said fine.   The twist in the tail?   My wife: Been at the same bank since she was 16. Always worked and paid her taxes. 100% Shufa record. Her credit card limit was €3k.   Me: Been in Germany a year. Never worked or paid taxes. No Shufa record. My credit card came through with a limit of €5k.   Oh how we laughed!
  13. Fantasy Premier League 2021/22 (aka FPL)

      You're doing great so keep it going!   But you're right, as there's so many template teams around, a 10-15 points gain can have a massive effect on OR. I'm still kicking myself that I went Buendia over Benrahma and missed out on +20pts.   Kane staying at TOT and Lukaku finding his feet at CHE will break the template as it's virtually impossible to have more than 2-3 premiums and still have a balanced team.   It's gonna be an interesting season...