How to deal with a freeloading family member

22-year-old woman, no qualifications from school, has tried many jobs* but ends up either leaving or being sacked, previous problems with drink and drugs, lived at home until thrown out by mother, now living with boyfriend, mother comes round to take home her washing and clean the flat (which she doesn't bother keeping clean), father has helped her to find numerous jobs, ferried her to work if necessary, gives her money when she says she needs it (although he's self-employed and sometimes struggles to pay the bills), receives messages from her, such as ''You're my dad. Why don't you come and take me out of this filthy hole?" She'll usually follow this up by asking how his health has been (he's 64 and has heart problems).

* e.g. hairdresser, car showroom receptionist, secretary for electrical firm, dental receptionist, vet's receptionist, carer in old folk's home

Cut all ties and pretend I'd never met her.

That's a tough one, at some point parents have to let their kids fend for themselves (sometimes they do surprise you when pushed off the deep end) but one has to ask what kind of values and work ethic did they instill in her growing up for her to turn out this way?

She has two older brothers, both of whom have good jobs and who have otherwise turned out well. Her parents have always worked hard themselves.

Depends on what her background is. Round here it is not unusual to see quotes from a 22 year old Schulerin in the local press.

Is she attractive?

You really shouldn't be so hard on yourself.

sounds like a kid that has been spoilt rotten all her life. Time to make her go cold turkey and let her grow up.

Didn't we already have this thread at the weekend?

Hope TBFB and the other one figure it out...

Might be time for some tough love and cut her loose. Parents can only do so much, and they aren't doing her any favours by enabling her to continue this way. What will happen when they're gone? Who will do her laundry and clean up after her at that point? Now's the time for her to learn to be a little more self-sufficient, while the parents are still around and can step in if some true disaster happens.

Agreed with Bipa. All the girl learns right now is that the parents will be there helping her, doing her laundry, cleaning her apartment anyway, so why bother do any of it herself...

Slap the girl for not cleaning up. Slap the mother for cleaning up.
Tell the girl that Peter Pan is a fictional character and yes, you have to grow up some day.
Stop helping her out, stop giving her money, stop answering her phone calls and refuse to let her in if she shows up on your doorstep.
She'll either sink or swim. If she sinks the parents should have taught her to figuratively swim decades ago. Feel sorry for them that they didn't. If she swims feel sorry for the parents for being duped for so long.
Whatever, the parents will suffer most.

Must be nice to be a girl, parents generally dont have a problem telling the son to deal with it on his own.. 22, I wish - I only got til 17 pretty much.

That doesn't necessarily mean anything, she may have been treated differently because she's the baby or because she's a girl. At any rate, no 22 year old should be getting their laundry done for them, there's definitely some enabling going on there. I also say that the financial and chore type help needs to stop, why take care of yourself when you know your parents will do it for you.

hey, as the oldest girl I was given a set of matched luggage for my 17th birthday.

Of course I don't think they expected me to leave the country with it...

Lorelei, It's difficult to advise without knowing your relation to this person. If you feel comfortable sharing, please tell what kind of a friend or relative she is to you, and a little about your history of trying to help and encourage her.

if mother stops doing washing and cleaning surely the girls boyfriend will begin to notice his she is not so hot around the house and either has a word or ends up doing it himself.

She is a distant cousin.

Crikey, I barely even know my distant cousins names.

mine are all distant, in the UK and even in Australia.

I'd rent a celler in Austria.

We have a winner.

Do you have regular contact with this distant cousin? Perhaps formulating your thoughts in a letter might be an idea. It may not change her, but you could at least say what you think needs to be said and plant a seed.

Where i'm from planting a seed in your cousin is frowned upon...

Oh, geeezzz... now I got coffee all over the keyboard and desk here...

what kind of drugs? (serious question)

Ecstasy and prescription medication.

Lots of kids go through an x phase, but perscription habits can be pretty nasty.

I know a lot of people would think this is a daft thing to say but i never regret taking (e) and know i am a better person for it, prescription stuff is pretty shitty tho.

@Lorelei: Shouldn't you be consulting the Drogenberatungstelle?

Do nothing...it's their lives, if they want to screw them up let them. She's been around for 22 years, has two older brothers, a mother, father and a live in boyfriend who have not been able to change her one bit. What do you think you will do?

Some people simply can't be saved from themselves. Forget about her and put you efforts into something and someone better.