Pleeeze help me

Pleezus Clist, helpa meu pleez.

I'm perfectly happy but one spot of bother,
I walks day and night to get a tan on me todger,
I wrapped it in twine and dunked it in wine,
But it just doesn't get any browner.

So then I dipped it in tea
But that just made me pee
I sprayed it with paint, fumes made me faint
and now it's stuck to me knee

It's Sunday but all the farmers around here are cutting their grass. How do I get them to stop so I can enjoy my peaceful Sunday at home?

Hallo everybody peeps

I am English business man live and work Germany, along with my english business partner, but he no important so no capital, I want biggy bussom Chechen girl for make cunning-linguistics, I have nice golf club, eh eh

I have nice profile, you read yes, you le me no, no?

S. Andrews.

I'm asking this for a friend, really! So if I...err... he... ends up totally by accident getting more than the daily allotment of required calories from ice cream, before dinner time, then should I...err... he go ahead and have dinner, or just pop a vitamin pill? I really need to know what I...err... he should do since it is almost supper time! HELP!!!

Excuse me, I wanted to save a few cents so I signed myself up with a cheap ISP and they've fucked me over: I called them up and was incensed to find out they CHARGE for the phone call and then said the problem was someone else's. I was so egregiously naive as to think good service is available for a pittance. Also Dr. Canard's wonder cure for everything doesn't seem to work. Can I get my money back?

Now, we all know that Germany is famous for it's excelent customer service. infact its spoken about it worldwide, how friendly the customer service attendants are, they always have an solution within a couple of seconds, well you certainly never have to wait more then 5 seconds and everything is fixed.

now i have signed up with xyz and they dont do this famous german customer service that everyone told me about. Why is that? have i signed up with the wrong company? but then there are several companies i've signed up with and who take forever to even answer the phone if you try to call them, they are never ever friendly, and hardly ever have an solution, they just tell you to get lost and call tomorrow again while they are off so their colleagues can tell you the same non solution offering bullocks again.

I am soooooo disappointed! maybe i should just move back to where i came from, after all i just moved here coz of the excelent customer service. but before i give up completely maybe i just made a mistake, maybe someone could tell me where all the nice ppl are in this country, maybe i signed up with an foreign company without realising it and they might have different policies. can anyone pleeeeeeeeaaaaassssseeeee help?

I want to bake a cake, but I don't know how. Halp!

I am thinking about moving from South-South-West Munich to South-West-Munich. It's a big move so obviously I have lots of questions. Has anyone on this forum ever been to South-West Munich? Do people have jobs in South-West Munich? What language do they speak? Do they drink beer? Basically I need to know what its like because it is over 10 mins away by foot so I certainly can't be fucked to go and take a look.

p.s. No sarcky replies or I'll come and punch yer lights out you bunch of loosers.

Hello new best friends. What should I do with my life? I am running from the police and find that Germany might speak to my needs, as I am a strong fan of vitamins in weak doses, bad shoes, and white cheese. I would like to slither and drop from my mucousy pod of malcontent and enter the world of butterflies, and what better place is there for that than the borderless land of forgiveness and beer, Germany?

I feel so close to you all. Please tell me how I can improve. P.S. I have very large breasts but only one nostril. Will this inhibit my ability to learn German, do you think? Thank you all so much for your serious replies.

I went to the Holy Land last week on holidays and bought and brought home a piece of bread which was a leftover from the Last Supper.
The Holy Supper stand had shitloads of other genuine leftovers from the Last Supper but I only bought the bread.
Can any of you TTers tell me if I can freeze it until next Easter. My wife and I would love to be able to eat the real thing
and not any of that old crappy German Easter bread. Thanks and may God be with you all. It's a great world, so it is.

I bought a turkey and wanted to leave it till the weekend to eat.

I asked a mate how long i could leave it in the freezer and he said at least 3 months.

I came downstairs this morning and the bloody thing was dead!

So, what's my problem? A crap freezer or the turkey was ill?

Why Germany not show football on TV? I turn on TV and no picture of people play football? I think they should show football on TV.

I keep seeing an ad for rolfers united on TT & I like a bit of rolfing, how do I join the rolfers club??

Hi, I'm an antisocial neighbour and general all around pest who likes to make other peoples lives unpleasant due to my thoughtlessness. I have heard that there are rules for pretty much everything in Germany, so I was wondering if people could provide me with references so I can get a better idea of how far I can push my luck?

I had a wasps nest on my balcony, it was in a box of clothes that my girlfriend left there all winter. So I used the hoover to suck up the wasp thingies flying around the nest! made a great noise when they got sucked up! BING WHOOSSS! BUZZ..zz.z (dead).
Then I chucked the box with the nest in big massive bin outside my flat! Is it illegal? or do I care?

oh I came home the other day to find a begger rooting in the bin, he found a pair of pants in the bin...BUZZZZ ...STING ..AHHHH!!!

Pleeze, pleeze clever TT folks, I need to know what a word means. Can you tell me what flammkuchen means? My boyfriend said it means the kitchen is on fire. I was just wondering why the Germans would advertise that on a sign outside of their restaurants?

I'm told that there should be a great football game being shown on TV right now. I've gone through all the channels, even did a rescan to make sure I was getting all the channels but I can't find it. The only sports I see is golf highlights on CNN and some soccer game. Can somebody tell me where I can find the football game?

I'm so fed up of all you Toytowners with your rude replies and brusque attitudes. So I need to flounce. But I have never done it before. Please can you tell me the right way to flounce and in which forum I should post it? Should I call you all losers or what it the right way to address you cunts? How many times should I keep coming back and then flounce again? I don't want to get it wrong.

The cleaning lady stared at me a bit funny this morning. I am wondering if this is because:

1. She is German and therefore they are taught this is normal behaviour from an early age.

2. I was stark naked lying on the bed at the time.

3. I was still in bed at 10am on a weekday in contradiction of some local by-law.

Dear me.
I have a paraplegic rabbit that ate my ivory buddha, the one my grandad took back from Afghanistan by accident when they were making "The Man Who Would Be King". One night recently, it shat buddhas lap out. But because it had a summer cold, it sneezted buddhas head out as well. I had a problem. I had Gods arse and his head but no useable digestive tract apart from my own. So I ate buddhas bum and bonce in the hope that divine reconstitution would bless my bowels with hitherto unseen wieder-arsery.

Buddha didn't arrive but I did win €2 on the geegees and that'll cover the stitches and the matches I used to prop up my rictus grin for the relatives.
Also, you're all really bad people. Obviously. How dare you criticise or respond to a gods presence in my colon. It's my tract. Not your attraction. How absolutely bloody dare you. I'm going to delete my account because you all don't fit in with the way I see the world. Which is mostly through the gusset of ETs tights and a signed Ghostbusters tampon.

I want to go from Munich to Rome for a summer break. I don't know the dates yet. I need the cheapest price.
Kthxbye.

I have a strange German illness call "Arsch weit offen". Is this serious and will German herbal tea cure it?

seriously, Im about to go insane, mz kezboard seems to be all jumbled up but onlz here on toztown, zou see, y and z are mixed up and the brackets, question marks etc. etc. works fine in outlook, word etc. just on here it|s f}}}}ing up *those were supposed to be bloodz stars and that star should have been the open bracket( what the hell...

I didn|t feel like starting a thread re this, but if someone feels generous enough to help / pls do, especiallz as zou didnt even wish me a happz birthdaz the other daz. Miserable gits.

Hi, I'm thinking about going to the Zoo tommorrow, so I have a couple of questions that I hope that you good folks here can help me out with.

What S Bahn or U Bahn Station should I get out at?

Is there anything there that is particularly popular, or any animals I should really not miss the opportunity to see?

Thanx in advance for your help.

Hey, you're going to the zoo, the zoo, the zoo, going to the zoo, the zoo, the zoo, can we come too, to the zoo, the zoo... Tomorrow?

Hmmm, now which station do you need... Tierpark?

How much distilled water do I need for my bugle, or should I buy a trumpet?

The bank at the Hauptbahnhof only gave me 50€ for my $100 USD. Why did they rip me off??? Don't they know I need to pay my rent this month??? Do they think I'm just a tourist who doesn't have bills to pay???

Pleeze, pleeze, help you clever and well off than most TT folks. I'm desparate in need of some free stuff. Yeah, that's right, free stuff, like all that crap I see you advertising to sell, just let me come over and take it off your hands and make good use of it. I will cherish it just like I cherish my grandma who smells like mothballs old antique china and put your old crap to good use too.

You should be ashame of yourselves trying to sell all your old crap and then I see someone trying to give the baby pacifer away for free. I've seen some stuff on here you were trying to sell was so used and worn you should have been paying someone to come and take it off your hands. The most ridiculous thing I've ever seen was someone selling an electrical cord for 1 Euro. Yeah, one frigging euro. Just how cheap can you get? Come on TT unass some of your stuff for free. Please, please help me. I have a truck I can come and get it just PM me to let me know you have turned on your generosity. Let me help you out because the more stuff you have, the more it has you.

help looking for electrical cord will collect thanks

Pleeze, pleeze help, baking a cake need white flour. Making sandwiches for the kids school lunch tomorrow need bologna and white bread.

I've lost my wallet. If you find it, PM me please.

Does the ICEtrain go to the North Pole? I want to go see the polar bears before they're extinct. Or does it only go to the South Pole?

I just arrived at a bar in Munich to meet someone but they do not seem to be here. Can somebody tell me where they might be located?

Thanks

My computer doesn't work. What should I do? Is the problem in the hard-disk?

How do I post on this thread?
How often do I post on this thread? What if I post more?

Helps plz xox

While building a new bookcase, the saw hit a knot and jumped out of the cut. It hit my hand and took off part of my finger.
Blood is gushing everywhere and the severed part is on the floor. Should I call the paramedics or do you think I can fix this myself
with some thread and duck tape? Better yet, does anybody know how to reattach severed limbs? Is it really necessary to reattach all
the veins etc. ?

Can anybody find me a job? I have a graduate degree and experience waiting, cleaning and babysitting. Oh, and I'm hot!

Help I’m looking for a hangover cure I’m planning to have one tomorrow any suggestion most appreciated

I am moving to Germany and need to send some stuff. Can anyone help me?

Can anyone tell me where I can get a life, as I was advised to do just that earlier. I have done a search and cannot find any shops in Munich. I would also need to ensure that they speak English. Thanks

Help, I'm a fat, attention-starved and desperately overcompensating person with a jumping, blind hamster. Can I find love in these hallowed environs? Also, I'm hungry and have run out of haggis and celery chublets. Is there a website I can buy this stuff from? Answer quickly before I run a gerbils hand-shaven scrotum over my wrists in a pique of piquiness.

Can I get a handicapped tram pass as a castrato?

i need to get caked on white flour
does air berlin fly to colombia from paris or can i get the ice train

Does anyone know where I can buy PETA approved organic bio free-range mayo?

If you really hate it so much here (unlike myself, who's so well-assimilated that I can spend all my free time on a free english-language computer chat room razzing those who aren't as enlightened as I), why don't you just move back to where you came from?

How does one spell 'inconceivable'?

I don't no.

help me help me i'm so confused- my computer is only letting me answer 8 of the 100 questions on the new required competence test!!! did i fail? will EditorBob ban me?? will i be able to make posts?? should i buy a mac??? all answers are largely appreciated ok great thanxxxx

I am traveling to Germany for 4 days and instead of staying in a Hotel I am thinking in shipping my whole house. I do not care about the operating costs, I am 78 inches tall and hotels beds are too small for me. Any advise?

I'm so glad I found this forum. Today I arrived in Germany to go skiing. Can someone please tell me where I can find the best snow?

Thanks, all your recommendations are greatly appreciated.