Advice on dealing with a secret admirer

Hello all.

I appreciate that this is a slightly odd topic, hence my own 'secret identity' (I have another user name on this forum, but I'd rather ask this even more anonymously). Here's the story:

I recently received an email via a networking site from a self-titled secret admirer who has set up an account under an (obviously feigned) pen name. Apparently, he has a massive crush on me, but is afraid to tell me in a more open fashion as he's afraid I would stop talking to him. I would normally dismiss this as a joke (I'm not the type to inspire professions of love from all I meet), but I know who the person is. He has quite a distinctive writing style. My knowledge of this person makes me absolutely certain he is serious, and no one I know would think to send an email like this as a prank, and definately not to me.

I feel highly uncomfortable, as this person is significantly older than me and is not someone I am in any way whatsoever attracted to. Furthermore, I have heard from various sources that this person has, in the past, stalked girls and has received a restraining order (yes, I know, things are starting to seem absurd, I promise I'm serious). While I am inclined to take these reports with a pinch of salt, I still feel slightly alarmed. He has offered to send me gifts to prove he is in earnest. I'd really rather he didn't.

I'm not in Germany for very long and all my friends are at home. Many of them are inclined to gossip (which I'd rather they didn't do), and even those that aren't I don't really want to mention it because it's embarassing for me to do so. I also feel sorry for the person (there appears to be no way for me to phrase that without sounding patronising) because unrequited feelings suck, but I suspect that my friends would make fun of him and spread rumours, which isn't fair. So I'm asking you.

I'm not sure what to do. I have a vague feeling that I sort of owe him a reply, but I don't want to encourage him. Is there any way I can be nice without indicating interest? Should I reply at all? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

I think you should just ignore him totally. You don't owe a stalker a reply. Ignore all emails, messages, whatever, completely and totally, starting now. Anything else would give him hope and encourage him to keep playing his bizarre little game. Even though you know who he is, he still thinks (or is at least pretending to think) that his identity is a big secret. So, use that as an excuse not to talk to strangers. By the time he hatches a new plan to stalk you, you'll be back home.

Any silence on your part may be construed by him as mixed messages. Rebuke the old goat promptly, as politely and as firmly possible in a return email. Never be alone with him. Keep records. If it is at work then take appropriate action.

Trying to be nice may bite you on the bum eventually.
Best to be clear, concise, direct.
Because any way that you remotely leave the door open can be used against you. A simple "thank you, but no thanks" will do the job.
Unless starting this thread has done the job for you already...
Good luck in any case.

PS oh yes, protect yourself however you choose to, either by using mail filters or block users etc. or indeed other methods.

Are you butters'/malikos' wife?

Yeah, I agree, anything too flowery to turn them down will probably just add fuel to the fire. As the "secret admirer" doesn't know you know who it is, being blunt is fine, because you can still be normal in person then. I would send a message simply saying, "I'm not interested. Sorry." Then ignore any future correspondence.

From Metropolitan Police:

Okay that blows my advice out the water. However I think the advice might be different for a stranger than someone that you know and work with.

I'm going to go with the blunt, "no interest" reply. BTW, due to your distinctive writing style, I know exactly who you are.

/just kidding
//really don't know who you are
///don't want to add any more creepyness

BTW, Lorelei, we're not at stalker stage yet. Just one email on a networking site. Continued emails after a rebuff are when we get to stalker status. Just my $0.02

Alternatively you can get a gun and say "If you don't leave me alone I will $%$% blow your brains off!!!"

EDIT:only apply to men/women who are sticky glue.

EDIT EDIT: Appearantly men from third world countries do not understand what no means.

EDIT EDIT EDIT: The gun comment was meant in a joking way but having simple self defense skills does help when confronting stalkers. You can take some classes with your local police.

I don't think that one 'secret admirer' email can be called full fledged stalking just yet, but agree with the above posters that trying to deliver the message super-politely may cause mixed signals and confusion. I'd reply with a short, direct note, telling him that you're not interested and asking him not to contact you again.

Hard as it is, you really need to resist the inclination to try to be "nice" in this instance. It will be interpreted as a mixed message.
I've usually found following Showem's advice in cases like this to be a good bet.

You could have just told me to stop emailing you... now I'm just hurt. *sob*

2 options ...ignore completely (my advice) or not be nice just tell him f**k off...the nice option would not be in my top ten things to do here

Yes, I've helped Topsy with her numerous stalkers.

Both of you know each other and he is not a stranger. Therefore, Silence can be (mis-) interpreted as consent. So, it better to STOP him firmly without further delay.

go on Topsy and Showem name and shame

here:
---------------------------------------
Dear Secret Admirer:
I understand that you wanted to avoid an uncomfortable situation by remaining anonymous. This was probably for the best. I am quite happy with all my current relationships in the way that they are. I am happy with all my friends being friends, and would not want anything more from any of them… I’m sure you are included among them.

Your truly… blah blah blah

---------------------------------------
To me it seems clear, friendly, yet face-saving.

LOL
before it gets out of hand, with "cases like this" I meant handling weirdo (from my POV) people in general and not stalkers in particular

ETA @ thefirelane : that email is far too nice and waffly. something like this would be better:
"secret admirer,
I know who you are and I am not interested. Sorry.
GSAB"
and then ignore any future emails from that account

If the networking site has a block user function, make use of it. First a blunt "not interested in any way"...then block user.

Call me carrazy/stalker-like but surely there's a contradiction here , my conclusion is that it is you that is the loony and it is he that should take out a restraining order.

Isn't that what you say to all the women who complain about stalkers?
I remember another TT member had a similar post and you said the same thing.

Was it you LIAB?

IN that case clearly I was way the fuck off , I mean what with your xenophobic comments yesterday and your having a go at the 3rd world on this thread , I could see that there'd be a ton of doods just linin up for your affections...

Serious question , you ever seen a psychologist?

No, it wasn't me.

I was just quoting the police advice, given that the OP's "admirer" has a record of stalking. I once had a "secret admirer" when I was at uni. (Those were the days!) He was a friend of a friend, and approached me in person. I told him politely that I wasn't interested, but he wouldn't take no for an answer. Like the original poster, I felt a bit sorry for him and continued to be "nice". But he just would not leave me alone, so I ended up having to do this: [img]http://bestsmileys.com/angry1/11.gif[/img] Luckily, it worked, but with a different person whose admiration was less puppyish, it might not have. So I think the advice to be entirely neutral and matter-of-fact, if you have to answer at all, is good.

I would simply say, "I am not interested. Do not contact me again." No reason at this point to admit that you know who this person is.

but then he might think that he'd still be in with a chance if she knew his true identity

When you give this guy the brush off - "I am not interested" - don't bother with the "sorry" part. Because, be honest, you aren't, and it sounds as if you were concerned about his feelings. Do not engage in any exchange of messages etc., just plain say "no".

Honestly , if she's so convinced that :
a ) the guy is a stalker ,
b ) he really is into her and
c ) she knows his identity

then write the following:

Dear Parnell <insert real name here> ,
you've been sending me a bunch of emails lately and though I've tried to be nice and sweet about it , you're clearly too thick to get the message - and that message is this : "fuck off" . Let me repeat that so there is no mistake and you don't think this email is a joke - it's not , I'm dead serious , you are not good enough for me , so kindly take it elsewhere . Also I'm a lesbian (ok that bit was added in to make him feel ok) and no I won't share , what made you think I liked cock in the first place?
I hope we can still be friends after this but let's be honest here I don't really give a shit.
Yours in your fucking dreams pal ,
Madeleine <insert real name here>

Any of the gents wondering if there's correlation between this thread and Uncle Nick's one in the gent's section this morning?

Eek, I don't think anyone should do anything resembling telling their would-be stalker off. If a guy is maladjusted enough misinterpret fear and mild repulsion as romantic interest, he is not likely to correctly interpret a clear "get lost," or even a "thanks but not thanks" either. He'd probably get pissed at the rejection and then REALLY start getting annoying. Look at what happens when people get testy on TT; a guy with a history of stalking is probably likely to behave at least as kookoo if not more.

Be blunt and forceful .. a Little pain on his side and a little bit of guilt at hurting someones feeling on your side, pales into insignificance, if he become fully infatuated with you and starts stalking you. Then you will be in a whole world of misery. Don't be cruel, just be blunt and don't leave any avenue open for ambiguity. Ie "we can still be friends" bullshit will leave the door open for him.

Failing that, there are plenty of people who would happily break his legs for 500 yoyo's ... Would offer to do it myself of course... but my belly gets in the way you see

What? You gave him head? Twice?

I vote for the zero reply.

If he is halfway normal, he will get the message.

If he is not normal, he would take any reply on your part as engaging in conversation. He will reply, ask you to explain, argue with you, try to cajole you. This doesn't deserve a second thought.

Simply ignore.

Topsy's suggested email would be my advice too.
silence is open to misinterpretation.
send the mail asap then forget all about it.

Milk him for everything he has got. That will teach him. Give us a daily blow by blow tally so we can see the damage in progress. Send us photo showing his normal facial expression before, during and after.

I'll go with Ruthie's (and other's) suggestion. You have to ignore him.

Respond with a 'thanks but no thanks' and he'll respond with a 'why?' (an attempt to engage you in further dialogue). Respond with a 'fuck off!' and you'll get an 'apology' (an attempt to engage you in further dialogue) etc etc. See the pattern here if you do respond?

You need to block his messages and he needs to know he's blocked. I know it's human nature to want read messages sent to you but if he even thinks you're reading them, it'll only encourage him.

Downside of course, is that if he can't interact with you in cyber space he may attempt to get more 'friendly' in reality. Bad news about his previous form (restraining order), but, if as you suspect, it is a work colleague, then there's a whole bunch of harassment laws on your side within the workplace.

And without deflating your ego, if he is a serial stalker, he may just give up on you and go find someone else to stalk.

Jonny_M, that's why she should respond once (firmly, but not necessarily rudely - "I'm flattered but I'm not at all interested." or whatever) and then block him.

I think saying you are flattered is a mistake. If the guy really is a potential problem, that would be seen as encouragement. I say either ignore or "I'm not interested," without the sorry (upon reflection of sarabyrd's post).

Katie, I disagree. Any form of dialogue will be perceived by said stalker as encouragement for him to try again.

Thank you very much for all your help, everybody, I really, really appreciate it

so, have you decided what to do, then?
we need closure!!!

Send a very brief and cursory response indicating lack of interest, adjust my privacy settings, and ignore any future mail. Though hopefully that will be the end of it. I'm not worthy the hassle...

Slightly off topic but i read the user names as "green", as in slang for inexperienced "hoes are better." I actually wondered about that...good to know you weren't promoting amateur or funny coloured ho-ness. Carry on.

greenshoesarebetter is out of the office right now. She will be returning 31.2.2050.

If you have anything urgent please contact staythef**kaway@yousadt**t.com

I'd suggest her to delete the email and ignore the whole thing. If that guy was a decent (sane) one, sooner or later he'd take the courage to call or write directly (in his own name), say who he is and show openly that he's interested in her!

Last time an old (not secret) admirer of mine showed up (I had had the number deleted... or I don't even think I had it, but he had mine), and he was giving me short calls and hanging up before I could answer. I tried to call back a couple of times, to ask who it is, he again hanged up. After call number 10 I reported telephone disturbance cause I went on red alarm (I have a tendency of collecting stalkers, somehow). Then he sent an sms and said: "You could tell me more about yourself, cause last time on the bus I told you half of the story of my life, after all".

I still didn't realize who it could be (the talk had happened 4 months before, on a trip - now I know... but on that day I really had NO CLUE who it was).
I wrote back:"I don't know who you are. Either you tell me who you are, or I'll give your number to the police, stalker! Stop bugging me, understood? You are getting on my nerves with these ring-ring calls! "

He called me back IMMEDIATELY, told me who he was and what he wanted: to see me. He also begged me not to call police, cause it was all just about a date. One date, and then, there were more to come!
That's the way it goes, @green shoes...

Hum. Was I rude? He didn't think so! Better rude than naive. One has to make the rabbit jump out of the bush somehow, after all! You can always take the "gun" and shake the bush, make the rabbit jump! No need to engage in hide-and-seek games. It's lack of respect towards the woman. If you reply positively or ambiguously to an anonymous admirer, you show that it doesn't matter to you who he is, you are frustrated and you are open for anything, and cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeap...
No woman wants to be cheeeeeeap...

I am experiencing a similar kind of problem, so what I am doing is

1/ Totally ignore, and totally avoid
2/ Do not try to think about the person or past events
3/ Get on with life