Everything you ever wanted to know about Germans

A quick note on some stuff people have brought up here and which they seem to be puzzled about. I think you guys deserve answers.

Here you'll get them.

Why do all Germans pick their noses all the time?

It's a religious thing, which is easy to spot once you're familiar with the German word for booger: Popel. Please show some respect.

Why don't Germans allow us to pick just any name for a child that's been born here?

Because you can't stop yourself from calling your kids stuff like "Dick" and "Fanny". Don't you think we haven't noticed! Fecking perves!

Why do German toilets have poop shelfs? So you can smell your shit?

Our shit doesn't smell. Duh!

Why are you pushing into me from behind when queuing?

It's a service we try to provide for our male British visitors - we know that you love to have your bums fondled by strangers and weird objects. Sorry if there have been mixups.

Are all Germans nazis?

Jawohl! We also goosestep all the time - behind your backs!

Why are all Germans staring at me all the time?

It's not your general attractiveness, though all of you look decidedly lovely today. We gotta check for when you ain't looking - so we can start goosestepping.

Why are elderly Germans so grumpy?

You try goosestepping with an artificial hipjoint!

Why is it VERBOTEN to eat pizza for breakfast in Germany?

That one actually made me giggle. Isn't it obvious? We had to find a job for all the ex-gestapo guys. They are now working for the breakfast-pizza special forces and will come to get you!

Have all Germans always hated Americans?

Yep, I'm afraid it's part of our genetic makeup. Some time ago a 3,600 years old religious object named "sky disc" was found in Germany and its the pics were all over the media - afraid those pics were badly doctored though. Here's the original:

[img]http://i118.photobucket.com/albums/o107/DanaDuck2006/flora.jpg[/img]

My inlaws are licking their knifes after dinner. Is this typicaly German?

Yep. We also have special invisible licking knifes, so you won't be able to spot the licking in restaurants. Devious, eh?

Why do Germans not smile as much as we do?

You try smiling with a finger up your nose and a knife in your mouth...

Why do Germans have no sense of humour?

Vhot? FRECHHEIT! SCHNAUZE!!!

Thanks , makes a lot of things clearer.

I think you may well be inundated with endless questions though as you seem to have all the answers.

Why do german's get a cold at the slightest sign of moving air, for example?

actually, I've never noticed that. What I have noticed however, but this applies nt only to Germans but to many English speakers too (one of my pet peeves), is that most people don't see to get a cold at all these day. Everyone moves straight to the flu (even if it only lasts a few days).

That's right. And no-one gets headaches any more either, it's always migraines. And no-one just feels a bit down, they're always depressed. Similarly, the slightly overweight are now termed obese, while the slim are anorexic. Doesn't seem to be much middleground any more, somehow. But agreed, it's by no means an exclusively German thing!

The widespread neurosis about draughts and a/c, on the other hand...

Because we're not used to moving air. The movement of air is strictly forbidden under the Bundesluftbewegungseindämmungsundverhinderungsbestimmmungsausführungs-
verordnungsgesetz. You better report any moving air you come across!

There isn't any here though - is there? OR IS THERE?

*runs*

Which would move us on to why do Germans have a single word for what the rest of the world would use a sentence for?

Tocompletelybamboozleinnocentunsuspectingforeigners.

Nah, j/k. Germany's a small country. We need all the Lebensraum for ourselves - there's simply no room for a lot of Leerzeichen.

It is a matter of thriftiness. Prevents waste of punctuation and blanks.

LittleSprite,
You should start a blog if you haven't already.
I could go for your laughs any day.

Ok. I'll buy that. Makes some sence.

So the need for two sets of bathing costumes?

You mean why we change bathing costumes as soon as one set has got wet? Because otherwise we get urinary tract infactions and spend most of our time in the bathroom. And who would want to do that - I mean, HAVE YOU SEEN OUR POO-SHELF TOILETTS?

Ok.

And the inability of a German to say. 'You know what, I'm wrong'.

You know what? I got the edit thingy wrong.

Edited to add: Back on track!


That's a long and complex story. It basically has to do with the way babies learn to pronounce words and the fact that people never learn to pronounce letters correctly they don't hear very early in life. Some English sounds/letters just don't exist in German. So it will always come out as "Yew no vot, eyem rong".

Ve're vorking on it, though!

You've confirmed my suspicions. You're really not German.

Yes, and her name is actually "Little 7up"

But I want to be! Beckenbauer! Beer! Lederhosen! Slumping down on top of unsuscepting foreigners in the underground and acting as if it wasn't in order to cop a feel! Shouting silly stuff at each other at the top of our voices with a Hitler intonation and giggling at foreigners growing pale! Making love in the streets!

There's so much fun to be had...