House guest with an uninvited tag-along

I had an 'incident' last week which I keep thinking about. What do you think?

Here is a bit of background:
My friend from school person A met person B over 2 years ago, but broke it off shortly afterwards because B wasn't sure about the relationship. A few weeks ago A sent me an e-mail saying that they met again and things with B are now on again. I wrote back 'congratulations'. Next e-mail A wrote saying things weren't so good again now.
Then 2 days later A wrote an e-mail asking 'can I come and visit you for a week?'. I said 'yes, fine' as A had been to visit before and to me i thought A wants to get away from B.
Then A called last Wed and said 'I found a great flight which will only cost each of us EUR50'. I asked 'why each of you?' and A said he wants to bring B. I thought that was terribly rude and cheeky and said that I don't want this becasue I don't know B and they should sort themselved out first. A wasn't too happy and hasn't been in touch since (neither was I mind you).

I was thinking about this afterwards and felt quite bad for telling someone they can't come if they bring someone else. My partner says I did the right thing forget about it, but somehow I feel a bit bad, although I think I shouldn't feel bad.

Personally, I think that is fairly rude...though it would be what I'd call the typical german thinking to suddenly uninvite when they wanted to bring a 2nd person.

Reminds me of my first visit to Germany. My friend and I came over for christmas/NYE and stayed a few days in Cologne, then he went on to Berlin to meet his fiancee (at the time)...basically the girl I went to prom with was in cologne, the girl he went to prom with was in Berlin...SO...the girl in Berlin certainly had met me around 50 times in HS, when she was an exchange student...but...when I came over to Berlin a few days after my buddy, as we had planned...SUDDENLY...she says "oh, I don't know him well enough for him to stay here, you'll have to get a hotel"(this was NYE 2000...hotel? not an option)...SO, completely unaware of this and heading over to Berlin to visit one of my best friends and his fiancee...I get there (bahnhof zoo) and he's got all his bags...I'm like "ahhh...HUH?"...he said "Bros before hos, if you can't stay there, well, I'm with you". Needless to say, they didn't marry.

We slept at the station and had my friend from Cologne's mom figure out how we'd get back there...

If someone says they're gonna visit me, I almost always expect at least one tag-along...but don't know for sure until the last moment sometimes. If 10 people I vaguely know show up at my door...I have no problem with letting them crash here...maybe it's just a midwestern american thing.

My friend just said in all the e-mails 'can I visit', 'I found a flight' etc.. And usually when it's more people you'd say 'we'. I just didn't like the fact that I was told (not asked) a minute before theyn were wanting to book the flight.

i don't mind people coming to visit but this time it really annoyed me. Them being (typically german) stingy would have stayed the full week. I wouldn't have cared so much if it was the one night and then going up into the Highlands or elsewhere.

Anyway, maybe I'm just becoming a grumpy old woman.

It should be up to me who's coming to my house. Also i had people run over me like this before and I just think I need to be more assertive. And on the one hand I'm glad i said no although I now feel bad about it. had it a few times before that people brought a friend or partner I didn't know and didn't like and then you're stuck with them for a week...

I find it is the right decision or at least I would have told person B that you should have been informed that she/he is not coming alone at the beginng and not afterwards. Anyway if you'Re not happy with it then is your right whos is welcome and whos not.

I think she should have told you all along she wanted to bring a guest, but you also shouldn't have uninvited them both. So I guess you're even.

I din't really uninvite them. I just said I am not happy for my friend to bring someone for a whole week and my friend then said 'I'm not coming at all then'.

Well...

Cynical view: maybe A suspected you might not be happy about B coming along, for whatever reason, and left it until the last minute to tell you in order to force your hand? Anyway, A definitely flounced by the sound of it, without an attempt to understand why you might be peeved.

The question read like a high school algebra text book to me, I got confused with the As and Bs then my brain started to hurt. Couldn’t you use real names, hopefully gender identifiable?

@ Osmacher, I think you did the right thing. I wouldn't be happy with a surprise guest staying a week either...

Wanted it as neutral as possible...don't want anyone to recognise anyone... :-)

That's what I thought as well. And maybe I was more pissed-off at the sneakiness than anything else.

And I don't know if they are a couple again/still or not - I want neither smootching of newly in love people nor them falling out with each other again. I'm neither a hotel nor a marrige councoller.

(think grumpy pld woman strikes again)

You have every right to set your own boundaries. She knew what she was doing by not including him in the equation all along. You would have had two guests, not one, which was beyond what you were willing to accept. Good for you for not giving in.

i agree with silty1.

Thanks for this. I thought I did the right thing but...good lesson for assertiveness as I'm not usually someone who'd say no to people...

This happened to me two summers ago, so I sympathise completely. My neice came for a long planned visit from Canada, very clearly solo, when at the last minute she informed me she was bringing a "friend" she had just met. I told her I was happy to have her but the friend would have to find someplace else to stay. She became very angry and gave me a lot of attitude, and it caused no end of trouble in my family. I even got a call from her father, my favourite brother, telling me off and apparently his wife was furious with me too. In the end, I backed down and let them both stay because it wasn't worth a big family drama. The fellow was nice, and uncomfortable with the situation, so at least he had some manners. But I'm still shocked their behaviour - it really was outrageous.

Clumsy of A not to mention it. But isn't it normal or even good to have a partner along? Meet somebody new? Or was the previous on-off-ness of the relationship a problem? And if so, why does that affect you?

At the end of the day you are not comfortable about your response at the time. Call back and have a good chat and square things up. You'll feel a lot happier for it!

Well, if I were in that situation, it would really depend on how good of a friend A is to me. Of course, you're completely in your right to tell A how uncomfortable you feel about the situation. And after all, it's your house and your rules, so if A has enough sense he/she would understand. And letting you know about B at the last moment, when you would expect they knew about it from the start is a major no-no in my book .

I think the point here is that it's never ok invite a guest along to stay in someone's else's home without first asking the host if it's ok.

he/she should have asked you first - its "manners" and "politeness" and "respect" that he/she has to show because you are hosting him... he cannot bring a tag along without first checking with you.

It sounds like A is pushing your friendship.. this is a good test to see if A is really your friend. If A comes back and apologies and asks nicely "sorry, but could I bring B along?" then it should be ok but to pitch up with someone you not expecting is just plain rude...

Hi Osmachar,

I don't often get the chance to add to threads as I don't know much about Germany yet. But this one I can post to

I can completely understand how you're feeling uncomfortable after that episode but I imagine you'd probably be feeling way more uncomfortable and manipulated if you hadn't spoke up. A week is a long time to put up with someone you had not expected in your home or someone you just don't really want there. And you'd be annoyed with yourself for not saying it earlier. I'd be exactly the same. Sometimes it takes something like this to see someone in a new light. Of course A should have made it clear they were hoping to bring someone, and they should have checked with you that you were comfortable with this. They made the mistake, so why should you suffer.

I can also understand that you might be feeling a little guilty but that will go away. I'm sure A is not feeling guilty about trying to pull the wool over your eyes. But it gets easier to be assertive, after awhile you don't feel guilty at all. So keep at it and well done for standing up for yourself!

turasteanga

I read the title of this thread and it reminded me of visitors we had from the UK last year. They brought headlice! All three of them were literally alive with them. When I suggested that this might be something that needed attention, the answer was - oh yes, we always have them! I must admit, I was pleased when they went home.
Sorry, slightly off topic.

Hearing your responses confirms to me that I did the wright thing. I don't do sneaky.

Also, I think I was so sensitive about this because the same very friend has done something similar before. Some years ago when I said come either the week before or after Easter because I wanted to do something else but then my friend came right bang over Easter because it was more convenient for him.

And I've had another situation with my cousin who brought her new boyfriend along and that was the worst 3 days I've ever had. And I said to myself never again...

Oh my God...headlice are even worse than someone's new on-and-off-lover...Hope they didn't leave them there for you.

SillyOldSlapper wins the bad visitor award!