My flatmate behaves like a stranger

Well I am sharing my apartment with a German girl, she is 21(if this explains anything) we are very good friend often doing thing together, her parents often visit her and every time we do a lot of stuff together. Few days’ back my mother visited me and during her visit my flat mate of mine started behaving really like strangers. She would not come out of her room, would not speak to us, even when my mom and me invited her for dinner, she made excuses.

And now when my mom has left she is normal, but i cant understand this behavior.. There wasn’t anything that I can say went wrong during my mom stay with us?? Can any one help me explain, is this normal???

She felt uncomfortable with your mum around and/or was giving the two of you the space she felt you wanted. It's not a big deal.

Instead of trying to figure out why she behaves like this, wouldn't it be a lot easier to simply ask her about her behavior in a nonconfrontational way?

Acer your live in girlfriend obviously has lesbian feelings for you and feels a bit uncomfortable about this in front of your mother – this is normal. You must confront her about this and not let her closet these feelings away. I guarantee that this girl is a lesbo.

she's definetly just giving you space or just shy or something, as Small Town Boy says, no big deal.

Also you say your Mum, but her parents. maybe she just thought "3 is a crowd" if it is just your Mum visiting.

I wouldnt ask her about it cos if that is right she will just feel more uncomfortable next time you Mum visits.

I am not sure if my story will help you in any way but here it is:
I had once planned to have lunch with a German friend and we had arranged this over the phone but had decided to confirm via email. For some reason, my email didn't reach her in time and she thought I wasn't coming but I was there at the reception of her office when she, quite apologetically, expressed that she had planned to have lunch with another colleague. Now, If I were in her place, I would have said, 'Join us' but she didn't and asked if we could meet the following week. I discussed this episode with people I know including this friend who told me that in Swabia , you give 'exclusive time' to a person when you decide to meet and another person joining in is a sort of intrusion, unless previously planned.

well i understand that she might feel like giving us enough time together, but what i dont understand is that would not you even say hello or bye to the visitor.. also we planned the trip of my mom in advance and at that time she was quite excited, but at her arrival, she started behaving in this absurd behavior. and now when she has left, she behaves like nothing has ever happened...

You know, my flatmate behaves the same way. I'd always thought that the kitchen is a social place in a shared flat, but Top-Model views it as off-limits if I'm cooking with a friend. Top-Monkey (the other sub-letter) thinks that the kitchen is a one-at-a-time room, and has b!tched at me for sitting at the table when she wants to cook.


Duh, she said they were sleeping together. Eye for the obvious, batty boy.


Where is this NOT the case? In my book, it's almost ALWAYS incredibly rude to spontaneously add third parties when plans have been made with one person. I chill, if not sever, contact with people who do this to me. If they can't figure out what my time is worth, they're not worth spending it with.

Oh, and - while Top-Monkey views the kitchen as off-limits, she regularly flashes male visitors. Can't figure that one out.

Perhaps...just perhaps roomie digs mama and feels awkward. She does not want to tell you this...

These statements seem to contradict each other.


It's not the case in all cultures.

Where?

Perhaps I missed it. I mean, I'm still trying to figure out what you're rabbiting on about with this Top-Model & Top-Monkey business.

The only thing the original poster needs to do is talk to her flatmate and ask if something was up. It could be any one of a million reasons. A tiny bit of communication, that's all it takes.

I agree, just ask her.
Being german myself I may be in the position to say that this is not necessarily "normal" behaviour. Quite the opposite actually. In my environment it is more likely that someone is too polite to parents rather than less, because it´s always considered a big deal.
(Although I used to have an american flatmate who had enormous difficulties meeting my parents as well...maybe some people just have issues with parental figures??)

Asking is confrontational. Why does everything have to be discussed. Maybe the poster's Mom had a bit of a hum off her. We don't know all the facts.

Did you talk with your Mum about this? Perhaps she has some insight.

Why don´t you just ask her? Or move out? That ain´t normal behaviour anywhere.

Iain

Asking is asking to seek more information and perhaps get clarification in an effort to try to understand the motivation of the behavior, instead of wondering or assuming what the behavior could be about. When you live with someone else open communication is extremely important. As the OP is spending precious time concerned about this behavior, I think it's better to ask her than to ask here as she's the one who has to live with this person we do not.

It also very much makes a difference how you ask. You can ask and at the same time not give her a feeling that she has to defend herself.
I do assume that for some reason she was not comfortable eating dinner or whatever with you and your mom, so it would be up to you to find out why (by asking her). Obviously you can just move out, but eh, I find that a bit of an over-reaction. This does not seem like that big a deal especially when you seem to be getting along great when it's just the two of you. How does she act when you have friends over?

Are you really the person to be giving advice on this one Mariposa?
Have you forgotten your long-winded thread about your "friends"
in the grimy hovel you called home in Barcelona?

Ummm I do not see what is wrong with me giving advice to the person, because clearly I do have some experience living with other people, positive as well as negative, and just recently had (and still have) problems with roommates myself. And I do not see moving out as the only option you have, because when you live with someone else, problems are bound to come up, and it depends on how serious they are whether moving out is the best option. Obviously if the poster enjoys moving and looking for a new place to live a lot, then sure why not. But most people don't, so to me moving out is the last thing I would do (but have to do in my case).

So why should I not give advice in your opinion?

Mariposa, your response was eloquent and the question you are asking is posed in a "nonconfrontational' way .

I don't really think this is all that strange. Someone else's family member is in her space so she just chills in her room. I'd probably do the same thing. Making chitchat with folk you don't know in your own house is not everyone's cup of tea. However, she should at least be pleasant when she pops out for a piece of cheese or something.

surely I am not moving out of this apartment as I really don’t mind this childish behavior, the only thing that concerned me was I cannot understand this sudden change in her attitude without any visible reason and now she is pretending friendly again just one hour after my mom left..

but I guess the best way is to ask her the reason for this...

@maripose.. Yes she does behave quite different (being quite or less involved) in presence of my other friends too, but it was never so weird as this time.

I would also like to point out, for me making chitchat and small talk with people in my house that I do know can sometimes be a stretch for me. Sometimes I too just want to be quiet in my room and really don't want to be bothered.

You said it LR, you said it. Sometimes I just wanna die when I'm at the lady's family gatherings and stuff. 6 hours of eating cake and drinking coffee whilst speaking about guff is pretty tough! I reckon the girl in question here is happy again cos she got her space back. Some people are like that.

And we have a winner!

Did you really need to consult TT to come to this decision yourself? The fact that you were even compelled to initiate this thread with the question you asked about what does her behavior mean is what I find the most interesting about your dilemma.

Have you really never, ever had questions about situations where you benefited from a sounding board that helped you to sort out which aspects you needed to look at and how?

If so, good for your self-sufficiency. Others come to realisations in different ways than you do. TT has an eclectic set of perspectives - a good resource for those who are interested in outside insight. Your approach is one of a myriad presented here, and I'm sure that Acer is grateful for the reminder that "just do it" is a possibility she can add to her toolbox for possible future challenges.

Come on, you're too intelligent to make a bogus argument like that. You don't really expect life-long perfection from anyone who gives advice on anything, do you? I'm not sure what this specific category of flawed argument is called, but Carl Sagan's Baloney Detection Kit will help you avoid others.


That's a side I hadn't considered. There's no way a flatmate could be expected to endure less-than-pleasant time with someone else's visitor. OTOH, I'm polite (if not cuddly) to other people's parents, no matter how I feel. That's an upbringing thing - a lot of people, whatever their nationality, just didn't get the "Susie say hello to Mrs. Lonti" and "James, shake Cousin Alma's hand and ask how her drive was, then you may go outside" practice that Acer apparently did.

So I suppose that the question of spontaneously adding extra parties to a planned appointment is family-specific. In many families, a lunch with set persons really is not at all the same as hanging out with flatmates in a shared kitchen. In my family, meals were open house as long as nothing was planned. (Annoyed the heck out of me when I had dinner duty - and taught me not to prepare food in set portions.) The dinner table had leaves and was readily extendable. When guests were invited, however, dinner was an event for which even small children were expected to wash up, comb their hair, and change into clean clothes. Potato, pot-ah-to?

Yeah, clearly he is expecting this. I always thought the persons who can give good advice are usually the ones who have been in a similar situation before, not the ones who don't know what they're talking about.
And since all of the girls who have lived here before that I know (three of them) have had issues with the landlord, I dare to say that it may not be just me or due to myself that I am having problems here. I never claimed to be perfect or flawless and I am sure I could have dealt better with some of the issues in my situation, but oh well, it is the way it is, I'll put it down as a learning experience.
How that disqualifies me from giving advice is something I absolutely do not understand, though.

acer, talk to your roommate, try to be nice and constructive, use adjectives that do not make her feel bad for her behavior, because you don't know for sure what's behind it. That she also acts differently when your friends are around does show some consistency in her behavior, so maybe she is really just not comfortable when people she does not know are in her (and your) apartment, taking up her (and your) living space, and she is supposed to make friendly chat with them. This can of course be a bit annoying, but I would not find it too weird either. And maybe in a conversation you can figure out how she would be more comfortable with it, or how you could involve her (even) more to at least improve the situation a little.

I think this may have more to do with maturity than self-sufficiency. I'm left to wonder will the next thread started be something mundane like..."I don't feel sleepy, so should I go to bed now"? It's convenient for folks to rely on TT strangers instead of taking the time to think situations through for themselves. I would prefer some folks take the time to give some thought to issues they own and then sound off on TT and ask people to give feedback on their possible problem solving approach.

...and Mariposa will advise because she has been to sleep many times and has had problems with sleep and so on... and is justified in giving advice on sleep... and...

Gosh, start acting your age garibaldi. How very embarrassing...

Why is he picking on you so much? He must really like you .

So much he even blocked me from PMing him when I asked what his issue with me is.
But you may be right... This is probably the online form of pulling someone's ponytail in daycare or first grade.

Garibaldi, you have delighted us enough with your sarcasm you can go ride your tricycle now .

Judging much?

Look, anyone who posts asking whether to go to bed probably has given plenty of thought to dozens of other issues they've "owned" throughout the day. (Do consider keeping this lingo for therapy group or AlAnon or wherever you picked up that term. It further might behoove you to address the issue of why you feel compelled to guage others' maturity. That's some advice for you. Taste good?)

Never had insomnia? I'll bet that TT would be a helpful resource when someone is too tired to think the issue through completely on their own.

Your quest for autonomy is commendable, LR, but interdependence can be a good thing too. Perhaps TT is a good place for people coming from the other direction (unhealthy self-sufficiency) to practice requesting and accepting help. You might even try it some time.