Feeling sorry for myself regards the family

My brother and sister and I used to really love Halloween, and when I lived in the US, we used to get together and try to scare ourselves half to death, or watch movies and just be silly together. It's our favorite holiday. Two years ago my sister came here for Halloween (on my dime), and last year I travelled there, but they were very weird and distant the entire time, and though neither of them was working that week, they somehow didn't have much time for me. It was a disappointment. In the time since, I got married, and have not heard from either of them at all. I called them each once after the honeymoon and then stopped initiating contact, just to see what they would do. My brother spent the time on the phone basically insulting me in a jokey way; I know he is rather miserable at the moment, but I didn't cause it! My sister told me about her engagement but since then, for all I know, she's married.

I know from my mother's email this morning that they had a little party at my sister's house, watched movies, dressed up for trick or treaters who came by, and generally had a great time. I'm glad they had fun, but I just feel so totally rotten. My brother's email has always sent my messages to the junk mail box, he's never bothered to fix it, and my sister does not have long distance calling, and whenever they are challenged, these (plus "I work") are the excuses they have for not reaching out to me. They tell me that I am responsible for calling and keeping up the relationship, because I am the one who moved. They just do not see how or why they should also take the reins a bit. I miss them, horrible as they are being to me, and I feel sad so much more than I feel angry, mostly because I suppose that's... it. I have lost my siblings who were so dear to me.

I am sorry to whinge about it here, but I could use any advice from others who have gone through something similar.

Really sad to read the above . Family have a way of getting right to the heart of you and nothing else twists as deep as that kind of perceived rejection. I wish I could say, forget them, its not worth it, move on, but its not that easy when its family. But frankly, they don´t sound like they deserve you!!

Fribble,

Alot of people here know this unfortunate "phenomenon". From my own experience and that of others, I can say that I find it interesting that families in the States don't seem to act this way if you just move to another State but if you leave the US their behaviour can become hurtful and hard to understand.

I honestly believe that jealousy, envy and resentment has alot to do with it. It's hard to imagine that people we love (especially family) can have these emotions but they're only human too. Still, it's strange and it sucks.

First of all, many Americans have an inferiority complex when it comes to European culture. I have heard, "oh, you think you're special because you live there, eh?" when all I was talking about was the great bread in Germany!

I met an American woman one day at the café in Munich and she told me of her experience that mirrors yours and that of others. She married a German and when her family came to the wedding they only complained. She got married in a beautiful castle, had a three day celebration and really took care of her family but all they did was make snide "joking remarks" about Germany and Europeans.

It's envy, pure and simple.

You remember this problem that I have had with my sister? Well the result has been that I found out that it was her husband. This is interesting because I am the one they have been coming to for advice about moving to Europe. They really want to move to Germany and have been taking German lessons for a year. But he can't even get an interview.

Most recently I became unemployed but am having no problem getting interviews. My sister mentioned to me that he was getting really down about it. It makes me wonder...if he's feeling resentful.

I don't want to sound cold, but after family (and sometimes friends) hurt you enough you just have to cut the umbilical cord...for your own sake.
If not, they will continue to hurt you.

The first four years I lived in Germany I had some family who never once asked me what it was like or how I was doing. All they wanted to know was, "when are you getting married?"

It took me a while but I figured out that some female relatives who stay in the same town, get married and have children, resent the single woman who travels and sees the world. So the psychology behind their constant "advice" is really this: "well, you may have a great life but YOUR not married so that's the only thing I think I have on you and I'm going to constantly remind you of it".

And this is from people who claim to love us! I say, "us" because I know so, so many people experiencing the same thing.

The best thing you can do is:

1. Know that your experience is quite typical and you are not alone. It is not you, it's them.

2. Build a circle of friends so tight (in Germany) that they are like your family.

3. Try to deepen the relationship with certain family members that you do have that are more positive and supportive.

4. Tell the rest to sod off

hugs and empathy from Paris

edit: and you never know...in the future things could change. So don't take it too hard. They might just need time to see that you are not going to become a different person who doesn't love them or care about them anymore.

Fribble, I totally empathise as well. Moving to Germany cost me my three best friends, all of whom I'd known since childhood and who now do not contact me in any way. They don't call me or even return my emails. It hurt like hell and still does.

I get a phone call from my mother once a week, during which she asks at least four times when I'm moving back to the States. My younger brother has moved out of my family's house and doesn't call or email me either. The last time I talked to him was several months ago. I saw on his Facebook profile that he's planning on moving in with his girlfriend. I didn't even know he had a girlfriend.

My extended family has an email listserv to which everyone contributes updates on what's going on with them. It's primarily chatter about my cousins' kids (they're all married with at least two children), talk about what's growing in the garden or camping/fishing/hunting trips. All these emails get enthusiastic replies. But when I send stories about the German food I'm learning to cook or a recent trip to France, there's dead silence.

I think everybody who has moved abroad has some variation of these same stories. I can't explain the behaviour of my family or friends, and can't justify your family's reaction either. Just know there are others who have walked in your shoes, and that it's definitely okay to reach out and ask for support from friends and fellow expats.

And it's one of those hurts that is so hard to stomach because you can never really understand, "WHY???" And if you ask they act like nothing has happened.

If it weren't for my close friends that I have (now spread out across Europe) I would have suffered much more. Fribble, I repeat, as an Expat, friends become even more precious and true. Just pick wisely and give them your loyalty and support. I think quite a few of us owe our sanity to friends (on occassion)

Thanks, guys. Your replies help a whole lot. It helps to know others know what I'm going through... it really stinks to feel this way, and I do hope it will change. I'll always hope that they'll "get it" one day. But I won't hold my breath; I'll take your advice and build a new family in my adopted home.

*sigh*

Well, before you resign yourself to having 'lost' your family members forever, I think it's worth it to make another attempt to directly tell your family how you feel. Let them know how their neglect is hurting you and how important it is to you to maintain the relationship, even if you're not as close (literally and figuratively) as you used to be.

I was touched by your blog. I can empathize also.

I think you should send them a letter. You can practically copy and paste the one you posted here with a few changes.

Fribble ,you are definatly not the only one in this sort of situation . After 13 years in Germany , i definatly relate to your story . My parents NEVER pick up the phone to call me though its expected that i should ring at least once a week . One of my brothers gives me the blame for everything that has gone wrong in his life (and a lot has gone wrong ) because i was never there for him during the last 13 years (ignoring the fact that he couldn´t be bothered to come to my wedding). My other brother is fine to an extent , we call regularly , and have a good relationship , BUT he can never understand why sometimes i visit without the wife (cost reasons) and why i dont visit more often(again cost reasons) ignoring the fact that in the time i´ve been here , he has visited the grand total of once , and that was for the above mentioned wedding .

It seems to me to a certain extent , that if you leave the country , you also leave a part of the family attachments behind .

Think is though, people do move on as they get older, its natural really to an extent. I don't have the same relatiomship with my siblings or parents as I did when I was younger and lived at home, but I sort of see that as to be expected as part of growing up. Of course though they should have time for you when you visit or post up entries on the family e-mail list, that sort of ignoring behaviour does seem sad.

Stop the bloody whingeing. Integrate, make new friends and forget those who resent your courage. Fuck them! None of them is worth it.
Remember that the worst way to start a sentence on your deathbed is with the word "if" and they're the ones who will be blubbering the "ifs".

word. this thread is full of girls talking girl stuff

I totally agree with Garibaldi. Have been in your shoes. My parents visited once in three years. "Oh, the flight is too long." Maybe they call once a blue moon. But, the really sad part is that they have little desire to correspond with my son, their only grandchild. So, now, they have decided to be adopted grandparents to whatever child is covienent for them. Meanwhile, my son is sending unanswered emails to them... Yeah, move on. The right friends will always be with you.

Having the same problems with my friends. I know the time difference is hard but still. One said she has international long distance but I never received a card from her. One I do talk to when I am on aim, and we did have a call last month so I could tell her I was getting married. Thankfully she is the one friend who will come to my wedding. The other friend...well we started drifting apart when she found out I was moving.

The emails I do get on myspace are from the people I least expected it from. The people who I want them from I don't hear a word from...It is very sad. The one thing I have at least is that I speak with my grandmother once or more times a week. That is because all she has is my mother and I, and my mother has a tendency to not answer the phone...

As for the Op, you are definitely not alone.

Familial relationships are like any other - give and take. If one side is lacking then there's no point wasting your energy and time. If they don't come to their senses, then it's their loss. Sure it hurts, but life is too short to waste on those who don't appreciate you. Why bang your head against a brick wall?

I do empathise - I have no contact with my parents. But at the end of the day, I have so much more energy to invest in those who are truly worthy of my attention.

Fribble, I empathise. I had a similar experience with my family, in fact my (twin!) brother and a couple of my nieces with whom I'd been particularly close cut me out of their lives altogether when it became clear that I was never going to return to the "family fold". They took it as some kind of rejection, I guess, and it's taken a long time for me to understand how bitter they were, and still are, about it. I don't understand it, but what can you do? You can't live your life based on the expectations of others. If you did, these are people who would be making choices for you that are in their own best interests, not yours.

However, I am sad for you, I know how painful it is. I think it's a common experience for people who strike out in the world. All I can advise is that you continue to make the occasional effort to stay in contact, without expecting it to be returned. It may not change the situation, but you'll be doing the right thing, and it might keep the door open a bit if they soften up a bit in the future.

I think pretty much every expat will recognise this thread and hear the tolling of the bell in the distance.

It's just one of the things you have to deal with from having broken the regular mould of growing up in your hometown and marrying the girl/boy next door.

Freedom is one thing but there is a price to pay, only the individual can decide if it's one worth paying.

Nicely said.

I have had some of the same kind of experiences as Fribble, Saint, georgiagirl, and others here, although my own family was pretty good about everything. They didn't really like to hear stories about how things are different in Germany, and about some of the trips we took, which were mostly downright ordinary by German standards but hopelessly exotic by American ones. But overall, they were ok on my side.

I've mentioned my husband's side on other threads: they came to visit once, early on, and then not again. They couldn't be bothered to rearrange any plans or take a day off work to see us when we visited them, even though it was saving them a trip to Europe for us to see them in Iowa, which we had no interest in visiting other than to see them. I used to think it was the physical distance that was prohibitive, but it's really more than that. They can't be bothered to visit us in Minnesota, either, which by American standards is practically right next door. But we're sure as hell not moving to Iowa anytime soon.

One thing I forgot while I was in Germany, is how frickin' "busy" everyone in America is, or claims to be. It's the standard excuse for neglect of all kinds. There's some truth to it, of course: everybody works more hours here. But it's a pity when people blow off their personal and family relationships and expect you to understand, because they're "busy."

Sorry, but that's a pile of poo. You should all contact eachother. Afterall, they should be missing you too!

Very difficult to keep up relationships because everyone is experiencing diifferent things and when you trell them about your experiences they might think you're showing off or whatever and can't 'compete'.

i think everyone who moves away - even just to another city in your own country - has similar experiences.

Here's another who has all but lost touch with her family since moving away. I went home in August and one of my brothers never made any effort to see us. We made arrangements to go out for a meal, he never turned up. Apparently he needed to rehang a door for his mother-in-law at that exact time. This message was relayed through my other brother.

It's just not worth the stress and upset to me anymore. My family are the ones who live under the same roof as me now.

I'm sorry to see how your family has hurt you.

It's Dave who has hit the nail on the head. For centuries, all around the world, folk never moved from their village, married a local and "looked after" their parents. This is the modern world. We all move. My sister and I talk once a month and see each other 3 times a year. We are only 50 miles apart but have our own lives. Boxing Day is the one day of the year that we absolutely have to see each other. I love her dearly, and she me, but we both recognise that life goes on. Some of you should do the same. You are expecting the Prodigal Son routine when you go back or call, and the reality is that your families' lives are continuing in your absence. If they were to miss you on a daily basis, there would be a sense of loss, and you wouldn't want that. So don't be surprised when they don't exactly perform cartwheels when you call or visit. Some people have strange ways of expressing their feelings; my dad used to resort to heavy sarcasm, such that each visit ended in a blazing row. It was only when he died that I realised that it was his rather inept way of chastising me because he really wanted to see me and my family more often.