Daft utterances

Here is by far the stupidest thing I have heard heard..

My mates comes to stay with me from the UK for a few days.. his girlfriend phones up on Saturday afternoon while watching the Man Utd match and at half time and she asks her boyfriend (my mate) what the final score is!
He replies "How the hell am I supposed to know?"
She says "I thought you were an hour ahead!"

Yes she is blonde too.

Oh how we laughed

Anyone else reckon they can top that.. be my guest! Although other examples are welcome

Well, they did a study in the US a while back, and found that a full 50% of Americans have below average intelligence. Do you believe that shit? I wonder if other countries are any better...

go figure

They also did a study that showed 95% of Americans didn't get the above joke.

73% of statistics are made up.

Classic, pure and simple.


Only one thing wrong with your lame attempt, where is the middle?

This reminds me of the comment made by a Kiwi PM concerning increasing numbers of Kiwi's emigrating to Australia: "it raises the average IQ of both countries".

That's a nice quote JayGee, I'll have to remember that one.

Wiki tells me that the quote comes from Robert Muldoon...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Relationship_...d_and_Australia
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robert_Muldoon

Good info, thanks

Definitely not a comeover then. Aye

I didn't say anything about the "middle," thought "average" was a well enough defined statistical term. Bucket06 got it though, top 5% of the class.

Speaking of, Malcolm in the Middle (the first 30 seconds of every show before the opening credits) always has something funny that would fit this thread. Multiply by 7 seasons x 20 eps.

Just the other day I was thinking of the one where the two younger boys are making Reese (the bully/idiot) cram his face full of slushee, fudgesicles, and ice cream. After a while he says "no, still no headache, i feel totally normal."

to spell it out or not spell it out, that is the question...

Yeah, chicks. I was at a mates house in NZ a number of years back and we were watching the news when a report about a plane crash in Holland somewhere came on. My mates mum has family in Holland and got all worried and rang them to make sure they were ok, had any news etc, when they answered that they hadn't heard of any plane crash she said the same thing. "Oh, maybe it hasn't happened there yet...it just came on the news here and we're 12 hours ahead"

She is a school teacher.


It's a chick thing, their brains aren't very well developed in the logic, reason and thinking before speaking areas.

Gold.

Well you didn't. Bottom 5% of mankind you are.
Dude, if 50% are below and 50% are above, where the fuck is the middle? The average is where 50% of the population is in the middle. 25% is above and 25% is below. You could even do 33/34/33 or even 33.3/33.4/33.3 and so on if you wanted to be anal. If 50% is below, then you can't have a legit average. Clowns to the left of me, clowns to the right and here I am stuck in the middle with you.

Haha, real life blonde jokes are great!

...

i give up.

math is eveeel. just believe the joke.

Maths is only 2° away from homosexuality, which as we all know, is the persuasion of the devil

Over the head again. Dude, every country has a percent below and above the average. The problem with your joke is that 50% below leaves no room for the average. You screwed your own joke up.

And you just proved you're only 2° off being a mincer

c'mon did you really think you were going to fool anyone?

Thats better odds than 50% of Brits being mincers!

And I hear that the other 50% are mingers.

Absolute crap. Official figures for the past 25 years prove conclusively that only 62.3% of statistics are ever made up by the British, while Americans make up 87.1% and German's only 5.8%. Strangely, the Belgians scored 97.6%.

You are aware of course eurovol that Timmeh is not a Brit aren't you . . . . ?

He's only 58.4% not Brit. The remaining 41.6% is part Maori and part sheep, by all accounts.

@ Eurovol - Let me out-mince you:

See the following [7,9,13,18] average 11,75 and 50% of values in the group are below as well as 50% of values are above.

Gosh eurovol, "dude," that's what i love so much about TT. people are so excited about how goddamned much they know that they will do just about anything to show they're not the lesser life form.

Good show... i think i see your point now. You know more than just about everyone on this board. I don't agree... but go for it...

/sarcasm

p.s. go learn some real math.

I have been reliably informed that this 'real life' incident was plagiarised from Sky TV's 'Soccer AM'. Sorry.

Ah, shame.
Well, should I ever come across any very blonde moments of mine, I shall inform you and then we will have some actual real-life blonde jokes.

Had to check, don't forget to shave the mustache.

Thanks for reminding me; it's been a while.

nah story was legit, otherwise I would have posted it on the jokes thread.. His girlfriend is really dumb, when we first met her, we clicked that she was also very gulable. Told her we were blood brothers because we had the same cousin.. should have seen her face.

It really happened. But a line like that doesn't stay secret. Ahh how I miss Soccer AM.

I'll never forget a ditzy friend of mine putting on sunscreen at night, and when we asked her (with utter bewilderment) what on earth she was doing - she replied "You can get burnt when its cloudy, duh!".

Priceless, and for the record - shes a natural brunette.

I was at a BBQ at a friend's house back in Manchester and, as usual, it was overcast and a bit dreary.

My friend's wife came out with a classic . . . " You know, if it wasn't for all those clouds, it would be a lovely sunny day today. "

To this day she still doesn't see what is wrong with that statement.

I was climbing the Alter Peter church tower and an American couple was descending at the same time. The woman called to her husband, "There are 214 (?) steps going up!" I asked, "How many are there going down?" She replied, "I don't know, I'm not there yet!"
Yep, blond.

A mate of mine was drinking with some friends whilst the football was on the TV, it was some random American soccer game. At the bottom of the screen it said 'Sudden Death'. The girlfriend of one of the guys saw that and piped up "Oh, who's died?".

A long time ago, when hand held calculators first came out and it was novel to have one, a girl friend of mine bought her first one and I asked her does it have a memory to which, after thinking for some moments, she replied “Well it doesn’t forget�.

Don't get me started ...
At dear defunct O'Reilly's about 30 of us were crowded in the cozy corner watching the Glasgow soccer (or football if you prefer) derby on Easter Sunday 1998. A young mother stopped on her way back from the ladies' room and asked, "Who's playing?" - "Celtic/Rangers", answered Mental Micky. - "Oh ... Against who?"
Nope, brunette.

A friend of mine was watching Discovery with his wife. When he commented how strange it was that penguins slide around on their bellies because they can't fly, his wife replied, "They can fly. They just choose not to." She was totally serious.

Many many years ago, when I was working in a hair salon, somebody dumped a cat there in a bag, I then took it home and called the RSPCA but also asked around in the salon if anybody else there could take it. A few days later, my colleague then turned to another colleague and said "David, you could have taken the cat in!" followed by "Oh no, shit, I forgot - you're vegetarian". We laughed and laughed and it took her about 10 minutes to realise what she'd said! She said countless things like that - a dipsy girl, but excellent value.

A girlfriend I had once didn’t know what a blowjob was so I explained briefly but unfortunately not detailed enough. Anyway I thought she understood what to do and she tried to please me but she literally blew really really hard instead – believe me I couldn’t begin to describe how extremely painful it was.

Years ago, while I was still at school, My mother sat at the kitchen table, let out a long sigh and asked..

"now,... is tomorrow another day?..."

(After much silence for a long time and huge consideration of which mental hospital to contact first, we discovered she meant another "school" day)

When I was in primary school one of the girls in the class pissed her knickers and in an attempt to disguise the fact she walked around the classroom sliding her feet along the floor spreading the piss around the class hoping no one would notice. In no time there was piss everywhere and the classroom absolutely reeked of piss.

I remember once, when I was at university, an acquaintance of mine noticed that I was driving with "cruise control" set. She then asked, "So, how does the cruise control know when to turn?"

When we were 15 or 16, a group of us used to go round to one mates house and watch videos most evenings, as there were 12 kids in the family and the parents couldn't give a shit what they watched/did/didn't. The mate had one brother, who was beyond a shadow of a doubt, the most clueless person I've ever met. One day we watched Platoon and when the film finished, he piped up and said:

"I don't get it- sure yer man Platoon wasn't in it at all."

At my wedding feast my (then future ex) husband, who was wearing a Trachtenanzug, sat down at the table and then asked, "Is it ok to open your pants with this kind of suit?" Stunned silence. I asked, "Do you mean jacket?"
Nope, brunette.
(picture of a Trachtenanzug)

Dad and mum in Normandy on a coach trip.
Dad: hey we're going to see the Bayeux tapestry.
Mum (waking up from a snooze): What. What did you say?
Dad: Bayeux Tapestry - thats were we're going.
Mum: What for?
Dad: Well thats where you go in Normandy isn' it.
Mum: Well I dont want to buy a bloody tapestry...

Years and years ago I was watching "Thelma and Louise" in the local cinema, as the final scene finished and the credits began to roll the silence of the audience was broken by a GI calling out "that's a stoopid fuckin' endin', nobody could survive that jump".

Before any of us could respond one of his friends shouted even louder "shut the fuck up man, you're proving everything they say about us"

Another holiday one from Dad and mum:

Dad: Shall we fly somewhere on holiday this year?
Mum: No I dont want to fly, not with all those arab terrorists about. They might kidnap the plane and take us to Isreal..

Ok, mum again:

You should see what me and your dad have bought ouselves. One of those low fat grill things from George Formby...