Pleeeze help me

I lost my keys while being drunk and my landlord wants me to pay for the replacement of all the keys in the unit, there are 600 apartments in total. Would my Krankenkasse pay for it?

I dropped my rabbit in the bathtub, will his little ears ever wiggle again?

Someone said I had a wrinkly bum, so I tried to iron them out...I think I have 3rd degree burns what can I do!

Pleeeze can anyone help me figure out why the buses and trains are so punctual here in Germany? I always get to the bus and train stop too late to catch them. Is there anything I can do for them to run slower?

Hi there,

I'd appreciate some advice about handling my next door neighbour. Every weekend when I am out on the street washing my three cars he runs out of the house absolutely irate and won't stop shouting at me. It is really starting to get on my nerves (perhaps I should turn the hose on him?). How do I go about politely telling him to mind my own business. Otherwise, the next thing I know he will be telling me when I can make noise in my own home!!!

Could someone help me out with some info on civil partnerships in Germany. I've just met this bloke and we are totally into each other but I know how fickle I can be so I want to nail him down so to speak before he gets the chance to do a runner.

I would search myself, but as I said, time is of the essence.

Thanx in advance

does anybody know where you can buy a bannanna in Germany I've (im very insecure) looked in many shops at the check in but could not see them and I'm too affraid to ask,thank you (I'm a foreigner)

I'd really like to take home some keepsakes for my friends and family. Does anyone know where I could buy souvenirs of Munich and Bavaria. I'm particularly interested in the kind of tat that will be shoved in a box in the attic and never see the light of day again.

Thanks in advance.

I shouldn't continue with my callous attitude to my callus and corn - they hurt like hell. Why should I visit the doctor when there are so many quacks on TT who know better ?

My question is no tongue in cheek; I didn't much care for this thread but now that it's got some star value, I thought people might like to help me with my callus and corn. Who wants to put it in a girly thread when JE's thread's stolen the show ?

Hi, I'm an American and want to live in Munich. How much will it cost me? Can I send my things to an APO to save on shipping, even though I have no military affiliations?

Pleeze, pleeze, pleeze help me. I'm a desperate other woman. I'm madly in love with a married man who has 5 children who's more in love with his wife than me. How can I knock off the wife so I can have him all to myself?

All helpful advice will be fully considered.

Supermarkets do not open on Sundays, I am a busy person and do not have time to do my shopping other day. Why closed on Sundays? I do not get it? Supermarkets owners do not like making money? I arrived yesterday.

Just PM Keydeck your question and he will do the search for you.

Hi i've just joint here and havent ever posted before,but maybe you can help me. i really want to go shopping at topshop here in munich, i've heard rumours that they'll be opening a store here, can anyone confirm this? i really wanna be able to go there and buy totally over priced clothes that will be just worth throwing away after i washed them 5 time. oh please can anyone tell me if there's gonna be a topshop store in munich, i just know i wont be able to survive without a topshop in munich!

Please help me to understand why Anchovies taste like salty dried fish!

Shit I've just finished a bottle of 2.19euro Edeka 1998 Reserva and my head is spinning , what should I do. Also I keep hearing loud firecrackers outside. Do many Turkish people live here?

Hello, my name is Mimi Bimbo. I have a problem with my hubby. I caught him watching tranny porn and we have not had sex for seven years. He told me he accidently rented it out from our local video store. I believe him, don't you?

We have two children, aged three and five. Err okkk... we did not have sex for seven years but of course he is their father. I am debating whether hubby is cheating on me cause yesterday something happened. My hubby wanted to help move some furniture for our neighbour and as I walked to the cellar, I heard "Oh, yeah Grant, oh yeaaaaaaaaaah, don't stop!" I think she was happy that my hubby, Grant, was helping her lift that heavy couch. When I was in the cellar, I found them both liplocked.
He told me he was giving her CPR. I am having second thoughts. Do you guys really think he was giving her CPR?

One time I called his hotel while he was on a overseas business trip and some women answered the phone. He told me I probably accidently called his office number and there were no women with him in his hotel. On top of that my hubby's mother commands him around. Saturday mornings he always visits his mom and goes grocery shopping with her. My hubby said I absolutely suck in bed. And he was not refering to my performance in oral sex. Do you guys think I should take on tantric sex?

My hubby is always working late hours and on the weekends and I keep calling him on his mobile phone and it's always turned off. I think he works really hard and needs to concentrate and this is why he has his mobile turned off. What do you guys think? One time I walked into his office in the evening and his secretary was under his desk. He told me that his secretary was trying to plug in some wire into his computer. Do you guys think he is telling the truth?

p.s. okay, during the seven years I have had sex with the UPS guy once... ok ok...maybe twice, BUT I can assure you Grant is the father...
p.p.s ok, fine, I also tongued the postman multiple times but we did not have sex, so Grant MUST be their father...

why do i get strange looks when i order a cyclist at the bar in berlin??

I received some letters from the GEZ asking me to pay 200 euros for past fees, I've been living in Germany for 10 years and I never paid GEZ fees, why should I pay now? I do not watch any German TV, I watch only DVDs and videos, I do not even speak any German at all!! What should I do? I do not want to pay!!

PS. When does the new Deutschland sucht den Superstar season start?

Can somebody tell me where in Gods name do you buy a bloody stamp in this country, where I come from you could buy one at a post office … any advice? (I’ve been here 17 hours)

Where can I buy a stereotype?

Please find me a job, thanks.

PS. Speak several languages, but why bother when someone else can find work for me.

PPS. In fact, if you find a suitable job, can you do it for me and just have the money transferred to me.

PPPS. Actually, as I'll be in the pub, just meet me there and pay for my drinks.

I moved to the US from Germany and I have a serious problem. I can no longer do anything with my family or get involved in any of the hobbies I used to have because shops here are open 7 days a week and quite late too so now I am now forced to go shopping the whole time.

Please help me, I'm running out of money fast.

Why is my local Rewe open until 10pm, everyone told me the shops in Germany all shut really early, i'm puzzled!

I'm moving from the U.S. to Australia. What items should I take with me?

I have heard that some things are not available there. Should I take a towel?

This question has nothing whatsoever to do with Germany, but you're the cleverest forum people in the world so I thought I'd ask here anyway.

Despite the fact that all curry in Germany is crap, and all curry restaurant service is crap, I would just like to add my own suggestion of going to the "Flaming Benghal Maharaja" this week 'cos everyone else is suggesting somewhere different as well. Actually I have no intention of going to the curry but just wanted to add my tuppence worth and sign the sheet. It will be clear when I do wish to attend as I will make a point of not signing the sheet just to fuck up the reservations, and might actually bring a few friends specially to screw it up a bit more. I shall then complain the next day about the dire service and refuse to ever come again...until next week.

p.s. Please can I sit next to the weirdo that wants to look down my cleavage whilst dribbling a mouthful of samosa.

Please help I’m a hippopotamus on crack cocaine riding a tricycle whilst singing Libiamo ne' lieti, calici from Verdi what should I do?

I'm thinking about organising a weekly get together, say Thursday perhaps, but can't make it myself. What does everyone else think?

Seriously people you are going to have to learn to deal with things a bit better and simply get over it. You can’t expect everything to be just like home when you are living in another country. I am sick of hearing this stupid whining about how crappy things in Germany are . Yes - it is different but some of us have lived here for years quite happily without this drama. Anyway, I don’t really have time to answer your stupid question as Coronation Street is on and the wife says that my bacon sandwich is ready.

*goes of shaking head at the inability of newbies to integrate into German society*

Right then,

Just wanted to announce that I am planning a dinner but it is private. So if you haven't heard from me yet you can presume that you have not been invited. Alles Klar?

Pleeze, pleeze, pleeze clever TT folks, you are always so helpful when I ask even the smartest of dumb questions. I have another one to lay on you.

Can you please explain why all the friggin stores are closed on Sunday? I'm having such a hard time keeping an adequate supply of toilet paper. Can you please help me organize and plan my life better. It's horrible having to use tree leaves to wipe my arse on Sundays.

Also my sister who I live with can use some help organizing her life better too. She's looking for an open laundromat to wash her clothes on Sundays. Does anyone know of any open on Sunday laundromat? It doesn't matter where as we're willing to travel on the train any where to get our laundry done on Sunday as Sunday is the most logical laundry day in our very unorganized lives.

Thanks you TT you are the smartest folks in all of Europe.

please help me oh wise ones
today when i was coming home from work and talking on my phone
some bad young men followed me and called me nasty names , like fucking american and stupid fonzi
i told them that i was american and deserved to be treated better but they just laughed like they
did not care.
do you think next time this happens i should sit them down and explain to them
that i am an american citizen and america is the most powerfull nation in the world?
and why would the call me fonzie i dont wear a leather jacket

I have a pimple on my chin. What's the best remedy for something like this? Some remedies I read on a bathroom wall include smearing it with chocolate sauce, terpentine, bread mold, or emu oil. What would you do? Pleeeze help me . . . I'm having a picture taken of my chin tomorrow!!!

can someone please get this big german stick out of my ass as i am sick of repetedly telling people that they must obey all the laws and pay
all the things that they have to like tv licences and insurance because i do know better than everybody else and it is my duty to tell them
how to behave in this country that they have chosen to live in.
yours sincerly
K. arsehole

Someone told me all TTers are really Tellytubbies. Is that true?

Why are these Germans so intolerant about noise? I was mowing my lawn on Sunday and my neighbour made a fuss about it. How anal can you be?

Also, why do these football fans insist on driving around an honking their horns after their team wins a game? Jeebus, I'm trying to sleep here. Can't they be more considerate?

Vy are zees britisch persons alvays complaining. Venn zey do not like it here, zen zey should leaf.

please people help me because i have been so long away that can no longer remember my national anthem
does this mean i am german now ? because my girlfriend does not know hers either
but then again this is germany over all

Hi, I'm starting to get to grips with the German legal system but I am struggling to find any references to the by-law banning people from wearing deodorant on the S Bahn. Any pointers?

I am selling a car. 10.000 Euro. It is very comfortable.

Can anybody tell me what the deal is with Kindergeld. And before you say anything Keydeck, I did a search and found absolutely nothing on the subject.

By the way, I've been watching this forum for a few days now and I'm thinking that you're all a bunch of twunts who bitch and moan and only offer sarcastic advice. Please prove me wrong and provide me assistance with my question.

Thanks a lot in advance for your response.

Pleeeze help I’m so desperate I want to clean my neighbours car but he will not let me it’s a black BMW 750 I’ve offered to do it in the street on a Sunday in those tight black leather shorts I found in a hotel room once but he just will not budge what should I do …yours helpless

edit --I'm not German

I am feeling far too cheerful today people. I need to find a way to lower my very good mood to more normal levels. Should I either:

1. Listen to the new Coldplay album ?

2. Read the "Married Alive" thread on TT ?

I have a couple of sharp razor blades at the ready in case I find myself listening to Coldplay AND reading that thread at the same time.

My children are already fluent in 7 languages and I would like to add some more. Does the forum think that "Bog Paddy" or "Gorbals Jock" will be easier for them to pick up at this stage? They already have some good understanding of "Northern Monkey" but are struggling with some of the harder words such as "fookingsoftsuthernshite".

I heard about a funny thread where people take the piss out of all the dumb questions asked on TT, but I can't find it. Can anyone post a link?

Can someone please direct me to the nearest exit?

Also, is it compulsory to flounce before I leave?

Help, I've fallen and I can't get up!

My digital camera was stolen yesterday. Is there a software availabe to locate the thief and recover the photos?

I have been reading and learning lots from this forum this week. Gosh I am so glad I found you guys. Anyway, having read some stuff here I asked my mother-in-law to clean my car, and I must say she did a very good job. However when I kissed her goodbye afterwards she stuck her tongue in (but only for a couple of minutes). Is this a tradition across all of Germany or only here in Bavaria?

p.s. She has now agreed to come round and clean the complete house at the weekend. Should I be worried?

Only if she doesn't have her own teeth.