How to meet people in a small city (e.g. Passau)

i have been living in a small city for the last three years and having problem making friends... my german is still really bad but am going to VHS and it is improving somewhat... the problem is, i just cannot seem to meet people to hang out with. i have moved a lot before coming here but never had problem like this... i am working from home so i dont meet people that way, and at school, there are only housewives who have no interest to get together in the evenings and do something... (i have nothing against "housewives" but it is just that, i am not used to hanging out only with people who must do this and that because of "my husband" and talk only about their babies--they are really nice people though) sometimes i have coffee with them after class and talk about their life as young mothers but they "have to" go home and prepare dinner before husbands get home... yes i am married too (no children) but my husband and i have somewhat more independent relationship... he is often not in town because of work, and even when he is here, he goes out with his friends when he wants to do something i am not interested in... (i used to do the same when we lived in other places, but i do not have friends to go out with yet, even after three years

i tried to make friends with husband´s friends, but, i dont know, i am just not fitting in... (they dont understand my sense of humor )

oh well... how do people meet people in a small city germany? i just dont know, i feel really unwanted here... i miss chatting with strangers wherever, at a post office, supermarket, on a bus or train, or really, wherever... i did that first, with my VERY limited german, but the response was unbelievably discouraging...

is there anyone in a similar situation? is online dating the way to go ?

You are married and want to date?

not necessarily... i guess i just need friends

I know English people in Passau. What age group are you looking for?

I think you should tell your husband you want to move. If you've been there for 3 years and don't like it, and he's never home, anyway, maybe you should at least consider living someplace you'd like a bit better.

or maybe i should ask, how can i learn to find german jokes funny?

Hear, hear.


Well, if you have crap German to begin with, you're unlikely to get the humor in a German joke, even on the off chance there is any.

Here's an idea! According to some posters on this Bavarian restaurant owner bans children under 12 all you need is a couple of babies and your life will be the most AWESOMEIST life EVAH!!!111!!!

Or she could get a dog. I hear miniature schnauzers are nice

Schnauzers are the best things on the planet. FACT!

Welcome to Germany where it can take a lot of time to meet real friends and acquaintances. My best advice after living here for 10 years in a situation where my husband for his job travels most of the year outside of Europe is to become your own best company and find ways to appreciate and cherish your solitude.

Rampant Rabbit?

Was ist eine rampant rabbit, eh?

Do you ever watch Sex in the City?

Who me? Nein.

Marcella, let me ask a few questions and with some answers perhaps we will get back on track with this thread.
- how old
- what interests do you have (eg, nightclubbing, drinking, sports, which ones, hobbies, anything?
- can you work?
- what work could you do, have you done?
- are you in Passua or really stuck out there in a small little village in the middle of nowhere?
- transport - got any?

- anything else that might help us help you

crispybee, are you hitting on marcella?

Ok...well here you go.

Given that she's asked about online dating and the hubbie is away all the time, she sounds like an easy target.

thanks guys for the quick reply... i really appreciate that... i was really expecting harsher replys like "it is happening to you because of the way you are", kind of thing. i started to feel that way some time ago and tried to find fault in what i have done or how i have been... but these days, i just think so many things are just different here and i dont have to blame myself for it... it is up to me to learn to deal with it or leave...

I don't need one of those to fully appreciate my solitude? I have something else that works far better than that .

I would suggest you do away with that negative self-speak and general negativity. It's really counterproductive to your efforts of being open to meeting new people or even enjoying your life here alone.

and so, new question before hooking up with anyone here is, really, is there any publication or website that explains how to understand germans, or better yet bayern humor (in english)? before considering leave seriously (which is a pain), i want to give it another go. really, someone, help me understand these people here to find them funny and charming, and exciting???

Your interpretation of funny, charming and exciting might not match to that of others. Answer some of the questions which were asked and perhaps you might receive some useful help.

Here, to remind you...


Because frankly, "I'm miserable and don't find anyone interesting" isn't really much fucking use to anyone.

thanks lavender rain i was really not like this before coming here and for the first 6 month or so... but when i looked at my situation i just had to look from all directions... i am actully feeling quite posiive these days! but still, i need to find a better way to integrate myself in this place...

Ok, this is my last post tonight as the sandman is knocking at my door. How old are you? What I would suggest is you don't put your focus too much on THEM and focus more on yourself. You have to come to a good understanding about yourself in terms of realistic expectations of living here; how you're going to make an effort to "survive" here; how you are going to spend your free time in a way that is fulfilling; and how do you cope with your feelings of loneliness and isolation in a positive and wholesome way so you can adapt to being here? You should consider doing this first before you begin to try to understand the Germans. It's really just that simple.

Marcella, why ignoring them questions some asked you?

You work from home, your husband is away a lot, why are you living in the arse end of nowhere? Move to somewhere with a bit more life.

keydeck, thanks for your interest in helping me

mid30s, herbivore, non smoker, but drinks some, nightclubbing--moderately but yes, camping out in wilderness, wanted to go gogol bordello concert in münchen (but have to work that night), can work and do work, cv is too long to list here, and am in central town, got transport

That's just too good to ignore, care to elaborate?

allershausen, you are right. just that husband got connection here for work and kind of important for him to have the base here. but yeah, i dont have to be here, that is true...

do you think it makes difference where you live? i once heard a hippy say "the place you are searching is in your heart"...

Nein .

On the one hand, that's true, but on the other hand, a hippy wouldn't be happy in your shoes, either. Hippies need other hippies around to go bouncing into and grooving on things with.

Ok, that wasn't the sandman at the door. Huh? Absolutely it makes a difference where you live! For example, when I first moved to Bavaria, I was in a "village" with a population of about 400 nosey neighbors, some horses, chickens, and cows in a seven bedroom house all by myself for most of the year. There was no infrastructure in the village, couldn't even buy a newspaper or a brotchen. I'm from a city with 10 million people. So after one year, I packed up and moved to a great apartment in the city and my life is infinitely more interesting and I love it here. I now live walking distance from the train station and this has really enhanced my quality of life as well.

Hi Marcella,

i have lived in low bavaria (Niederbayern) for almost half a year before i ve moved to munich.i can agree when is being said that germans or better said bavarians are not very talkative when they meet foreigners.my luck was that I already had some bavarian friends when i arrived in straubing so they ve introduced me to all of their friends. still I felt a certain distance between us. 6 yrs later I can explain that distance as caution not coldness. They are very cautios and need a long time to make friendships. But attention a german/bavarian friend is a longlife friend!
It s already being said that U should think abt what u really want, what are ur needs, what kind of people do u want to meet. When u know that, think abt the possible places where could u meet these people (clubs, initiative groups, charity organisations, church etc). I once read on Expatica.com abt an expat that went to volunteer to different charity events in his town as a *strategy* to meet new people. Socialising and keeping friendships is always hard work, in every country not only in Germany.

Abt the fact that the people don t respond to ur chat at the supermarket, in the bus that is normal for german environment, at least in Niederbayern. their pragmatic germanic nature keep them from talking too much, but don t give up, if u go more times to the same supermarket people will get familiar with u and they will respond,more than that they will ask back questions.

Apologies if Its been mentioned above already (I've not got time to read it)... but..

If you have time and any desire to improve your German skills, then attend a German speaking class. Its a good way to meet other foreigners nearby and better still you improve your German

Good luck

Hey There--

You've given it 3 years, right? That's enough time to know if a place is right for you.( A pity you didn't learn Geman earlier, though.) Sometimes a place isn't the right place at the right time. You may like a place, but it isn't a good fit, or you may even not care for a place too much and still finds it suits your needs. I've lived all over the world, and sometimes you just don't click with a place, or with the people in it, especially if there is a group (your husband's co-workers and friends) that you are just not in tune with. That's just the way it is. Don't beat yourself up over it,It sounds , however,like you want to make a go of this, so I would try to find a more intensive language class, or join a club--ski club, hiking club, quilting group, whatever. If after another year of more intensive attempts to assimilate don't work, then just cut your losses and go. I've know pe.ople who have spent decades in places that have made them miserable. You don't want to do that

I really do understand ur position..! Sometimes, even if some1 has a steady partner, its really depressing just because u r in a strange place with a new language and culture and different attitudes..! Even if some1 has a bf/gf, they dont feel equal (specially when one is a native (German) of that place) because they dont have their own space like they used to have when they were back home and their own set of friends and doing other sundry things..! And the worst part is that, sometimes u want to make new friends by meeting new or strange people, but u cant really do that by urself just because u think that u r doing something wrong and so, u feel guilty for no reason...These kind of things spoil the relationship..! So, talk frankly about what u want (u waited for gud enuf time - 3 yrs) and decide if u wanna move or stay around like a locked-up lunatic or do something different...! :-)

Anyone hear the distant rumble of our old favourite Bella here?

I liked Bella; best entertainment we had in ages. It is all going a bit downhill since she was sidelined.

But that'll only make things worse. If you've already established that these people are "different" (different sense of humour, likes, dislikes etc.) from what you need then being lumped with them for life will surely make matters even more depressing...

Come to Munich and enjoy yourself whilst hubby commutes to Passau when work requires that...

Surely after 3 years if he sees you are unhappy he can't be over the moon himself...

You don't live in Munich, do you?

I think it's just the Passau mentality so don't take it personally. I've been in Passau nearly 7 years and still only have a small circle of friends - it takes time to get to know people here and you just have to accept that is the way it is. There is a women's english Stammtisch but it's mostly made up of stay-at-home wives and maybe not your thing judging from your experiences so far. The Ausländeramt has a booklit with useful contacts and it lists lots of Stammtische and Vereine - try joining one to get to know the locals better

i think that is an oxymoron german jokes = funny.

Sweet Soul Just start calling ur old friends, that what I did in d start when i came here to Penzberg Germany.
I was no where in b/w Bavarians, but got some colleauges in d office and tried to hunt a GF but failed, ny way I used Calling cards for International Calls, they r very cheap 5 Euro and after barganing U can get them for 3.5 Euro for Hbf Munchen

Hi Marcella. Six months later - have you found some contacts yet in Passau? When I married a German and first came to Germany (long time ago), I found that watching some tv programmes actually helped my German much more than lessons. You sort of "absorb" conversational German - maybe osmosis, but perhaps more the way that children do. my husband was a useless teacher, i just sort of picked it up.