Asian girl and a German man, can there be love?

What would happen if an 18-year-old Asian girl declared her love to a 38-year-old German man?

One of my best friends has fallen into this situation and she asked me for my advice but I myself have never experienced this. I really want to help her but I can't. Could anyone help me with this?

Love can happen between anybody.

Next!

The German guy would probably marry her. She'd be happy because she'd be getting out of some SE Asian shithole. He'd be happy because he'd have a young compliant wife.
Fast forward 12 months.
She'd be in Germany feeling lonely, still struggling with the language, twiddling her thumbs all day, expected to cook, clean and provide whatever flavour of sex for her lay-about husband. Meanwhile he'd be wondering why his previously quiet wife had started bitchingto him about wanting to go out, have fun while she is still young, ask him to help around the house... he'd be getting suspicious of her and all his friends and associates that something was going on behind his back... he'd be getting a lot more protective of her and monitoring her computer and phone usage and tracking her movement... A few months later, she's left him and gone back to her family in Asia.

Of course, they could live happily ever after... but I've seen enough cases of middle-aged German guy with Vietnamese, Thai, Chinese, Indonesian young woman to know that 'happy ever after' is a small minority of outcomes in this scenario. Not saying it's not possible, just that it's extremely unlikely.

She (and he) should find a partner of more similar age and outlook.

Precisely what difference does it make that she is Asian? They are both people and if they are happy, fantastic.

Significantly different culture and expectations. But it is mostly the age and what both parties are expecting out of such a relationship.

I had significantly different culture and expectations to my first wife, but our relationship lasted two decades, 99.99% of which was very happy and in love. But I agree, it isn't always easy being in a relationship with somebody who's culture is so incredibly alien to your own.

She is Scottish.

20 year age difference...? Tis a bit oogy. Of course, I've fallen for someone 17 years my senior once so I suppose it's not completely insane. Still, odd. But, if Anna Nicole Smith can shag someone 100 years older than her, I suppose 20 years isn't so big a deal. But there is a huge difference between life experiences for an 18 year old and a 38 year old. Won't be a huge deal when one is 38 and the other is 58, I guess. Hell, what am I talking about, it's still weird. But good luck to you. I hope it works out for you.

What no "long time" jokes? You guys are slacking!

As I countinue to study culture I've come to the conclusion than however different the national cultures of the world are they are never as great as the cultural differences between males and females.

Arianne
Does this guy love her also?
Is this guy wealthy or have a good job?
What sort of person is he? for example quiet stay at home type person or go out with lots of friends.
What sort of person is your friend?

The question to me is even less an issue of culture than age.

A 38 year old interested in an 18 year old... probably booty motivated. Not saying it can't really happen, but an 18 y/o is basically still a child and a 38 y/o is headed for viagra in the not too distant future.

Yeah I agree the question here is not the age difference but the fact she is only 18.

Not if he has an 18 year old girlfriend , one suspects.

And not all relationships are centered around hard dicks and bonking like crazy however must admit that can be a lot of fun.

They're not??

Okay - maybe not your one`s DDBug.

Let me tell you guys all the facts about my best friend's story.

That German guy is her German teacher. And she is now a freshman at university and she studies in the department of German Linguistics & Literature at her university. She met him at Goethe Institut and they worked together during the last 2 courses she had there. She told me that everybody found him unapproachable and boring but she'd discovered that he was, in fact, very sentimental, affectionate, kind-hearted, vulnerable, blah blah blah [I don't remember all]. She has already declared her love to him and he only kept silent. After that, his acting showed that he was quite embarrased every time he talked to her. And at his farewell party, she gave him a postcard which has her email on it. And now, she just ...haiz...keeps wondering and hoping that he will send her an email or sth like that. I don't know how to wake her up because I myself think it won't work but she...

By the way, he teaches German as a foreign language [Deutsch als Fremdsprache]. He had lived alone in a Wohnung [what's it?] in Hamburg before travelling to 25 countries and meeting her here.

I think the question has been answered.

Agreed with DDBug. Looks like this affection is rather one-sided.

Whilst I high 5 the chap for his score, I think that's all it is for him going by the bold text that DDBug has highlighted.

Arianne
My impression from what you have said is that this is a quiet withdrawn studious kind of guy that is in love with your friend but has problems of expressing it. I think your friend may have to take the lead here if this relationship is to progrees. If it is what your friend really wants then I say it can work and you should encourage her.

Oops, I tried to edit my latest entry but I couldn't.

Before she told him that she 'liked' him, she talked like this and I think she sounded like a terrorist than a love-declarer
"I'm gonna say this fast and only once. So you must listen carefully as I won't repeat it. After I finish, do not say anything or tell anyone about his. And please forget all about what I'm telling you today".

Freaky!

Plz, tell me how to WAKE HER UP. She is my dearest friend and I don't want to see her so desperate and pathetic like that.

Quote "The question to me is even less an issue of culture than age"

Sorry guys but age is irrelavent. If the older partner is young at heart and the younger one more mature than usual, it works great. I've met 18 year olds who act like 80 and vice versa. My beautiful wife is 24 years younger than me I was 46 and she was 22 when we met. We`ve been together 18 years and have 2 small children. Happy as can be. True we don't ball as often as we did, but when we do. Praise the lord.

I met that guy once and I felt that he was kinda shy, lonely and vulnerable. My friend, on the other hand, is open, strong-willed and insensitive [But she was much more mature than any other guy in our high school class]. Surprisingly, she was the one in class to communicate with him the most. I think that's the point making her dream so much. How to explain to her anyway?

Some lessons people just have to learn for themselves. Probably nothing you can do or say will make a difference. So why don't you just let it be and hope for the best. She will try to figure this out for herself and hopefully learn whatever lessons come with her decisions and actions. It seems like you're stressing too much over this.

The girl is 18. She is "more mature" than the local boys. Meets a foreign man who seems to be closer to her maturity level. It is very understandable that she has developed a crush / fell in love with him. Great for her, let her enjoy that feeling, help her to see what brought out these feelings, and be happy for her.

BUT, do not confuse those feelings with something that is the basis of a long-term relationship which would require him or her to live in a foreign land / culture.

Big age difference for us Chicago. I came from Australia to live here with my german wife. Foriegn Land/ culture.

Can someone PM me how to apply the "quote " function? when you have time. Thanks

Fastbucks, your post is very interesting to me as my girlfriend is 28 and I am 52. Because of our age difference I have been taking things really slowly however it has been going on nearly two years now and it just gets better and better. She wants two have two children with me and I am seriously concidering this. We discuss things openly and I make jokes like when I die she can have all my money and then take in some young stud with a big dick. She is an incredibly beautiful woman and she makes me very happy to point I worry about nothing bar anything happening to her. She is separated from some German guy and because of legal status here (she is half Italian and half Polish with unmarried parents) she has to pay him untill she gets her devorce and her legal papers. Basically she is being blackmailed, difficult to imagine such things can happen. When she has her divorce I think I will buy her a large ring and propose unexpectedly in some romantic place but this doesn´t seem to be an issue as it seems our future will be together regardless.

An 18 year-old has a crush on her teacher. According to what's been posted the teacher has ignored any of her advances and tends to be uncomfortable when she's around. Unless she goes all mental psycho stalker it's a non-issue. She'll get over it and turn her attentions to someone else. Without knowing the individuals involved the age difference is irrelevant, what's very relevant is the fact that it appears the teacher is not interested in her. As her friend you can't tell her who to fall for but you can certainly point out when something looks like it's going nowhere.

Kay, Thanks for the info re: "Quoting" . I'll try it out

(click the Quote button under the posting(s) you wish to quote, then click Add Reply)

Very happy for you Fastbucks. Agree that there is no inherent problem fatal flaw with multi-cultural or big age gap relationships. Have seen quite a few work out. But none of those (that I've seen) involved an 18 yr old.

I'm sure she will wake up after some time without any help... People need to make their own experiences even though they may not always be good. And most people eventually get over a crush. And then learn from their experience.

Thanks Chicago, and a good point.

Yup, brings scenes like this to mind:

These teacher/student crushes (and they can go both ways) are often very awkward for the target of the crush and, obviously, asymmetrical relationships generally don't have staying power. The young lady will have to figure that out for herself, though.

Maybe if she is told that such a relationship would compromise his employment at that Goethe Institute, she could back off. Just a thought, and I have no idea whether it would or not.

HI Niels

a friend of mine in highschool had a crush on one of our teachers (he was like 50 something, she was 17). maybe she's going through a phase..i dunno. but, you shouldn't discourage her from liking him/other people but it does really sound like he's not into her, or maybe he is thinking, hell she's one of my students. maybe get her out more in the world, bars and such and get her talking to other men, if this guy likes her he'll "email" which i think is a bit weird, why didn't she give him her phone number. but remind her there are other fish in the sea, and ones that are a bit closer to her age.

most of the girls in our Beijing office target the ex-pats. Most of the guys that go there single end up shacking up with a local within a few months. I was just out there training some new staff and one of the women told me that she'd already had dozens of women asking her about her new boss who has only been there 2 weeks.

To be fair, though, if you are living there what else are you going to do? Ex-pat males outnumber the women by about 10 to 1 and most of the women there are with their partners.

Thank you for all your share and suggestion.

I will try to talk to her for the last time and tell her all what you have commented. If this doesn't work, maybe I will listen to you, let her deal with it by herself. This affected me so much as well. She's fallen in love and I've fallen into her mess.

what a nice story.

I have always found it hard to talk someone out of a situation like this.

Your main weapons of logic and reality which are useless against emotion and fantasy.

You guys, I FAILED. She only kept silent and smiled. She looked sad. She didn't say almost any word until the end of our talk. And her last saying was "I got it. I'll try. You've done your work very well." But I know every time she says that, it means that she will turn her back to everyone and enjoy that feeling in her own shell all by herself until she gets through it.

You guys were right. I will leave her alone and let her think about it until she gets it clear.

Nail on the head.


Yes. Don't involve yourself by trying to persuade her to change her mind - it won't work and will probably drive her away from you. If you're a friend then just be prepared to support her when the shit finally hits the fan.

Sigh, this brings back memories to the good old Carolla loveline days, when a question like this would be countered with a quick "Where's Daddy?".

A friend once told me somethng that in this kind of situation tends to be true.

Being a good friend is sometimes more about picking up the pieces than preventing the damage even when you saw the trouble coming.

Exactly. Don´t drive yourself crazy trying to stop her, just wait for her to realize that he is not interested, and be a support for her.

A good friend will bail you out of jail. Only a best friend would be sitting next to you saying "Man... we fucked up big time...".

So, Arianne, you need to have a crack at the prof yourself...or something.

As someone who recently saw the light and put an end to a different but equally untenable situation (and I'm a decade older - what excuse do I have?! ), my advice would be to try not to make her feel ridiculous or say negative things about him. However well-meant, no amount of reasoning and persuasion really makes a difference when you're in the midst of it - and even when they're finally proven right, it's hard to forget a friend making you feel like that. Don't encourage anything you think is unhealthy and don't hide your opinions if asked, but just try to be supportive whatever happens. She'll thank you for it.

You didn't fail; you cared enough to get some feedback. That's a true friend.
From this point forward, I would get together and never mention it until she does and then just listen. All you have to say is that you didn't want her to get hurt and stop there. She'll truly believe you are a friend and hopefully, she'll come to her senses soon enough.

Thats Nice,did they meet on Holiday...?