That's my marriage down the drain

I don't know why I'm posting this here but I have to write/talk to someone. I've just been informed by my wife that she has been having an affair for the last 4 months. I don't know where to start, I'm just shaking!!! She's done it before and I forgave her and tried everything (or at least I thought so) to get things back together, but that's it now.

Sorry mate, nothing anyone here can say to make it better to be honest, betrayal cuts deepest. Only thing i can say is that there are many here have suffered the same cuts and survived.

Chin up mate and don't collapse in front of her !

Thanks Dave. I know noone else can help me, I just need to get it off my chest.

nothing i can say besides for seconding what bluedave said-- try to hang in there. You must feel completely devestated, to say the least...

Please focus on the second thing i said after giving you a hug/arm round the shoulders. Do NOT collapse in front of her or you hand over all the power and appear weak. Please take note of this bit and in the future it will help, trust me .

It is hard in situations like this but keep your head up,life goes on you deserve better
once a cheater always a cheater.

Best of Luck to you!

That's what some of my friends say, i'm not quite sure what to believe.

well, happens once it's a mistake. happens again then sadly move on to someone who appreciates you and wants the same type of relationship you do.

True, in my experience.

Something I didn't want to believe in myself but mistakes are there to be made I suppose.

See? you are already preparing excuses for her in your mind, be strong and respect yourself man!

An "honest" woman would have left you after the first time when she did it. Cheater or not, if she tells you, she wants to go. Got to let her go, then. I think this thing is quite severe whether you are in a marriage or not: just in a boyfriend-girlfriend scheme, for example.
The torture is the same, only the financial implications are worse for the marriage.

I hate reading such stories. Why did she marry you if she wasn't sure about it?!!!

A good old buddy of mine wrote me once after one of his break-ups (more to console himself.. so, listen, this was written by a man, not me!): "The old one goes, the new one comes."
Keep that in mind, for later.

I think you got me wrong there. I meant my mistake believing it wouldn't happen again, I should have kicked her out the first time.

Sorry, yeah i did get you wrong. No happiness ever existed in beng right my friend, i wish you well and hope you can live through the pain quickly.

Sorry, no quick fix cos there ain't one.

Thanks everyone for the support, I think I'll try and get some sleep now though. It's going to be a long day.

Yes, there is no quick fix, I second that. You can "starve it out" of yourself, at the best. With time. Good luck!

Next time you should look better whom you let into your life... maybe you can try asking for recommendations from previous boyfriends, or such... (no joke... that's the best way to collect statistics about her relationship behaviour). Otherwise, I have no idea what can be done to prevent this. It is called character failure. Some people have it. I don't think it can be fixed externally. Not you. SHE should have done that long ago... before marrying!

Presuming that empty is a lady, i find it strange what advice is being given.

Bummer Jack. I hope you work it out for the best in the end. Did the reasons for the first affair ever get cleared up? People have a tendancy to fall into old relationship patterns if drastic changes aren't made to the causes of the symptom of problems.
As BD said, keep your dignity, and distance. Nothing drives a woman (person in general) nuttier than when someone takes a step away, I think it's the whole hunter gatherer instinct within us.

Sorry to hear of another person in emotional strife. As I've posted my own marriage is in a complete mess at the moment. We did agree separation but we've actually moved slightly back from that after I asked my wife to look at a flat that I as interested in and the finality of it struck home with her. She conceded that she didn't really want me to move out and we're back in another round of councilling.

I've said on another thread that I think we should organise a get together for divorced/divorcing and separating people. I think we have quite a few in Munich and my suspicion is that having somebody else to talk to about our situations would be very therapeutic. Of course we might all break down in tears though.

There are statistics out there that suggest marriage when you move cultures and mixed culture marriages have a higher failure rate. It's not easy.

All the best and kopf hoch.

Peter

Really? Where can these statistics be found?

That it's not easy is a given; marriage, to a foreign or otherwise is always difficult. I would have thought, however, that 'mixed culture marriages' had a better chance if only because you'd think that the couple would discuss their differences (which are more obvious differences compared to a couple with the same background) before they tied the knot.

Jack, your pain comes across almost physically, I am sorry that you are going through the hurt and humiliation of betrayal again. Remind yourself that you have done nothing to cause this, your wife had done it before, you managed to stay together, and now she has done it again. Not your fault!

It is easy for us to say Don't let it get you down, Stand tall, Don't show your pain. My last break-up was so bad that I would start crying on the U-Bahn, unable to stop. But through it all I told myself that I would not let it make me feel less of a person than I am. You are still yourself, unchanged in spite of your life crumbling under your feet. Take a step forward and you will find firmer ground.

Jack,

Just sent you an email which you may find useful. Hang tough.

I agree with dancarina. Would be interested in seeing statistics, though.

Thats a load of crap for a start,but

@Jack

mate the problem is as you said yourself that you tried to make a go of it after the first time. If anybody starts something with another person no matter how much the truth hurts, its because something is wrong in the relationship in the first place and trying to make another go of it again is a waste of time for both parties, once that boundry of trust has been breached its too late. Like a vase, once its been dropped, you can stick it back together again but you ll always see the cracks!

good luck!

After the dust has settled and you are a little stronger the financial issues will come up. Make sure you get as much money as possible (without going to court), in two years time this will be more important than being chums and "fair" now.

Loada bullshit , to my eternal shame , the worst thing I ever did was cheat (once) on an ex about 9 years ago now it was ... we broke up after it , but she never got over it and I never forgave myself - but I don't bullshit myself about somehting being wrong in the rellie , I was a selfish asshole , plain and simple.

Wise advice from a man whose native countrymen are notorious for their wisdom on the subject. Seriously, start squirrelling it away now. When the bitterness starts, be in a decent financial position. Then, if you want to be "fair" you can make that decision in the cold light of day.

Good Luck Jack!

It gets better with time - get out and meet other women now. It has never been easier to meet the fairer sex. Internet, speed dating, more women at work etc... There is many out there that are just waiting for someone like you. You really don't need your exwife to be and the quicker you cut financial, emotional and habitual ties the better.

Let me talk to my friend in HR who told me all this stuff and see if she can give me the source.

Oh yeah, get out ASAP and get it over with quick, keep contact to an absolute minimum. It's difficult, but you have to do it.

Sorry this has happened, Jack but it is also a chance to move on to something better. Relationships can break down for a variety of reasons. Like anything else in life, there is no absolute security except your own ability to find that inner strength - and that exists in face of enormous odds if one is prepared to look - believe me. The first prerequisite for a stable relationship is being able to be happy alone. A successful relationship will be with s.o. who has enough similar aspirations and is about growing together, rather than projecting change on the other, or being totally dependent on that person. Best wishes in finding yourself again, and attracting s.o. with whom you share enough common ground.

"Oh yeah, get out ASAP and get it over with quick, keep contact to an absolute minimum. It's difficult, but you have to do it."

A common failure is to make yourself feel temporarily better e.g. by having a one-night stand. To get affirmation. In some cases it might be good but in my opinion you (the general you) are covering up your sadness cosmetically. Many people don't understand that love and "in love (romantic desire) are 2 different ball games. If you can be happy in yourself without a hungering, as much as possible, then you've won. And you will radiate positive energy which is attractive to new prospective partners.

But mixing with friends and enjoying yourself generally sounds good!

I'm very sorry, Jack.

It's her decision to have an affair. It's not your fault and no-one deserves that kind of betrayal. I hope you can get through this and out the other side with dignity. Good luck.

If she cheated on a number occassions, the marriage was surely in trouble. Once can be forgiven, but twice shows underlying and inherent problems. Do you wish to solve them and maintain the relationship - that's something only you can know after discussion with your wife.

I seperated from my husband as the relationship wasn't working - my actions preceding the split making that very clear. I left him out of a sense of integrity and fairness not only to myself, but to him and my son. We are all now much happier and maintain a very good relationship. Sometimes it's not easier to call it quits, but in the long term healthier for all parties involved.

Jack,

The best thing you can do now is take excellent care of yourself. Indulge yourself in healthy, life-giving ways. Find a counselor. Or a support group. Or a self-help book. Or all three of these. The worst mistake (which I personally have made) would be to rebound into another relationship before you have healed from this traumatic and heartbreaking experience.

Hang in there,
James

I'd have to disagree with parnell (makes a change ). On the whole, women cheat for different reasons as compared to men. Most of the time due to a failing in the present relationship as opposed to just wanting a shag with someone different.

And this makes any difference at the end? You commit when you start a relationship and cheating for one or another reason should finish it

I think the "reasons" are irrelevant. Adults are responsible for their own actions, whatever sex they are. Having an affair is their own decision.

@hams
That's the funny thing about SOME women - unable to criticise themselves - no , had to be someone/something else's fault...I
ve been cheated on twice - both by assholes.

so true!!! some people lay the blame for their own cheating squarely at their partners feet - "they practically MADE me cheat by not being my perfect partner" - if you cheat it's down to you and no one else.

Don't think I was ever taking away responsibilty from the person who cheated, just commenting on the fact that male and female menatility tend to differ. Off topic of course, I do apologise.

I haven't cheated on anyone since high school and wouldn't be capable of it either (well, capable of the act but not capable of covering it up afterward) but I agree with hams. I think a woman cheating on a man is more serious and detrimental to a relationship than a man cheating on a woman because of the reasons that drive them to cheat. I know plenty of men who can whisk off to Thailand for a one night fling where no one's the wiser and not have it affect them or the relationship one bit while women just aren't as capable of nor do they seek as much "no big deal" sex. If they're going to cheat, most of the time it means something to them.

Disclaimer: obviously these are generalisations and don't apply to everyone.

Women and men cheat for the same reasons - the biggest reason being is that they find the other person attractive and want to have sex with them.

I couldn't disagree more.

I would agree that that is the bottom line - however, IMO men tend to reach it so much faster!

I seem to remember reading this somewhere:

Why Men Cheat
The most frequently cited reasons for infidelity among men include
more sex (the desire for a more active sex life)
sexual variety (a desire for different kinds of sex)
opportunistic sex (taking advantage of an opportunity to have sex without the fear of getting caught)
to satisfy sexual curiosity (about a specific female)
a feeling of entitlement (the belief that it's a man's prerogative to cheat)

Why Women Cheat
The reasons most frequently cited for female infidelity include
a desire for emotional closeness and intimacy (someone caring to confide in and bond with on an emotional level) (more sex in women talk)
a desire for attention (wanting be the center of a man's attention again)
to reaffirm her desirability (To feel validated as a woman)
to re-experience feelings of romance
a desire to feel “special�
a desire to make some money on the side

But what both men and women cheaters have in common is that they decide to betray their partner.

No argument there, and no argument that one sex is less to blame than the other.

Know type of how you feel as have been there and forgave the first time like you and the second time you just have to do it and say "Get out!". Its hurts like hell but as Blue Dave has said you have to be strong and fight it. Dont let it get on top of you-thats what happened to me mate and it took 5 years of hurt, stupidity and selfpity before I realized I am better than that and that I shouldnt feel so bad and stop beating myself up. Dont make similar mistakes to me. Try and stay focussed on something that you want to do or achieve and use that as a way to fight the Negative thoughts maybe. Be Strong in front of her and dont let yourself get ripped off. Sadly I let my Ex rip me off financially and didnt realize the tricks that she was playing til too late. Hopefully this is not true in your case. But just becareful on your finances and things.

Now I have a great girlfriend who is very caring and loving and what is more important-Loyal. I have tried to learn the lessons I had last time and put them into practice now. Spend more time with her and be as open as I possibly can. I hope that you can get over this tough period as soon as possible. it will hurt and it will cost you but dont despair as myself and many others have been there and come through it. We cant tell you what will work or what to do -you must do that yourself but dont ever think you are alone mate-you are not. And given time there will be somebody for you who you can trust and enjoy a relationship again with.

Jack, good for you for getting it out on here. I'm sorry she cheated.

I don't really buy that men are to blame when women cheat. If I just want more attention and to feel special in my relationship, having an affair would be just about the worst way to motivate my partner to improve things, wouldn't it? ER said she wouldn't be able to cover up an affair ... my guess is that she's smart enough to think through the consequences. I'm sorry your wife didn't do that math.

The distinction cheater/non-cheater is artificial. There's a spectrum of values and character strength, for sure, but nobody is immune. I'm aware of when I'm particularly non-immune (a particularly bad combination is needing sex, needing to feel feminine during long weeks of only living my tough side on work trips, and the feeling that partner isn't supportive), and I make choices based on that. Like not drinking at ALL at conferences. This isn't out of love for a partner, or b/c the relationship is so great that all my needs are being met. There've been times I've cursed my notion of honor.

Mismatched sex needs put a huge strain on my fidelity muscles. Maybe the difference between me and a man is my worry that if I end the relationship, there's no guarantee I'll get reliable quality on a regular basis, or any at all.