Infuriating behaviour when women go out

Know the feeling?

Leaving the house.

Man: Get keys, fags/wallet, walks out, gets in car, starts car, waits.

Woman: Shower, change, do make-up, hair, nails, smellies, check kitchen, find fags, look for shopping list, phone mother, find handbag, empty handbag, put stuff back in, do lipstick . . .

Man: Stop engine, sigh, look angrily at open door using wing-mirror, turn stereo on.

Woman: double check bag, find coat, find brollie (32C° outside and rising), check for mobile walk to front door, go through . . .

Man: Start engine.

Woman: Goes back inside because she's forgotten keys, finds tissues for handbag, re-finds shopping list, puts in bag . . .

Man: Swears, stops engine, puts tunes on, blows horn

Woman: Comes back out through front door, closes it, checks handbag, can't find keys to double-lock door, looks wistfully (read stupidly) at man.

Man: Swears louder, exhales deeply, stops engine, winds down window, holds hand outside with car/house keys, waits.

Woman: Tuts at man from front door, gives filthy look, walks sullenly to car window, snatches keys, goes and locks front door, comes back past driver's window WITH keys, keeps hold of them, walks around front of car and gets in passenger seat, leaving door open.

Man: Exlaims "Give me the fecking car keys!"

Woman: Hands car keys over and exclaims "What's got into you, I can go on my own you know!"

Man: Starts car, shuts up, put tunes on, handbrake off.

Woman: Exclaims "Stop the car, I've forgotten [insert any of 2,529 random items)"

Man: Something goes 'pop' behind right ear, sees red, stops car, reverses back on drive, parks, stops engine, gets out, goes to front door, opens it, through house, opens back door, goes to shed, gets shovel, closes shed, goes back through house, into kitchen, gets roll of bin-liners and sponge, goes back through to front door, leaves it ajar . ...

Same at supermarket checkpoints, but even worse at filling stations.
Stop car. get out. Get back in, move car 12 ft so that actually in same area as pump. Stop car. get out. Lock door. Open door and get handbag out. Then put it back. Fiddle with fuel filler cap, for 2.5 mins until it falls off. Dither over which bloody fuel to use, then finally decide. Spend 40 seconds working out which way to put nozzle in, then begin filling, stopping every 15 seconds, until car is full. Put nozzle back. Pick it up from where it has slipped and spilled. Spend 5 'king years trying to put fuel cap back on wrong way, until finally the old,fat hairy bloke in car behind does it for you!
Pay for petrol, but do spend a lifetime finding purse and cards. Eventually, when all life on Earth has died, get in car and spend the rest of eternity adjusting seat, seatbelt ( must be put on and taken off at least 3 times). Do make up, artfully brush hair, get out of car and retrieve handbag from roof of car. get back in. get out and take keys out of fuel filler cap. repeat all sodding bloody cabin movements again, start car. Stall car, re-start and drive off, with the satisfaction that you have given me heartburn and a stroke!
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Maybe some, but definately not all. Rant over?

i read this as "in same are as pimp"

i must admit, i find your rendition of the leaving the house scenario hilarious! i've watched it happen many times.

Wow - bad day?

Yep, men are infuriatingly impatient.

SO true!!!

Oi!! Less of that in the cheap seats please!

why would you go out and start the car before she has even showered?

Because, they are usually dressed, ready to go when you leave house, thus lulled into a false sense of security, you go out, start car. Answered?

Women are always bleating on about being able to 'multitask', but my personal theory is that this ability has only evolved due to their complete refusal to make their bloody minds up about anything.

They can’t decide on one thing to do, so lets do five instead.

Badly.

spot on boomtown rat!
surprised he didn't go out to leave while she's still asleep.

i have to give points to you sea-king. the indecisive factor so just do it all definately is me!
i can multitask though
now, for example, i'm on TT AND working! damn i'm good (joking)

Don't you hate it when you know you have 10 minutes before you absolutely have to leave the house and some man is sitting there just tapping his feet and whistling while you are running around trying to get everything done before you leave?

Oh man. Apparently, when picking your wife up from work (which is a 45 minute round trip), if you say "I will be there in 5-10 minutes" you are expected to wait AT LEAST 5-10 past the 10 minute mark because "she thought you meant 15-20"...

She can walk home in future. Bloody women

You should date different kind of woman. Definitely an orphan and not one who wears a purse, isn't fussed about hygiene. Possibly one that has no hair and/or interest in makeup. So yes a motherless, hairy but bald and bare faced person without a purse. Now, they may not have a vagina either but at least you'll be out the door faster and as an added bonus, you wouldn't have to deal with pms.

How to satisfy a woman:

adore, appreciate, beguile, captivate, caress, charm, cherish, coax, commit to, compliment, console, delight, embrace, empathize, enchant, enthral, hug, humour, idolize, indulge, massage, nuzzle, palpitate, pamper, phone, placate, promise, relish, respect, sacrifice for, savour, serenade, spoil, treasure, understand, worship.

How to satisfy a man:

Get naked/ semi naked.

jml- i think a different variety might be a bit more helpful, but then we'd listen to whining about how he has to blow her up and delfate her all the time.

good list, but you're missing a few

well, that's a start


More like, simply suggest getting naked

I forgot, alternatively you should get yourself a van and some mates. That way you can toodle around and entertain yourself until said woman is ready. For my money, I'd get a couple of different mates, with different talents, just in case some shit breaks out and you need to be all macho. Someone with gold teeth would be the bomb. Make sure you throw in someone good with the ladies to be your wingman, in case you want to ditch the woman and go for a night out. Oh and it never hurts to throw in a crazy bastard. I think it would be good if you had a theme song too. Da da da duh, da da duh...has a nice ring to it.

@Crawlie, if you were drunk more often you couldn't pick her up. Do I have to think of bloody everything for you?

ps: are you auditioning for American Idol this year or not you island bastard. Go on, you know you want too.

Thanks, that made me laugh!

I feel your pain.

A brave man indeed to spell out what we all think and moan to each other about.

The voice of reason, as always!

@Bluedave
It´s all about standing up and saying to women, "Spontaneity, you would´t know how to spell it ( far less speak it) without at least 6 weeks of meetings and after missing most of the planned appointments cos your shoes and handbag didn´t match"
And before any women ask, I don´t know what I have planned for next week or whenever, I´ll just (GASP!) play it by ear!

I must be a lucky man. I simply don't get this shit. I thought it's easy.. leave together, non?

my german ex-girlfriend once smashed the glass out of a door in our flat because she was so angry about not being able to pick which of her 3 dirndls to wear at the wiesn...

That's my husband to a T. I used to call and tell him I'd pulled up outside his building and then sit there waiting for 15 minutes. Then I started calling when I was almost there and still waited 10 minutes. Then I started calling shortly after I'd left my work, and I'd still be left waiting. Now I call as soon as I get in the car, and I'm STILL waiting a few minutes when I get there.

Make sure you have some milk to spike with sleeping pills in case you need to take the gold teeth guy on a plane. Gold teeth guys hate planes.

Let´s have some decorum here, this is a women bashing thread, go make your own man bashing thread if you don´t like it!
OK?

For the getting ready issue there is a simple solution:
Why would a man start getting ready at the same time as the woman, if he knows she will take 45 mins and he only 10? You simply stat getting ready 35 minutes after the woman has started getting ready and can play on your PS1/2/3/Wii/XBox or watch TV, drink beer, fart, or whatever you want for 35 minutes.
But then, that would be too simple and mean you have nothing to bitch about, right?

not all women take that long to get ready, some of us are low maintence and still look good and are organized.

I know alot of guys who take longer to get ready than me, they are unorganized, and will sit watching TV or some stupid football game, and you are trying to get them to head for the door to get out... then you miss the bus/ubahn because of the guy.

Actually, I just hate unorganized people that have no respect for other peoples time.

Yeah Carm, unless I take a shower right before going out I only take about 20-25 mins for everything. With a shower it is usually 45 minutes though, but I'd plan accordingly. Why anyone would call their mom before going out I don't know though.

um nope I tried that one. You get ready and have everything done. After she says get ready then you sit down and wait after ten minutes or so you ask her what she's doing and she replies well I'm waiting on you! You point out that you are just as ready to go as you where ten minutes ago, oh well then I'll start getting ready to go.

they needed mommies permission to go out.

or advice on which dirndel to wear to the wies'n..

That´s Dirndl!
Just me being girly again!

My Dad actually has to trick my Mum into believing whatever they're going to starts earlier than it really does if he wants to be on time. Madness.

wow, i grew up with that one- everyone sitting around and my mom asks what we're doing and why aren't we ready. uhh... we are... you've been the one running around without a head for the past 20min!


we've tried that. it sometimes works...
i fear though that the never being on time gene can be in herited. I'm gradually being less and less on time... not because i take an hour to get ready (try 30sec) i am just rude and late i am attempting to combat it though...

There's more than one type of impunctual person though. I often try to fit too much in to the time I have and cut it fine because I'm busy and don't like waiting around. My mother, on the other hand, has a totally unrealistic concept of time in the first place. She's absolutely incapable of making a realistic assessment of how long something might take. So things normal people allow half an hour for, she vaguely reckons she can accomplish in ten minutes - and is pathologically late as a result. Incredibly stressful, particularly if you're trying to catch a train or plane!

Could I please have the Thread Police in here this is starting to look like a discussion about Moms I want and demand banter! NOW!

My mother is always three hours early for everything. Really annoying that is.

Why, oh why is there no " Clapping my hands to head and wishing they would all go away Smiley "

Ok, back to the original post - I have on a couple of occasions had enough time in the car, to run an extension cord out, vacuum the bugger, install a full electrical set-up with computer and printer (we had a van), a cooler with drinks and get some serious work done. This upsets the home balance significantly, wife has now hidden the extension cords...

You might want to try the following approach.

Woman sitting on couch, watching her favorite TV show. Planning to leave after the show is over.

-> Sit down on the couch, ask: "are you ready darling?" in a friendly voice. At the same time start
cramming you gullet with the chocolates she's been eating. Make a remark about the delicious
chocolates.

The couch is no longer a pleasant place to stay, she gets up and heads for the bathroom.

-> Slip into the bathroom before her, tell her it'll only take a minute. Unleash the dreadful power of
Mexican beans. When leaving the bathroom tell her to better not go in there.

The bathroom in no longer a pleasant place either, she goes the the bedroom wardrobe trying to
figure out what to wear.

-> Get in front of her, pick some clothes from the wardrobe that you know she doesn't like for going
out and suggest that she wear these 'cause they'd look great. While doing so, say something like:
"see honey, ain't i a modern husband/bf, I'm even interested in fashion!"

The bedroom is no longer a pleasant place to be, after dressing quickly she goes to the cabinet with
her shoes in the corridor.

-> Repeat previous procedure.

It's either drive her crazy or be driven crazy by her. It's up to you which side you're on

or do almost anything for that matter...


Yes it curious - at some stage in life there is a switch over. My grandmother & then my mother were just like that. Sat on their suitcase hours before departure glowering at you just daring you to be the cause of missing their train/flight whatever.

My Ma's flight was announced 25 minutes early on Wednesday - threw over all Scogs' plans for a leisurely shower and shave. We ended up waiting 35 minutes at the airport after all. Was this my Ma's fault, and can it stay on the hi-jacked part of the thread?

I have always been that way!

Thats just like a week or so ago when our son was flying home from Salzburg with his school group - he phoned saying flight was delayed 25 minutes. Luckily we checked in videotext which showed it on time and it was.

I tried the alcohol approach but apparently there are some rules over here about alcohol at the workplace. Bloody Americans.

I was considering auditioning for American Idol until I realized it was not a contest about lazing around the house all day, stuffing your face full of fast food, watching TV and watching your arse grow to the size of a small country. Gutted I was, gutted.