Tip of the day

At work when you park in the Frauenparkplatz and someone takes you to task over it just tell them it is your wife’s/girlfriend’s car and you're leaving it there for them. And say the reverse if they catch you on the way out.

I'm playing the lottery this weekend. I never get any numbers right. Increase your chances of winning this weekend and avoid these numbers 2,4,11,34,36,44.

Do not read the 'Bacon' thread when sitting at work and hungry

...and if they do turn up we all know where to send our begging PMs...

If I win the 18 million Euro jackpot. Then I'd swap Euros for fivers. Phone estate agent in Watford. Buy large house. Move. Get in bath and rub myself in bacon. Then go to boozer and slag off Germany with me mates. If you can find me, I'll buy you a lager.

Do not buy your husband/partner a really cheap nose hair trimmer & then expect him to take you to dinner after he has tried it out

To live in Watford and to slag off where anybody else lives is the pit of folly

- Confucious (while drinking at The Dog and Duck, Bourne End 1983)

We mostly only slag off places which are north of Watford.

The winning numbers 1 10 13 25 27 45

So... you could have not done the lottery and ended up richer than you started.

Call it a tip

Well it was a freebie ticket so I haven't really lost anything. But now I'm hooked. My numbers for next Wednesday 3 6 8 46 47 48

Always backup stuff...

Do not pick VDay or any day near it to send your ex new photos of the two of you all happy and glowing on your last holiday together. Especially when you are now blissfully in love with someone else and they... erm... are not. Should you find yourself on the receiving end of this very thoughtful gesture, hit delete.

Always write down or tell someone where you parked the car if you live in a busy city. Otherwise you might struggle to find it and end up having to walk.

Not many people know this, but here's a secret: The active ingredient on Jägermeister is ipecac

Here's a tip for you: When going on the computer whilst drinking, always place a bag full of punctuation marks close to hand. After typing, full stops, commas and exclamation marks can then be added making your offering comprehensible.

Here, have some on me, my computer seems full of them:

...''''''''''''''',,,,,,,,,,,,!!!

While pushing your baggage trolley laden with 96 kg of luggage through the airport terminal, avoid getting into fist fights with irate dog owners by carefully looking forwards for any dog tails laying in your passageway. Also if you have one remember to turn your hearing aid off as if you do happen to run over a dog tail the shreiks will deafen you even more.

When on the plane and visiting the loo for a number 2, especially those long haul ones, line the bowl with paper first. Then when you flush, the suction- thing takes it all away and there are no skid marks left behind.

And it less embarrasing when the blond or brunette sitting next to you, or sexy hostess is next in line.

After chopping chillis not only wash your hands but rub them generously with hand cream. I neglected to do this yesterday, only scrubbing them with soap and warm water and cleaning under my nails, and took a warm shower this morning.
My hands are throbbing.

God I remember last time I made ceviche - after dicing up the jalapenos my cracked fingers felt like they were on fire for several hours... You should really make sure you use hand cream and such before chopping chili peppers, dry cracked hands = lots of pain afterwords.

Also, do not engage in foreplay of any kind after chopping chillis.

EEKK!!!

There are patents for doing just that -- using chilis as a stimulant. All very technical gobbledy-gook, of course, but that's what it boils down to. I guess you just have to watch out for the amount, and for any cuts on the skin...

are you EEKKing cuz foreplay was mentioned or cuz of the chillis comment??

EEEKKK!!! Chilis and foreplay! EEKK!

or ginger root. So I've heard.

A mate of mine, having head that women like to be 'nibbled' in certain sensative area decided to to 'nibble' a certain at time hard to find area of the female sexual area.

Being slightly inexperienced at this king of thing, he nibbled, strange how a 'nibble' to one person can be described as 'chowing down' to another.

It seems the scream woke the whole house up prompting the two guys the girl lived with to come running as they thought she was bing attacked.

TIPP: Learn what nibble means and when unsure, do not.

How to eat a Bratwurst

Eat both ends of the sausage first. The stale dry bread roll will keep the rest of the sausage warm.

I heard a mother telling her child that.

ginger is fine, it's the chillies you have to watch out for... and if you are male, it's not just foreplay you need to be worried about, post-chilly-chop.

I once chopped some chillies then went to chop an onion.

My eyes started streaming and I went to wipe them...

I typically try to chop the onions first since then.

I followed a piece of advice off some cooking program or other last time I chopped chillis and coated the fingers of my left hand (the one holding the chilli) with salad oil before chopping, then washed it off with soap when done. No problems with capsaicin at all.

To make your kitchen sponges totally germ free pop them in the nuke for 1 minute.

However sexy you may think it is, never cook when naked.

When chopping onions, keep some water in your mouth and you won't cry as much... Don't ask me how it works, but it does...

Keeping an open window helps a bit too, but the best thing to do is to peel the onion under running water. Doesn't have to be a lot, just keep a constant drip and the evil onionisms won't spray all around. I've found this also reduces the amount of spray when you subsequently chop.

General guidelines to microwaving sponges

Make sure they are wet when you do this!

For chopping onions, I find it helps a lot to put a piece of bread in your mouth - I guess it soaks up the moisture.

When opening bottles of beer, use a bottle opener or some similar implement available in most dowtown stores - not the other thing!

The mind truly boggles?

My mind is obviously still on earlier posts...

Wear swimming goggles when chopping onions.

Stops your eyes watering and will provide (if you have them) your kids with about 15 mins of fun.

Or if you've got no kids (that includes the hubby) to entertain, scrap the swimming goggles and chew on a piece of gum while chopping onions to avoid tears. Popping the onion into the refridgerator for a good hour or so before chopping helps a bit, as well.

Buy fresh Pre-chopped onions at your local supermarket ... Save all the goggles, tears, and so on.

before going shopping, check price ranges in
www.idealo.de
www.billiger.de
it did always changed my mind regarding when/where to buy something.

If you wear contact lenses, put a drop of chilli sauce in the cleaning solution. It will keep your eyes nice and snug during the long cold winter.

If you wear contact lenses, do not follow blindly the advice of garibaldi. Unless you really want to follow "blindly", that is.

Should you have the opportunity to get naked with someone you like in a tropical country, do ask if she(he or it) has been rubbing tiger balm into any mosquito bites. There are some places tiger balm should not be applied, even indirectly.

Pretend that your house is a brothel by strewing used condoms around the entrance gate and installing a red lightbulb in one of the upstairs bedrooms.

Diet tip: Hoovering all the foodstuffs(pizza, cheesburgers, nachos, chocolate biccies and any or all puddings) from the dining table into your face then drinking 4 litres of Diet Coke is not the way to an elf-like figure. Just pretend to eat it all then drink the Diet Coke.
Oh and using diet pills that fill your gut with some strang kind of celloluse matter don´t work either, 1 pill sucks up 1 gramm of fat, so for a half pounder with cheese you'll be looking at half a truck load of pills here!
Day, nice, have a!

Don't mix cheddar with cheap German cheese when making nachos.
If you do, take it out of the oven sooner rather than later.

Don't ever defrost your freezer with the help of a knife