So let's talk about Belgian pigmy chimps

So I moved here approximately 3 years ago straight from the United Kingdom. I'm a 31 year old English girl, born and raised like the doughy girl that I am, on a council estate.

Not sure, cannot get me head round this one, though I've mulled it over for some time.

I'll be brief (or not, as the case may be). Yesterday I'm on the bus home right, listening to Incubus and well, it's my right to have it too loud innit. What does it matter - that the tsch tsch sound annoys the hell out of other people and makes them want to shove my mp3 player up my arse? They're not gonna do it, right? So I don't have to worry my little ol' head about pissing off otherwise lovely people. Anyways...

I get on the bus and take a seat. A few stops later, a naked, hairy bloke gets on the bus and sits at the back (I am near the front). I wouldn't normally have noticed him, but he was looking at me through the window kinda odd (when he was sitting at the bus stop) and he was just so fecking hairy. It was creepy man. No problem, I thought. I'll just turn up my sounds and pretend he isn't there, with all his freaky hairiness. He looked old enough to know about waxing salons, but I suppose it's his choice.

At the next stop, everyone gets off the bus. I don't know why, but I'm assuming he freaked them out too. I glanced around the bus and noticed he was still there, but had moved forward a seat. Okay, no worries. If he gets any closer, I'll waft a methane kiss in his general direction.

Then at the next stop, nobody gets on and he moves forward again. So now he's about five rows behind me and I notice that he's put on a balaclava. Aaaaaargh! His beady eyes are squinting at me through holes in the polyester blend.

Then he moves another two rows closer to me and I realise that monkeyman’s Balaclava has a slit in it, with his moustache pushed through. He has fashioned the hair on his upper lip into a sort of Poirot affair. Does this mean he’s Belgian? Anyway, I’m older and I reckon I could grow a better one, if I wanted to. With his extreme hairiness, the nakedness and his ability to walk sort of upright (albeit in a lurching forward manner), does this mean he’s a Bonobo? My mind reeled, but I put it down to the Bavarian love affair with moustaches and the current heatwave.

He keeps moving forward in the seats and then when he gets to the row behind me, he shouts at me. Yes, he actually shouted at me. How can this happen in post war Germany? I didn’t understand what he said because I don’t spank speak monkey and well, I couldn’t have heard him anyway coz my music was too loud. I did catch one word at the end though and that was “BONOBO!� After I gave him my best disapproving look, he got up and left the bus. He didn’t even say bye.

Huh? So I think about what happened and then I get all worked up. How can someone be so unashamed by their hairiness as to be naked, but want to cover some of their facial hair with a balaclava? What if a stranger had taken offense at his state of undress? He was only a titchy bloke though and I reckon if I’d had a dog, it would’ve humped his hairy tibia into submission.

So like, that would totally mess with a person’s head, right? What should I do? If I became physically aggressive with a higher primate, would that make me a bad person? Is it the same as kicking a dog? On that note – does anyone else get the urge to kick small rat like dogs? I don’t want to hurt them, I just wonder how far they fly and if they’d squeak.

I still don’t know how to deal with it, in my head of course. I’ve met hairy people in England, but they always covered it up or shaved. The hairy people in England don’t understand hairiness properly anyway, they think it grows because they’ve been bad, which is why English women are so keen on the Brazilian wax. Not like the Belgians, who don’t think the same. When a Belgian is overtly hairy, they know it’s a genetic leftover. I’m just assuming though, coz I don’t know for sure. I only know what I read in The Daily Sport and heard Rowan Atkinson say on The Nine O’clock News. With him leaving the bus like that though, it left me with no sense of clarity. How inconsiderate, leaving me on the verge so to speak.

So I reckon I have these queries: Are there a lot of Belgian Bonobos in Munich? Are they all naked? Are there any ‘congregation zones’ for Belgian Bonobos? Anyone had any dealings with one?

I’m not sure if I should be worried or not. I told my mates about it and they said, between fits of suppressed laughter, that they’ve never come across one. None of their extended family or friends had either, apparently. Apparently not even the cousin of Heidi’s sister, who works in the post office. I feel that I’m not being taken seriously.

In 2.916 years here, I’ve noticed 2.5. The first 1.5 were parent and sprog, who kept darting in and out of the clothing racks at Konen. The second was the bloke on the bus. I’m wondering what might happen if I bump into a third. Will they infect me with their hairiness?

It’s a shame, because it’s things like this that makes English girls feel out of place. Was he picking on me because I wax? Why was he moving closer to me? I might worry about everyone who moves closer to me now. Why are you moving closer? Why are you so hairy? Why do you speak French? Are you a Belgian Bonobo? Perhaps I might be over-reacting. I’ve been aware of hairy French-speaking men my whole life, but I don’t know how to deal with it, in a country so close to Belgium.

Opinions?

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(That's how to do facetious )

lol I applaud you!

First thing to ask, did he have BBL? Belly Button Lint

Now, before i continue my attempt to study this extremely interesting diversion from work, let me warn you i am not an expert on Belgian bonobo's (although, because i am dutch, i do suspect Belgians are much closer related to out ancestors than the rest human kind). To compensate, let me introduce you to a Dutch Radio (VPRO Noorderlicht) interview with Belgian Bonobo-specialist Kristiaan D'Aout and robot specialist Martijn Wisse, March 4, 2003..

I would be extremely interested in a further study ion this subject, and propose to build an observation post close to the location of ~first contact~. Did he seem hungry? can we appease him by paying a Frenchman to flea him? So many questions... so little time...

Thankyou! It's good to know my procrastination habit is good for something

Did yoo notice whether he used a strip ticket or a weekly/monthly IsarCard?

Where did you get the trip / scrooms from ? Down here the scrooms dont come up till september !

I will take the bait. It's virtually impossible for me to work with such a strong urge to solve these life questions.
I think the solution to this problem may lie in the apparent paradox posed by these 2 quotes:
(First a disclaimer, I am assuming now that whoever masters the French language enough to try to speak to strange woman on the bus, is by definition past of the French population, having absorbed somehow the culture together with the language)


(by drdrew.com. Dont ask)
vs.


(by Antoine de Saint-Exupery (French Pilot, Writer and Author of 'The Little Prince', 1900-1944))

Thus, the subject might have assumed a shared interest, and became a bit confused when his gazes were not returned, completely forgetting that it was actually a sign of mutual attraction. (i might be wrong, please correct me is i am).
Being slightly hairy, he turned his own insecurity into a desire to wax himself. Not knowing how to do this however, and obviously realizing that you did know, things spiraled out of control like a star rotating faster than breakup velocity. I think his last words can be translated into something roughly equivalent with the famous words from a French soldier :


Because i dont know how to embed a video

Summarizing, you can turn this thing around and say: "I like Frenchmen very much, because even when they insult you they do it so nicely." or something in the spirit of "Go and boil your bottom, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Arthur King Belgian bonobo"

ps, The feelings of others

Hangovers make my thinking slow

Read my lips

heeeey! It was me on that bus! I'm not belgian i'm italian and i speak a dialect (milanese) that sounds french (but it is not, for God's sake!)
I'm so hairy because of the testosterone (italians, you know...) and I don't wax because I would disappear if I do it. I moved closer and closer because the music was not loud enough and what I said was not "BONOBO!" but "ist es BONO Oder was?".
tsk, english girls around the world, tsk...