Tip of the day

Tip of the day:

If your 6 year old announces he is going to make "Kakao" (hot chocolate), go quickly into the kitchen to make sure he has not poured milk into the electric kettle to heat it.

Oh dear, ha ha!

A supposedly intelligent but clearly not very well domesticated friend at University once tried to make Porridge in an electric kettle. Genious.

First I thought you understood "Kakao" but your son didn't say the "o"

Ok, edited - that is how he pronounced it.

It is also advisable when leaving the garage at OEZ to not try to start your car with the plastic parking token while your car keys are lying on the passenger's seat.

Never trust a puddle that starts half way up a wall.

Along the kettle lines a girl I know's boyfriend and his cousin has come to stay with her for the week. Apparently he is a domesticated disaster she was at school all day so they sat at home and starved, so she got them ragu pasta sauce and noodles for the next day. Apparently he tried to cook the noodles (entire bag of spaghetti noodles) in a inch of water and tried to make the sauce by putting the bottle in boiling water

When smoking, attach a flexible vent hosepipe to your face and run it out of the window - just like the humble tumble dryer. All the non-smokers will love you!

Tip of the day

(From yesterday.)

Oven mitts don't work when wet.

Do not sleep walk and mistake the front door for the bathroom door. It is firstly embarrassing to ring the neighbours door naked at 4 in the morning to get a call to a locksmith. Secondly it is expensive.

The signs they put up next to estuaries saying be careful when parking your car as the carpark floods are there for a reason.

My mother.

Never take a fence down until you know the reason it was put up.

Or your cupboard door *coughs*

I've know that one done. (not by me)

wow I thought it was just me that did that... I feel so much normal now

Do not hit your head repeatedly on a desk. Studies suggest it may cause nosebleed.

Or forget that your Mum redecorated and the top-opening freezer is now where the toilet used to be, the toilet having been moved to a cubby hole at the foot of the stairs. You know who you are.

Do not catch a mouse in a cardboard box, take it outside to let it go, closing the door behind you, in November, without taking the keys with you!

Do not leave your keys at home, then return around 3am, when all the other residents of the house are away on holiday.

Do not get ridiculously drunk and think its a good idea to wear your "dancing shoes" in a ski resort with lots of steep hills and ice.

Do not, I repeat do not take the advice of bogus doctors on the Internet. This can lead to a ridicolous rise in temperature between your legs, a need for copious quantities of cold water to be poured on said region and a boner you could hit nails in to a 2x4 with.
Of course your lady friend may thank me, come to think of it!

NEVER trust anyone who says: "How hard can it be?"

When meeting famous people try and actually look at them like you would a normal person - do not spend the whole meeting looking at the floor whilst repeatedly whispering to yourself 'Ohmigoditsreallyher'...

If you are at a do and Orlando Bloom walks in with his friends to attend the same do - DO NOT get stupidly drunk...walk up to him trying hard to focus and ask him if you've seen him somewhere before because he looks so familiar.

After chopping and preparing chillies, loads of them, do not secretly pick you nose.

This has happened to me too!

Well sort of... I've sometimes seen famous people walking around Munich or London, thinking 'I know that face.. where do I know them from? Work? Capoeira? Toytown?' about to approach them, only to realise that they are in fact celebrities from wherever, and I don't know them.

well be sure - if you do end up doing it and get a little sentence in the Sunday paper referring to you as a sozzled young lady it is fairly embarassing, I could have kicked myself!

Also when on an a piss up in the VIP section of P1 drunkly tell Boris Becker that your mum thinks he's cute and his accent is sexy.

But scratching your balls will provide minutes of entertainment to all those around you.

I hope you're going to give up sleep walking, not sleeping in the nude???

just a question, who did you meet??

Never, under any circumstances crticise your partner's ironing skills. (Unless you really like ironing).

Uma Thurman.

Do not drink if your stomach is empty!!!

used cotton buds make cheap and excellent "Barbells" for hamsters

Do not put a canned sponge pudding with treacle in a saucepan to boil and then sit down to watch a film and forget about it, especailly if you have an artex ceiling.

If there is a fly in your sink make sure the spray can you have is fly spray and not expanding foam...

This can ruin your day.

Explosion? My aunts did that MANY years ago - some recipe required a can of Carnation milk to be heated in a pan of boiling water. The whole kitchen needed redecoration...

also not hair spray. That doesn't kill the fly but does stiffen him up a bit (can no longer fly but can glide...).

At work always refuse the ''Two minute jobs'' or at least be very cautious like get a number that you can charge against.

Never put washing up liquid in a dishwashing machine - you will be knee high in soap suds. Maybe something you can do last when leaving a shared apartment though.

When cooking burned boiled-in-the bag rice, always remember to add water.

Never go shopping for new "everyday" bras and panties with your husband. You will end up coming back with lots of 'not everyday' bras and panties. (wait, is this a bad thing?)

Plan your fly-away holidays around ''friends'' home moving dates.

Get revenge on that landlord by either...

1). Throw watercress seeds over various places, sprinkle water and turn the heating up a little.

2). Lodge fish behind radiator and turn up heat a little.

3). Fish paste can also be used in place of fish.

It is extremely unsexy and even very dangerous for your health to say to a female loved one ''time to unload’’. If these words happen to slip from lips by accident cover your groin area with your hands very quickly.

If someone is stealing your milk (either door step or out of the fridge) replace milk with weak paint mix or mix milk with laxatives.

If you are a barman and one customer comes to you asking if this establishment provides free condoms – request that they come back in five minutes – go to condom dispenser in the washrooms – pierce condom thoroughly with needle many times – return to bar and give to the stupid customer.

Do not forget to put the lid on the pan when you are making popcorn the old fashioned way! get under the table sharpish when it starts popping and do not try to get near the pan to put forgotten lid on.

Agreed, also avoid using the phrase "feel the width, bitch!"

However strong you may think you are never try undo screws with your finger nail. In the majority of cases the nail will split lengthwise up the center of the nail right to the core - I have always found this to be very painful.