Asking a German girl to marry you

Right. So for my first post on Toytown, I'm going to ask some pretty hefty questions. I've been together with my German girlfriend almost 3 years now, and I think it's time to pop the question. However after reading some threads on getting engaged here, I've come up with a few questions.

On another thread, it mentions in Germany that it is common place to give only one ring, whereas in America you'd normally give an engagement ring, and then a wedding ring. The thread mentions that in Germany, people buy the engagement ring, wear it on one hand, then at the wedding swap it over to the other. Have I got this right?

In this case, it causes me significantly more trouble. First thing, I know nothing about rings, it's 100% not my thing. This makes the choice a lot harder, cause this is the ring she'll want to keep forever, or at least until I divorce her

Anyway, I was initially thinking of buying a medium priced type of ring, seeing as it was only for the engagement. Then for the wedding we could both look for one she liked. But if this is going to be the only ring, I don't know if I feel comfortable purchasing something she doesn't like and she's stuck with it.

Good news is that my girlfriend doesn't particularly like jewelry either. This makes it a bit harder though too, cause I have no idea what she might like, and frankly, I don't even think she owns any rings! She doesn't wear any day to day, and I've been searching for one so I can at least figure out a size, but to no avail. She has talked about this before though, and does want to wear a wedding ring one day.

So, all these factors combined, do the girls out there think I would look like a complete dick if I didn't have the ring when I asked her? Would it be at all reasonable to go looking for a ring together afterwards? Or should I go buy a token ring for the question, and then go shopping afterwards? Or should I just buy one that I think she might like, and then she has to stick with it?

Any other advice on how this works here in Germany would be appreciated. I can't speak German at all, so a search of Google really isn't helping me here!

Thanks
Tom..

My German husband proposed without a ring & I didn't mind at all. He didn't know my ring size either, & we went shopping for one later. I don't know if it's the same for anyone else, but it took ages to find a ring that was small enough, so it's probably better to go shopping together if you don't know her size. Good luck!

First of all congratulations to your decision.

I'm German my wife is German and she now wears two rings;-) She got one the evening I asked her if she would marry me. She's wearing this one on her left hand.
For the wedding we got other rings. She's wearings her's on the right hand now.


Either get a silver ring, but they are really cheap and she will know. So better get her a whitegold ring. A bit more expensive, but without a stone it still should be affordable.


Get a ring that is not too fancy. Real straight forward design. Just a ring.


She should stick with it and will like it, don't worry.

not necessarily true. i thought its 2 rings. (at least i would 'expect' my engagement ring to be different to my wedding ring).

I proposed to my German girlfriend without a ring, partly because she is also not generally a ring wearer so I had no idea of size etc. and partly because it didn't seem that important. I'm not sure if she was disappointed or not, but she said yes anyway (actually she said "wieso?" first!).

In the end she never did get an engagement ring.

Congratulations & best of luck with your future.

I can't give feedback on the German ring etiquette, but I also do not like wearing rings. I would have hated my husband buying me a piece of expensive jewelry I do not like & don't want to wear. I would also not have liked a "token" ring - just to get engaged with. I don't think a ring is essential for proposing either (unless she is extremely romantic & sentimental, then you definitely need one!!!)

We chose our rings together. (I still don't wear mine though!)

First of all congratulations!

Sounds like it you would be better off getting the ring with her. You'd be mad to get something without knowing the exact size, her style and preference. She may not know herself what she'd like before looking, especially if she's not into jewellery.


Not at all, no need to have the ring when you ask. Depending on your plan and what you both find special, you could have something personal instead to give her. Anything from a simple rose, to special chocolates if she's a chocoholic, to champagne, to a very personal gift - in this case its about the thought and significance of the gift, not the price of it. Tell her why you didn't want to get the ring beforehand and she'll be fine with that. She'll be so touched by you put some effort into the proposal.


Yes, and can be very romantic too!


If you want to get a token ring go ahead, but don't spend much on it as its not the important one.


NOOOOO!!! Unless you really know the size and her style. You could try and get help from a close friend of hers, whose taste you trust and who would possibly know what she'd like. This has worked for friends of mine very well.

Good luck!

I say sod "German" etiquette...and do what you think she will like. It is about the person afterall. I think if you think about it, and her, and go with your gut feeling, whatever you decide will be perfect. Maybe you could ask a family member or one of her girlfriends what they think she might have in mind...they may some helpful insight. As you can see from your replies, each woman tends to have her own opinion and idea about things...

I am American, and we are known for our "3 months salary can't last forever but a diamond does" commercials, so I will leave my reply as it is

Congratulations and Good Luck!

some jewelry stores will size the ring for free so if you buy one and it is to big or to small...no problems...just ask the store first

Congrats!

Ideally being surprised with a perfect ring at engagement is optimal but do you (or will she) really want you to spend a bunch of money on a ring she may not like at all?

Buy her a token gift (something meaningful but doesn't have to be a ring) to present to her at the engagement so she knows you put some thought into the matter and didn't just have a random brain fart and then go ring shopping together later. If she has to wear it for a lifetime then it really should be something she likes.

I was always told that the German tradition was to buy gold wedding bands and wear them on the left hand until you get married, whereupon it's flipped to the right hand. No diamond ring to buy? Woo hoo!

Actually, the background of the diamond engagement ring is a bit distasteful ... since engaged couples were assumed to be sleeping together, it emerged as an economic offset to the perceived deperciation in value of a non-virgin bride in case the man bolted before the wedding. Ick.

Now we do so much outside work that we end up not wearing them except for formal occasions so they don't rip off our fingers in assorted power equipment. So much for romance.

I like all the congratulations on this thread. Who knows? She might say No.

I think most German girls would not expect a diamond ring. Go for a completely simple band. If you can afford it, platinum. From what I understand, Germans tend to do less of the romantic surprise proposals. It's usually more of a rational, pre-discussed decision -- and I think going with her to choose the ring would be nice. Why not surprise her by taking her to a jeweler's and asking her to pick out a ring as part of the proposal?

My hubby proposed without a ring,but therefore he proposed with the biggest rose i have ever seen in my life!Its also normal in SA that we wear 2 rings,but here its the norm to have only one...so we bought a matching pair of white gold/platinum rings...quite nice...

And congratulations!!

most stores will let you take the ring back if you are going to upsize or adjust the ring. One of my girlfriends hated her engagement ring she got, honestly it was ugly, guys are crap at really knowing what a women wants... so, they went back to the jeweller and upgraded the ring, a few days after he had bought it... most good jewellers will do that. Ask them what their policy is when you buy it.

Maybe this is the wrong thread for this, but, why is a ring so important, even for a wedding? It's just a shiny piece of metal around someone's finger.

It always amazes me that humans find worth in shiny manufactured things.

In my understanding, many (possibly the majority of) German couples never get "formally" engaged, hence they never exchange engagement rings at all. Also, it seems to be quite common to choose wedding rings together.

@JerseyBoy
Maybe because it signifies a marriage??

And its better to choose the rings together...it avoids extra hassles-my finger is so small that they had to rebuild the ring to fit the diamond in...and anyway,its all the more exciting to do it together! :-)

Traditionally it's just 1 ring which acts as both the engagement ring - worn on the left hand during engagement and then moved to the right hand when married.

Some insight from a German (female): traditions are as varied here as anywhere else. It also depends on family traditions or what friends do - after all, we're all copy cats in some form. I'd say the following is quite standard here: You propose to your girlfriend, if you want "accompanied" by a nice rock (any good jeweler will up/downsize it after for free but get confirmation when you buy the ring), and when things are set, you both go back to the jeweler and choose your wedding rings. At first you wear them on one hand, showing to people you are engaged, and before the wedding day, have them polished so they look nice and shiny again, and then put them on the other hand as of the wedding day. If you are Catholic, here you usually wear the ring on the left hand when engaged, and swap to the right hand when getting married. (Protestants do it vice versa.) You can also do the "rock" purchase as a surprise gift for the wedding. Then you won't have the ring size problem at all.

Hope it all works out fine. Congratulations.

no they don't...they also do left to right.

But, it's only a symbol. Symbols can easily be disregarded, ignored or tossed aside. What matters is what is in the hearts of those involved.

So, again, why do we need rings?

i wear my ring as FOR ME it signifies my marriage and above that i know that it was given to me out of love and i enjoy looking at the ring my husband gave me.

True enough and in the same vain why do we even need a piece of paper to signify our commitment? Since it's legal to divorce even the act of marriage is merely symbolic.

Why not?

I don't see the problem with nor against.

Nobody needs rings. But if you intend to be married, why not be willing and proud to publically show your commitment to society in general?
Yes the decision and continuous upholding of your choice is very personal and between you and the other person.

But in my understanding you are also asking and telling the world of your commitment by getting married. The ring is just a visual and symbolic indicator to the public. If the marriage means nothing to you, neither does the ring.

Here here!!

No one said there was a problem only that these symbols aren't a necessity which doesn't imply that they can't be enjoyed. I personally want a big fuck off ring

Diamonds are not 'manufactured' (well, the real ones aren't) - yes, they are cut, polished etc.

A diamond symbolizes the strength of the love/relationship. I don't know if it is the hardest material in the world but it sure is the prettiest.

Maybe the more important question here is: Why are you so against rings JerseyBoy??

Exactly - you wear it for you. That doesnt mean everyone has to agree.

As for me - if I ever were to get propoed to, I would not want an engagement ring. I am not a "fancy" jewerly person at all. I think it is a huge waste of money for only a status symbol. I don't even know that I would wear a wedding band. Some girls just aren't into wasting money on jewerly and would rather the money be spend on something that is actually practical. Having said that though -I do love really cheap custume jewerly though

If your gf is not that into jewerly - find another heart felt gift that has some sort of meaning between you. Spend the money on a nice surprise holiday to someplace you went together or something like that.

Just dont get caught up in the "what you should do" and the whole ring thing. It isnt needed.

I never said everyone has to agree...the question was why bother with rings...and i answered it from my point of view.I never wanted everyone else to agree with me.I am however curious as to why some people are SO opposed to it.

Jewellery is one of the few tangible things that lasts a lifetime and can be passed on from generation to generation.

I have a few pieces from my grandmother who's been dead 10 years now. Pretty much everything else got tossed but the jewellery remained in the family and I hope to be able to pass it on one day.

I would say for the exact same reasons that people are FOR it. It is a personal choice and should not be debated.

If I only had a dollar for every married couple who had an average american wedding who then sat around later whining they couldn't afford the downpayment on a house ...

And anyway...this piece of jewellery is thought to be representative of a very important event in your life...its not just some piece of jewellery...for those of us who like the idea of a wedding band.

Congrats on taking the plunge - assuming you're not put off by all the comment here, that is.
15 years after we tied the knot ( ), Mrs FG (edit: who is German) is still waiting for her engagement ring!
In fact, I can't actually remember formally proposing - we kind of made a joint announcement at the in-laws and produced a bottle of
champers. The wedding ring stuff was a big deal, though - we visited at least half a dozen jewellers until we found the 'right' one(s).
So I wouldn't worry about it too much - perhaps just ask her if she'd like an engagement ring?

@eurobabs
Then i guess you will be bowing out of the debate as to why we DO wear rings.

I am one of those women who loves "shiny" things. Am collecting them at an alarming rate, but I wear them also, they don´t gather dust in a jewellery box.

Depends on the woman of course and its all horses for courses. Perhaps I am a product of getting engaged and married young in the 90s. And maturity would bring more sense...

Though I know that a woman who has her heart set on a ring is unlikely to get over that and be satisified with an alternate gift! So to the OP, find out what your woman wants and don´t judge her if she wants a ring .

Just struck me ... why is it always "German Girl" and not "Woman" with the British? Diminutive war-bride holdover from the Rheinarmee?

Just kidding ... I think.

I'm not against rings per se, I just don't understand the need to compete with others by showing of the size/shape/carats of a shiny piece of metal with some polished piece of hardened carbon on top.

I'm also, in general, trying to understand the human compulsion for attributing value to shiny things.

same here, which is why I've never considered jewellery a waste of money.

Yes, it is rediculous how much people spend on weddings in the states. Luckily we don't all think like that

I suppose it's similar to the reason that people compete in any sense. Cars, sports, gadgets, do any of these things really have any real value?

I was just kidding about the big fuck off ring part, bigger is not always better, especially when it comes to jewellery.

@JerseyBoy...
I posted a pic of our wedding bands...did mine look like a huge big diamond about to fall off the band??? We bought small decent looking bands as a symbol of our marriage and not as a symbol of our financial position in life...lets not throw eveyone into one pot here.

I know what you mean, some of the weddings I've been to cost an absolute ridiculous amount. My mum told me that her wedding didn't cost her a penny, as in Germany it's custom to give at least as much money (as a gift) to cover your own costs...so she pretty much broke even. For me personally I don't want anything fancy...just my family and friends around a really fun day/night. I think it has become quite a status thing and bride & grooms end up so stressed about it that it's not half as enjoyable. But each to their own...it is those individuals big day after all, so if they want to spend a fortune on it - so they should.

I know one German couple that got the names of their partner tattooed around their ring finger and then a year later they had split up. Idiots

could have been a useful post if the thread hadn't been started by an American

I saw that ... but still wondered nonetheless.

My engagement ring is actually very subdued with a ruby. It is definitely not a show off ring nor to compete. A Symbol, perhaps a band of ownership, I don´t know. But I was happy to get it and somehow 13 years later through many ups and downs I am still wearing it. Its a shock to me that I haven´t lost it in any case as I am fairly prone to dropping things down drains etc.

I think you can compare it to any possession- why even wear clothes? shoes? have a car, a house?