HEM

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About HEM

  • Rank
    Pontius the Pilot

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Profile Information

  • Location Schleswig-Holstein
  • Nationality British
  • Hometown Cheshire (Bramhall & Plumley)
  • Gender Male
  • Year of birth
  • Interests Gliding, Volcanoes, Cooking, Music (Vivaldi to Steeleye Span).
  1. Lists of typical German mistakes in English?

      Yes - I had a manager who used to start of his e-mails to a world-wide team in that way (RIP Horst).   What gets me is that so many write "standart" instead of "standard" - as if it has to do with Kunst...
  2. Jokes

    A Priest is driving down the road when he comes across a pig lying dead in the road.   He contacts the Police to inform them of his find. A cocky desk sergeant laughs and says "Did you give it the last rites".   "No" says the Priest "I thought I'd inform his next of kin first".
  3. Jokes

    A young woman started work in the village chemist shop, but she was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.   The Chemist was going on holiday for a couple of days, and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own. She had to confide in him her worries about selling condoms.   "Look" he said "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they either ask for a 310 (small), a 320 (medium), or a 330 (large). The word condom is never mentioned".   The first day was fine, but on the second day a guy came into the shop, put out his hand and said “350" please.   The girl panicked and so she phoned the Chemist on his mobile and told him of her predicament.    "Go back in and check if he has a bucket hanging between his legs" her boss told her.   She peeped through the door, and saw the bucket hanging between the guy's legs. "Yes!” she shouted down the phone "he's got one hanging there!”    The boss replied, "Well, go back in there and give him £3.50 ...he's the window cleaner.”
  4.   Same procedure every year...
  5. Worst jokes ever

    A guy goes into the GP's    "It's really weird Doc, my leg is doing strange things"    "Such as ?"    "Well.. put your ear to my knee"    The Doc does so and hears a tiny voice saying "Please can you spare me a few quid ?"    "Bloody hell, never seen that before" says the doc    "Now my shin" says the patient    Doc does so again and a voice "Mate, I've lost my wallet and need train fare can you help me out?"    "Crikey" says the GP    "Now my ankle.."    Again the GP leans in "Can you lend me £20? I'll give it back payday"    "What do you think?" asks the guy    The GP takes a step back and considers for a moment then gives the diagnosis.    "In my opinion, your leg is broke in 3 places" 
  6.   I suppose the OP is fearing that the landlord might throw him out (or some other form or harrasment) for non-payment of rent.
  7. Scan the letter, black out personal details & post it here.  Otherwise anyone giving opinion / advice is basing it on your possible shaky translation.
  8. What made you laugh today?

       
  9. Jokes

    A wise man speaks to his boy,    "My boy, when you have the understanding to know why a pizza is made round, to be put in a square box and is eaten in triangles, only then are you ready to start being able to understand women".
  10.   Not quite - he can cancel the part of the private insurance that is "Krankentagegeldversicherung" i.e. the insurance that pays out in case of illness once the employer ceases to pay (usually after 90 days).
  11. Brexit: The fallout

      As I recently saw someone say in a discussion on TV:  "What would be the question on the voting slip?"   i.e. "In or Out" or "Her Brexit vs his Brexit?"
  12. Brexit: The fallout

    Too bad...
  13. If you enter Pelletofen into youtube.com a number of videos appear - have you taken a look?  (I haven't).
  14. Jokes

    A London lawyer runs through a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish policeman.   He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from London, and is certain that he has a better education than any copper and he decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the policeman's  expense!!   The copper says 'License and registration, please.'   London Lawyer says, 'What for?'    The policeman replies, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the Stop sign.'   London Lawyer, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'   Policeman, 'You still didn't come to a complete stop. License And registration, please.'   London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'   Policeman, 'The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!'   London Lawyer, 'If you can show me the legal difference between 'slow down' and 'stop', I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'   The policeman replies, 'That sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'   The London lawyer exits his vehicle and copper takes out his baton and starts beating the hell out of the lawyer with it and says, 'Now do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'
  15. Jokes

    Two policemen call the station on their radio.   "Hello... Is this the Sarge**?"   "Yes?"   "We have a case here, Sarge. A woman has shot her husband dead for stepping on the floor she had just mopped."   "Have you arrested the woman?"   "No , not bloody likely. The floor is still wet. ”   ** Sarge is a shortened, informal form of the rank of Sergeant. (for the non-Brits!)