Rubbish jokes about the Krauts - Germany

Making fun of our German hosts

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i'll start (this is really rubbish but thought it quite funny due to the irony of it)

german walks into a bar in england. barman asks him what he does. 'i am a comedian' 'really! never met a funny german before. tell us a joke' 'in my country we have a saying, ja. zat ze women are like volkswagens'


Mik Dickinson
Not a joke but you try explaining Mushy Peas to a hermann.Mushy being a slang word for a certain part of the female anatomy
Kurt.. 42, VW fanatic goes into a british brothel...

Has a chat with the madame about his particular fetish... She scratches her head and says "Ah, Julia is always up for a bit of fun".. " she is in room 202."

So Kurt wanders off, taking his bag with him.

Knocks on Julias door and enters..

He tells her about his fetish and she agrees...

So He gets out of his bag a pair of Gloves. On each glove is a Big Spring... Julia, Dubiously puts these on..

He then gets out a pair of Knee pads.. again with springs on...

Julia again obliges..

Kurt asks her to get on all 4s on the floor...

She does this without a problem...

Kurt Gently takes her from behind, "Doggie" fashion...

After 5 minutes Kurt asks Julia to start and make a "Quacking" noise..

Again she obliges...

By now, Kurt is banging away like a good-un!...

20 minutes later its all over... Kurt is happy and Julia is in heaven...

He gets dressed and packs his bag...
Just as he is about to leave, Julia says to him..

"Kurt, That was the best sex I have ever had, Thank you..."

To which Kurt replies...

"thanks darling, No problem, thats what I call my " 4 sprung duck Technique"!
in my country we have a saying, ja.
Must have been a Norwegian.
Not so much a joke but a sketch I saw a long time ago in the UK.

Empty screen..

Sounds of 'boing, boing'...

From the left side of the screen comes a pig with a spring on each foot.

It bounds towards and off the right side of the screen.

Message appears at the bottom of the screen...

'Four sprung pork technic'...
The Soviets and Americans sent rockets to the moon at the same time (this was during the 60s).
The scientists on board rush out, the groups meet, embrace, thump each other on the back and exclaim, "At last, ve can shpeek Djermen agin!"
You want bad? I'll give you bad!

What do you call a pissed off German?

Why do they bury Germans 20 metres under? Because deep down they are really nice.
Malcolm Spudbury
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Ze Gestapo! Open ze door! Ve know you are zere, Miss Frank!
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Zee Gestapo and ve ask zee questions.

I also know some other more dark ones relating from the time when nobody knew anything and it was all the others fault.
"Two Martinis, bitte."
"Nein, I said TWO!"
German jokes:

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in the hospital.

A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drinking problem is destroying his family.

Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.

What do you call a cat with no tail?
A Manx cat.

Why is there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.

Doctor Doctor! I think I've broken my leg!
Yes, I'm afraid it's a terrible break, the chances are you'll never walk again.

An Englishman, an Italian, and a German walk into a bar. The German says to the bartender: "This is an Englishman and Italian with me. I am German."

And a real one:

What did the German kid say when he pushed his brother off a cliff?
"Look, mother, no Hans!"
Funny how Americans actually tell jokes as opposed to whatever that other mess is.
Hermann somehwere in England: "Can I have a bloody steak, please?"
Waiter: : "Would you like some 'fucking potatos' with it?"
The most hilarious German joke and certainly the funniest joke in the world is the one that says:

- Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer?
- Ja! Beiherhund das oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.
I hope no one dies of laughter.
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