Dealing with fidelity lies in a relationship

So here is the scenario:

At some time in the past a married couples relationship hits a bumpy phase. Stress, money issues, work, kids, etc. etc. everything seems to come at once. During this period the couple argue and bicker more than before, distance between them grows. The husband is not majorly concerned because he sees light at the end of the tunnel and believes they can weather the storm. The wife on the other side finds herself, after a chance meeting, drawn back to an old school friend (friends from age 14) who she worshipped from afar but never had a relationship with. They had stayed close friends ever since but they had never had a physical relationship. Anyway, the husband begins to suspect something and eventually confronts the wife. He knows about the special place this person has in his wifes life because she had expressed it at various times during the husband and wifes 10 year relationship. The the husband is particularly concerned to discover what has happend and the feelings that have developed because of the stress the husband and wife had recently found themselves having to face. Husband gets paranoid and afraid about what exactly might happen or did happen. Wife and husband discuss the matter and husband can only choose to believe the wifes side of the story.

Over the following months the topic comes to the surface every now and then and the husband is never 100% convinced the situation is closed. Paranoia remains and he checks up on some facts for re-assurance. Turns out that the wife has not been 100% truthful about everything. The arguement being that but trying to hide the full story she thinks it will cause the husband less pain. No evidence of physical infidelity but the mistruths about the level of contact and the ongoing relationship just fuels the paranoia and jealousy.

Wife then goes away for the weekend to the same city the "special friend" lives to attend a party of old school friends. Prior to the trip other half truths are told to the husband but he knows that the wife plans to meet the friend for dinner (friend does have a girlfriend who he lives with) but will go to the party with other friends. What actually happens, according to wife is that the other friends dont go due to problems with the baysitter at the last moment, so the wife goes to the party with the special friend after having dinner and the girlfriend says she would prefer to stay at home.

Husband speaks to wife who tells the story about how the plans change at the last minute. Alarm bells ring because is this actually another 100% truth, half truth or no truth at all ??

Question:
When couples have to face these kind of situations, when perceived threats to the relationship have come to pass, should each party only ever tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth or, would you also try the "half truth" approach on the assumption that you are trying to spare your partner any further concern because as you try to tell them, "There is nothing to worry about, he is just an old friend".

If I understand this correctly, the wife has been lying, has been caught lying, and is now surprised that the husband no longer trusts his wife who is a demonstrable liar?

Perhaps she was trying to protect his feelings because there is nothing to worry about. Sounds like the lying didnt help though.

I think : Husband can not win by pushing her to confess. Either he should tell her to choose him or the friend, or if he can not dare to do that, he should suck it up.

I don't know what he needs to "suck up". In my experience, when a marriage is in trouble, there is no such thing as sudden "special friends" in "just platonic" situations. When a marriage is in trouble the last thing anyone needs is for one spouse to run off to another city where a "special friend" resides about whom lies have already been told. Unless that spouse wants to purposefully torpedo the marriage.

Just my $0.02

Difficult one as everybody's boundaries are different. Some people do have good relationships with the opposite sex and it's just that, good friendships where the boundaries are known. I did exactly the same in reverse the other day. I'm in a relationship crisis, I went back to England and went out with an old female friend. No problem for anybody.

Having said that I also met up with another female and went through my problems with her. She said soon after she had kids she ended up having an affair with somebody that she'd known since she was a kid. She finally worked it all out and saved her marriage.

We're all different and nobody here is going to be able to second guess what has happened in your case (woops sorry , their case).

Thanks for taking the time to answer this. One thing I thought I should add is that the wife does maintain that nothing physical has ever happened between them and he is just someone very special to her.

Those are good points Pas (especially the last one). But IMO once you've killed the trust then it will take a Herculean effort over a long period of time before it comes back. If ever.

Her husband should be the one that is special to her, my friend.

Agree with Sharpe here. If the woman cares about her marriage and her husband, she shouldn't make him feel any doubt over a fundamental pillar of their (any) relationship: trust.

On the other hand, if the husband is overly sensitive and irrationally even jealous, then maybe she thinks its just easier to gloss over things as to not upset him about something that he might take out of context but is in her mind really nothing serious. But the more he pushes, the more she feels she has to justify why things are ok and glosses over it more. And perhaps by him being so nosey and not letting her have her space he is pushing her away and into being even more secretive.

Just a thought.

Did this couple try marriage counseling? Because, like DDBug explained, there is a circle of increasing mistrust and halftruths/unease. Seeing this from an outside perspective might help. After all, the existence of this old school friend wasn't a problem for the husband until the couple went through a crisis.

Don't mean to make light of the situation, but this seems appropriate somehow...

Just a Friend (Old School)

Maybe it's just me, but I think that when there is a problem that you find asking complete strangers their advise about your marriage, your marriage might be in a bit of trouble. It is your marriage. If you have any doubt about your mate that just might be your answer.