The middle-aged man and woman who were standing outside smiling at me benevolently whilst clutching their leaflets could only have had one purpose in mind. To save my soul and serve it up to God in heaven on a silver platter.
"Guten morgen. Mögen wir mit Ihnen für einige Minuten sprechen?", chirped the woman.
Through a mouth that felt like someone had taken a dump in it I replied, "Eh, sorry I don't speak German."
This is usually a good way to get rid of people to whom you?d rather not speak. But not this time.
The man piped up immediately, "Oh, you speak English. May we talk to you for a few minutes".
Taken aback I wasn't able to come up with a decent retort so settled for, "Em, not really, I was in bed. What do you want?".
On reflection asking a question was probably not the best approach to adopt.
Seeing his opening he went for it full throttle, "We're here to talk to you about Jesus".
"Em no thanks. It's very early for me and probably for Jesus too". Clearly my wit hadn't kicked into overdrive just yet.
Unphased he decided to go with a sympathy line, "Are you tired? You look tired. Were you working late last night?"
But enough is enough so I had to put a stop to it, "No, listen, you have a leaflet there. I'll take it and read it but I'm going back to bed now"
"Sure, but first can I just?"
"No! Goodbye"
Why do these people do it? I can understand that if you want to catch people at home then early on a Saturday morning is probably the best time. But at least bring coffee! To any Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints followers, Jehovah's Witnesses, Born Again Christians or other assorted bible bashers out there, here is what you should do. Arrive at my apartment at about 10:30am with a flask of hot coffee and a packet of Marlboro Lights. I have my own lighter so you don?t need to worry about that. Unless I happen to be in flagrante with the Brazilian women?s beach volleyball team at the time, I?ll come and listen to what you have to say. Give me a cup of coffee and a cigarette and stand there very quietly for about 5 to 10 minutes so that I can mentally adjust to standing up, daylight and communicating with other human beings. This business of just showing up at my door early in the morning grinning smugly and armed with a bunch of leaflets just isn't going to work. It?s a marketing disaster. Know your audience and adapt accordingly.
It's not just the early morning visitors that I have to deal with. I am also a very popular target for random assaults from the Hari-Krishna brigade. They seem to be able to spot me from a couple of hundred meters away. I reckon these guys have a highly evolved radar system, which is probably channeled via that little tuft of hair that they wear and amplified by the peach coloured stripes painted on their noses. 500 people between us and they will come directly towards me ignoring everybody else in their path. Am I giving off some kind of vibe that says either ?I need saving!? or ?Sucker here!?
One of my favourites, or least favourites depending on my mood, are the young guys who you will see in every country in the world. Let me paint you a picture that I think you?ll recognise. Dark trousers, white short-sleeved shirt (with nametag attached and a couple of pens in the pocket), clean-shaven & neat of hair. They normally travel in pairs and will be carrying a backpack, which presumably is packed with leaflets explaining how you can lead a good life and ensure that your soul gets a first class ticket to paradise once you shuffle off this mortal coil. Usually these guys are Americans called Brad and are on a 2 year or so jaunt around the world trying to convert as many hapless souls as possible. Sorry but blokes wandering around in uniform trying to sway people to their way of living and thinking is a bit much for me.
Someday they'll all get theirs, the bastards!!!
End Of Rant!
